The Man’s Guide to Empathy With Your Wife (5 Minute Read)
Daniel Crosby • March 19, 2023

I meet a lot of wives that complain that their husbands are empathy challenged.


I’ve joked that God 1st made Adam and then 2nd he made Eve. She was version 2.0. She had extra features and some more complex circuitry.


All joking aside, while empathy is harder for some, it can be learned.


Men, I want you to try this. It’s not one size fits all, but these are ideas that have worked for others. It takes practice, but it will be worth it. If your wife has ever said, “I want you to pursue me (nonsexually),” this is one way to show her that you’re trying to do that.


Ladies, if you read this, laugh, and say “That crazy counselor is clueless!,” that’s great! Read this with your guy and then help him understand a better way he can show you empathy. He really does want to understand and do it better, but he needs a roadmap.


Here’s your crash course guys!


Dr. Theresa Wiseman* gave us one roadmap in her 4 attributes of empathy:


1. See the World as Others See it*


This is all about perspective. We must first recognize our emotions, worldviews, and biases and then get past those so we can see our wives’ perspectives. 


Ask yourself:


“How would I feel if I was in her shoes?” 

“What does she value?” 

“What are her fears?” 

“How does she measure success?” 


Hint: The answer to these may be very different from your answers to these questions and that’s OK!


2. Understand Another’s Current Feelings*


This is all about recognizing the emotion your wife is feeling and labeling it correctly. A lot of men sigh and admit that they aren’t good at this. That’s ok, sometimes it can be just as meaningful to your wife if you just ask her how she feels. 


Here’s a sample conversation: 


Husband: “How are you?”

Wife: “I had to get the kids off to school, then go to work, then my coworker came in and wouldn’t stop talking, then my mom called…” 

Husband: (Recognizing that she just listed a bunch of things in an exasperated tone). “Wow, that’s a lot. So how are you FEELING after all that?”

Wife: “I don’t even know. Exhausted, Overwhelmed, Hopeless, Frustrated, Annoyed, Scattered!”

Husband: “Well I’m glad you’re home. I’m sorry it’s been such a difficult day. What if I deal with most of the home stuff tonight so we can get it squared away and maybe we can relax earlier than normal?”


The husband, not knowing how his wife feels, simply asked. Then, once he knew the feeling, he could react to it and help alleviate some of her burden.


3. Non-judgmental*


Guys, this is where we shoot ourselves in the foot. When we jump to “fix it” mode, sometimes we unintentionally communicate that we know how to deal with life’s frustrations better than our wives do. This leaves them feeling like we’re judging them. If you’re coming across as an expert and giving advice without being asked, then you risk coming across as judgmental. Rather than being the expert fixer try becoming an expert detective. Expert detectives ask great questions and search for factual evidence.


Good questions to ask and then LISTEN for her response:


“What is the hardest part about this for you?”

“What do you wish was different about this situation?”

“What do you think the best next step would be to make it better?”


Hint: A great follow up question after your wife answers these questions is, “What else?” Rarely do people give a full response on their first response. Asking, “What else?” tells your wife that you’re listening, engaged, and not just looking for a quick resolution so you can escape the conversation. You are wanting to go deeper into it with her.


4. Communicate the Other’s Feelings*


The opposite of being judgmental is validation. The question I get here is, “But Daniel, what if I don’t agree with what my wife is feeling given the situation?” Good news! You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings to validate them. For instance, I don’t agree when someone has decided to cheat on their spouse, but after hearing their story, I can validate the loneliness, sadness, depression, and hurt that they must have felt to get to the point of making that decision.


Situation – A wife is venting to her husband that she’s stressed because she said “yes” to 3 friends’ events all in the same day.

Wife: “Today sucks. I feel like I’m failing everyone, and I’m being pulled in so many directions.”

Husband: “I’m sorry it’s been rough today. I know it’s important to you to let everyone know that they matter. I love how you care about all your friends and want to make them feel special. It has to feel exhausting to be doing this much and still feel like you aren’t winning.”


What we want is to feel like someone connects with us. Afterall, the thing worse than hurting is hurting alone.


Shoot me an email or message and let me know the best ways you’ve found to show empathy to your significant other.


* Wiseman, Theresa. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing. 23. 1162 - 1167. 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 5 - Deep Trust

By Daniel Crosby • March 24, 2026
Level 5: Deep Trust Deep trust isn’t blind. It’s not naïve. And it’s not “forgive and forget.” It is earned. At this level, the betrayed partner can say, “I trust your character and integrity not because of constant proof, but because of who you’ve shown yourself to be over time.” This trust isn’t rooted in wishes or fantasy. It is rooted in history, consistency, repair, and lived experience. For the betrayed partner, trust isn’t just something you give. It’s something you choose with wisdom, boundaries, and self-respect. This level doesn’t mean you stop paying attention. It means you stop living in fear. You still speak up when something feels off, still honor your voice, but you no longer carry constant suspicion in your body. It’s not perfection. It is maturity. And it’s not automatic. It is maintained and practiced. For the partner who caused the harm: Live daily with integrity. Faithfulness is who you are, not just what you do when watched. Keep nurturing trust even when things feel good. Don’t coast. For the betrayed partner: Choose trust with wisdom staying open while honoring your boundaries, voice, and self-respect. Speak up early when something feels off instead of stuffing resentment.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 4 - Inner Trust

By Daniel Crosby • March 17, 2026
Level 4: Inner Trust At this level, something important shifts. The betrayed partner begins to feel steadier not just because of their partner’s behavior, but because of their own inner self confidence. You might still say, “I want honesty. I want consistency.” But now you can also say, “I can calm myself. I can reality-check my fears. I don’t spiral the way I used to.” This doesn’t mean triggers disappear. it means they don’t control you anymore. Trust is no longer something you are desperately reaching for. It is something you are slowly standing on. For the partner who caused the harm, this stage calls for continued accountability not because you’re being monitored, but because reliability has become who you are. You don’t wait to be asked. You lead with consistently and freely. For the betrayed partner, this stage invites restraint rather than repression; but use wisdom. Instead of reopening old investigations every time fear arises, you begin asking: “Is this a current threat or an old wound reacting?” Inner trust grows when you learn to distinguish the two. This level represents a powerful turning point: trust becomes something you participate in — not something you beg for or police. For the partner who caused the harm: Keep being accountable without waiting to be asked. Prove reliability over time. Let consistency become your default gift to your partner not your response to a crisis. For the betrayed partner: Practice calming yourself when fears arise and reality-check triggers against the consistency you’ve seen over time. Resist reopening old investigations unless new information or patterns arise.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 3 - Words + Actions Trust

By Daniel Crosby • March 10, 2026
Level 3: Words + Actions Trust At this stage, trust begins to deepen beyond proof. The betrayed partner is no longer just asking, “Are you doing the right thing?” but also, “Do you understand what this did to me?” Words matter but only when they match consistent actions. Apologies without empathy feel hollow. Empathy without follow-through feels unsafe. Healing requires both. This is the level where emotional repair becomes central for the partner who caused the harm. – Can you listen without defending? – Can you take ownership without shifting blame? – Can you respond to pain without shutting down or counterattacking? For the betrayed partner, this stage is a shift from testing to expressing. Instead of checking to see if your partner behaved or met your standard, begin directly saying what hurts, what you need, and what helps. This is vulnerable work. It requires risking disappointment — but also opens the door to real repair. Triggers will still come. Memories will still surface. But instead of storing them as evidence to protect yourself later, this stage invites you to bring the hurt into the light where we can work on it together rather then letting it fester and turn into resentment. Trust at this level grows when: – Hurt is spoken instead of hidden. – Repair is attempted instead of avoided. – Consistency replaces defensiveness. This is where trust begins to feel less mechanical and more relational. For the partner who caused the harm: Speak with empathy, take ownership, and show consistent follow-through. Don’t just explain, try to understand and help your partner heal through action. For the betrayed partner: Express hurt and needs directly rather than testing your partner. Begin allowing repair efforts to matter. State your triggers instead of storing them up as evidence for protection later.