The Man’s Guide to Empathy With Your Wife (5 Minute Read)
Daniel Crosby • March 19, 2023

I meet a lot of wives that complain that their husbands are empathy challenged.


I’ve joked that God 1st made Adam and then 2nd he made Eve. She was version 2.0. She had extra features and some more complex circuitry.


All joking aside, while empathy is harder for some, it can be learned.


Men, I want you to try this. It’s not one size fits all, but these are ideas that have worked for others. It takes practice, but it will be worth it. If your wife has ever said, “I want you to pursue me (nonsexually),” this is one way to show her that you’re trying to do that.


Ladies, if you read this, laugh, and say “That crazy counselor is clueless!,” that’s great! Read this with your guy and then help him understand a better way he can show you empathy. He really does want to understand and do it better, but he needs a roadmap.


Here’s your crash course guys!


Dr. Theresa Wiseman* gave us one roadmap in her 4 attributes of empathy:


1. See the World as Others See it*


This is all about perspective. We must first recognize our emotions, worldviews, and biases and then get past those so we can see our wives’ perspectives. 


Ask yourself:


“How would I feel if I was in her shoes?” 

“What does she value?” 

“What are her fears?” 

“How does she measure success?” 


Hint: The answer to these may be very different from your answers to these questions and that’s OK!


2. Understand Another’s Current Feelings*


This is all about recognizing the emotion your wife is feeling and labeling it correctly. A lot of men sigh and admit that they aren’t good at this. That’s ok, sometimes it can be just as meaningful to your wife if you just ask her how she feels. 


Here’s a sample conversation: 


Husband: “How are you?”

Wife: “I had to get the kids off to school, then go to work, then my coworker came in and wouldn’t stop talking, then my mom called…” 

Husband: (Recognizing that she just listed a bunch of things in an exasperated tone). “Wow, that’s a lot. So how are you FEELING after all that?”

Wife: “I don’t even know. Exhausted, Overwhelmed, Hopeless, Frustrated, Annoyed, Scattered!”

Husband: “Well I’m glad you’re home. I’m sorry it’s been such a difficult day. What if I deal with most of the home stuff tonight so we can get it squared away and maybe we can relax earlier than normal?”


The husband, not knowing how his wife feels, simply asked. Then, once he knew the feeling, he could react to it and help alleviate some of her burden.


3. Non-judgmental*


Guys, this is where we shoot ourselves in the foot. When we jump to “fix it” mode, sometimes we unintentionally communicate that we know how to deal with life’s frustrations better than our wives do. This leaves them feeling like we’re judging them. If you’re coming across as an expert and giving advice without being asked, then you risk coming across as judgmental. Rather than being the expert fixer try becoming an expert detective. Expert detectives ask great questions and search for factual evidence.


Good questions to ask and then LISTEN for her response:


“What is the hardest part about this for you?”

“What do you wish was different about this situation?”

“What do you think the best next step would be to make it better?”


Hint: A great follow up question after your wife answers these questions is, “What else?” Rarely do people give a full response on their first response. Asking, “What else?” tells your wife that you’re listening, engaged, and not just looking for a quick resolution so you can escape the conversation. You are wanting to go deeper into it with her.


4. Communicate the Other’s Feelings*


The opposite of being judgmental is validation. The question I get here is, “But Daniel, what if I don’t agree with what my wife is feeling given the situation?” Good news! You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings to validate them. For instance, I don’t agree when someone has decided to cheat on their spouse, but after hearing their story, I can validate the loneliness, sadness, depression, and hurt that they must have felt to get to the point of making that decision.


Situation – A wife is venting to her husband that she’s stressed because she said “yes” to 3 friends’ events all in the same day.

Wife: “Today sucks. I feel like I’m failing everyone, and I’m being pulled in so many directions.”

Husband: “I’m sorry it’s been rough today. I know it’s important to you to let everyone know that they matter. I love how you care about all your friends and want to make them feel special. It has to feel exhausting to be doing this much and still feel like you aren’t winning.”


What we want is to feel like someone connects with us. Afterall, the thing worse than hurting is hurting alone.


Shoot me an email or message and let me know the best ways you’ve found to show empathy to your significant other.


* Wiseman, Theresa. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing. 23. 1162 - 1167. 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.

"Don't Believe Everything You Think" Book Review

By Daniel Crosby • July 16, 2025
“Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen is interesting. It’s one of those books where you need to grab hold of the concepts that are of benefit and toss the ones that aren’t. There’s some new-agey stuff in it that sounded like fluff to me but I had one big takeaway that I’ll use. Here it is: THOUGHTS are great! THINKING can become problematic. When you have a thought, that is neutral. It’s a fact. It’s what we do with that thought that then becomes helpful or harmful. When I take that factual thought and I begin over THINKING, JUDGING myself, SPIRALING into worst case scenarios, then the thought ceases to be productive. I’m confessing to you here. I’m raising my right hand. “Hi, my name is Daniel and I am an overthinker.” And then the crowd at the meeting replied I unison, “Hi Daniel.” Accept the thought but keep an eye on it because if the thought begins to get squirely and become self-critical or catastrophize then we need to snap ourselves back to reality. He gives you a little practical help with this but it’s only a 2 hour audiobook so it’s limited. Hey, that’s why you should come see me for counseling though. As an overthinker, we can work together to find ways to help your overthinking. It’s worth a read though. “Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen.

"Born Again This Way" Book Review

By Daniel Crosby • July 2, 2025
“Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson is a beautiful and deeply personal book about her struggle between her identity in the LGBT community and how that came into conflict when she became a person of faith. Talk about two very polarizing ideas in our world today! I would say it’s ½ memoir and ½ theology in its makeup. Gilson doesn’t hold back from getting into the nitty gritty of her own story as well as the Christian scriptures. The book is pointed but respectful. I can’t see any well-meaning person coming away from it offended. Sure, there are those who will read it and disagree with her ideas. It will sadden some and give hope to others. I’ve said before that we need to be reading things that challenge us. Read things to sharpen your beliefs. This means you should read a lot of things that are IN alignment with your beliefs so you can further clarify them. Also, read something that opposes your beliefs though. If we always live in our own echo chamber/ algorithm how will be learn how to interact with people who believe differently than we do. This is a great one for families lovingly trying to understand a child wrestling with LGBT ideas. This is a great one if you have friends in the LGBT community and wonder if or how to approach matters of faith. This is a good one for those in the LGBT community who want to read something from a Christian who bridges that divide that often exists. It’s a good one! “Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson.

"The Elephant in the Room" Book Review

By Daniel Crosby • June 25, 2025
“The Elephant in the Room: One Fat Man’s Quest to get Smaller in a Growing America” by Tommy Tomlinson might be my must read book of the year. It’s a beautiful memoir by Tomlinson, a coastal Georgia native, and a journalist by trade. He tells his story through the lens of his lifelong struggle with his weight. If you live in the south, then food is at the center of everything. We grieve with food, celebrate with food, and medicate with food. Heck, sometimes we’re sitting at the table gorging ourselves for lunch as we’re discussing plans for dinner. The book is hilarious in parts and heart breaking in other parts. It reminded me that everyone has a story behind who they are. We all have junk. He reminded me that some people’s stuff is internal. They look amazing on the outside but they’re crumbling inside. Other people’s stuff is external on display for the whole world to see though. What if rather than prejudging those we meet, we come alongside them and share our stuff. There’s something about knowing someone’s story that levels the playing field. If you struggle with weight, then this book is going to hit home. If you have a friend or family member who struggles with weight, then you need to read this one so you can better connect. If none of the above is true, you need to read this one because it’s an amazing story of a man who has a similar story to the rest of us. You’ll laugh and cry but most of all you’re connect with another person who is on this same journey we’re all on. Go read “The Elephant in the Room” by Tommy Tomlinson.