Help Heal My Marriage! - 4. Keep It Positive
Daniel Crosby • September 10, 2024
4. Keep it Positive
If someone said 99 good things to me and 1 critical thing, I would obsess about that critical thing all day.
We are wired to look for the threat, the problem, the negative. It’s part of our survival instinct.
The problem is that the world constantly throws negativity at us too. Bosses, social media, and even our kids are telling us things we are screwing up.
Negativity hurts, especially from the person who should be our biggest cheerleader, our spouse.
That’s why we must try to keep it POSITIVE.
Sometimes we need to correct, but our communications should be far more weighted toward the positive than the negative.
Try a ratio of 5 positives for every 1 negative
3 Ways to Keep it Positive:
1. GratitudeKeep a gratitude journal about your spouse and write down the things you like most about them. If your spouse was a terrible person, you never would have said “I do.” Recall all those things you admire about them.2. Catch Them WinningNotice your spouse doing something that pleases you and point out that they did a good job. We often notice good things but never say them aloud. Make it a habit of speaking it when you see it.3. MannersSay “Please” and “Thank you.” You’d be amazed at how this common courtesy can diffuse a tense household.
It’s Go Time:
Secretly, for one week write down 3 different things each day you saw your spouse doing well. At the end of the week read them all 21 things. Watch them smile!
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know.
What is High Functioning Depression? If you’re the person who gets crap done, shows up for your family, runs your business, and keeps pushing—even when you feel dead inside—this might hit home. You might be struggling with this thing called DEPRESSION. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It doesn’t always look like crying in bed or missing work. In fact, it often looks like achievement. Busyness. Holding it all together. But inside? You’re worn out. Numb. And starting to wonder if something’s wrong with you. Let’s talk about what this high-functioning form of depression IS and what it IS NOT. It’s NOT: • Laziness or weakness • Just being tired from a long week • Something you can fix by "sucking it up and pushing through” It IS: • Feeling emotionally flat or disconnected, even when life looks good • Going through the motions—parenting, working, providing—but not feeling present • Quietly wondering: “Why do I feel this way when I have so much?” You’re not broken—and you’re definitely not alone. High-functioning depression is real. And it’s more common than you think—especially in men who lead, provide, and never let anyone see them sweat. Homework: Take 5 minutes at the end of your day to answer this one question in a journal or your Notes app: “What did I feel today—beneath the work, the schedule, the routine?” You don’t have to keep white-knuckling your way through life. You can feel better. And we’ll talk more about how—right here, each week. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl ought to be a must read for everyone because of its historical significance as well as the brilliance in what it teaches us. Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist during World War 2 and suffered imprisonment in a concentration camp for most of the war. The first half of the book is a detailed account of the horrors he suffered at the hand of the Nazi’s in the camps. What makes it most interesting is his perspective as an expert student in human behavior, not only of his captors, but also of his fellow sufferers. The second half of the book lays out his psychological theory. This is where it gets a little more geeky and heady. Out of his experiences, he developed what he termed “logotherapy,” which sought to help people find meaning in their lives. He believed that the absence of meaning is what leads to most mental health struggles. There are 3 ways in which we must derive meaning in life: 1. Contributing to the world through work, projects, or any form of creation that brings a sense of purpose. 2. Experiencing the world, including appreciating beauty, encountering love, and engaging with others. 3. Choosing a positive, responsible attitude towards unavoidable suffering, such as illness or loss. So go read this one. You’ll get a lot out of the first half about his experiences in the concentration camps even if you’re not a counseling nerd like me that is fascinated by logotherapy. “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.
Depression The top two things people come to counseling for are Anxiety and Depression. Nothing else even comes close. Well I’ve given you all a mountain of anxiety tips and tricks so let’s tackle the other one. Depression… I hate depression! I’m going to go ahead and declare war on it right here from the start. Maybe you’re struggling with it yourself but I know that all of us at least know someone who is. Let’s face it, life sucks sometimes. If life hasn’t kicked your butt and wrestled you into submission yet, just wait; it will at some point. The “whys” behind the anxiety and depression are literally limitless because it’s unique and it’s very personal. But this idea of depression can mean 100 different things to 100 different people So I’m planning 12 weeks of ideas and topics related to depression. Now, this information isn’t therapy. These are going to brief and to the point and they’re starter ideas meant to spark ideas within you. We’re barely scratching the surface here AND most importantly, we’re talking mostly about high-functioning depression here. We’ll define that in another post. If you’re teetering on the edge of suicide, call someone right now. Don’t wait. We kind of like having you around and we’d like to keep you around for awhile. Call or Text 988 today and real live person will connect with you. But if you’re dragging through life and just want to run away and quit, you’re going to get some good stuff out of the next 12 weeks. Finally, the algorithms in internetlandia are all based upon interaction. If you want more people to see this stuff then share it, comment on it, and interact. I’d appreciate it and I’ll see you all next week. Homework: Think of a person in your life right now that could benefit from these upcoming posts. Do you think it might help them if you shared it with them?
