Help Heal My Marriage - 18. Forgiveness
Daniel Crosby • February 24, 2025
18. Forgiveness
If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.
The problem with broken relationships is that what is said can’t be unsaid and what is done can’t be undone. If you cheated on me, how do you pay that back, let me go cheat on you? NO! Maybe you’ve said you’re sorry. Maybe you’ve changed your behaviors. The fact is, I still remember or even feel the hurt you brought into my life.
Sue Johnson calls it the Rupture/Repair Cycle. When there’s a rupture in the relationship and we find a way to repair it, oftentimes the relationship and/or each of us as individuals become stronger than we were before the rupture occurred.
Enter forgiveness.
Forgiveness is my acknowledgement and recognition that there’s nothing you can do to repay that debt. There’s no sense in me continuing to hold it over your head to pay since you can’t pay it. Forgiveness is my cancelling, crossing out, that debt and writing $0 Balance in the ledger.
Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.
3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:
1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.
2. Reestablish Freedom – I’m no longer enslaved by my insatiable drive to make you pay. You’re no longer having to flee being chased to give me something you know you can’t give me. We can both relax knowing the pursuit is over.
3. Practice Compassion – No one has ever told me they have the goal of becoming more bitter. Bitterness toward others often reflects back and creates bitterness toward me. Compassion is contagious. When I can show compassion for you I often begin to show more compassion for myself as well.
It’s Go Time:
Who in your life do you need to forgive? What’s that issues you’ve been holding onto expecting them to pay for? Have you ever had relationships that were able to be reconciled with forgiveness? Have you ever had any where it was important to end them to stay safe?
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
Depression + Professional Help So the big questions is: “How do I know when it’s time to go see a counselor about depression? When is it beyond just trying self-help strategies?” Only you know how you’re feeling internally but here are some signs that it’s time to reach out: • Suicidal thoughts – Call or Text 988 Immediately! • Can’t function with work – You don’t care that there may be consequences for poor performance and you’re slacking on deadlines • Parenting – You’ve given up on typical caretaking duties like healthy meals, cleaning up, or setting healthy boundaries with the kids • Finances – You have a “screw it” mentality where you stop budgeting and just spend to try to find happiness OR You stop paying bills altogether • Hygiene – Your personal hygiene tanks and you don’t care about brushing your teeth, bathing, wearing deodorant, etc. • Isolation – You’ve consistently been avoiding others and turning down attempts of friends and family to pull you out of your slump • Significant change in the way you normally function day to day Call a therapist if you want… • Accountability • An outside perspective • To dig deeper into the “why” • A judgement free zone • New ideas to try Before beginning medication, ask these questions: • “Hey doc! What is your philosophy on prescribing? (Conservative, Experimental, etc?) • “Hey doc! Is there a time limit to how long you will keep me on this medication? • “Hey doc! How will you be measuring how my progress and when to raise/lower dosage and begin or discontinue a medication?” • “Do I feel at peace with how the Dr. explained this medication?” • “Did the Dr. have the heart of a teacher or were they quick to prescribe without hearing me out?” • “Did the Dr. take time with me or rush in and rush out? • “Have I done my own research on the medications the Dr. is recommending?” Homework: If you’re not sure about any of the above, give me a call. I’ll happily do a FREE 15 Minute Consultation Call whether you want to come to see me or not. I’ll give you my professional opinion about what might be the next right step.
Depression + Stagnation What do you do when you’re doing all the right things and still feel depression lingering? Depression isn’t an on/off switch that goes away overnight. It rarely gets better in an instant. There’s a progression to it. If you’re investing in some of the things we’re talking about in this series CONSISTENTLY then you’ll probably see some positive changes over time. In the meantime, try these ideas to help boost you out of your stagnation that you’re feeling. 1. Acknowledge progress over perfection. You didn’t get here overnight. Where did you begin and where are you now? What has improved? 2. Go serve someone else in a new way – Focusing on others is a good way to boost the way you feel about yourself. 3. Consider a shock to the system. A trip to a new place, a different therapist, a new hobby, a job change, or making a new friend can all make us feel alive again if we’re stagnant. Homework: Finish this statement: “In the last week, the thing I’m the most proud of myself for doing is_______.”
Depression + Sleep Struggles Sleep is one of the biggest struggles we face when we’re depressed. Oddly enough the diagnosis manual says “Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day” as one of the symptoms. Whether you can’t sleep at all or you’re sleeping all the time it can really rock your world. Maybe your mind is just spinning with all the jumble of thoughts in your head. Or maybe you have no energy and you’re struggling to just do the basics before going back to bed. Here are 3 ideas to get the sleep routine back on track: 1. Create a predictable wind-down ritual – Early dinner, Herbal tea, Warm bath, Good smelling lotion, Clean sheets and jammies. 2. Try “brain dump” journaling at night – Write down today’s wins and loses as well as tomorrow’s worries so your brain can let go of those things. You can relax better without ruminating on it because it’s written down. 3. Avoid doom scrolling— Replace screens with audio or soft light activity. Soothing. Uplifting reading. Devotional. Positive in/Positive out. If you must watch TV make sure it’s an emotion that competes with depression (funny!) Homework: Try a new bedtime strategy tonight and notice if it helps you wind down a little easier. Your brain and body will thank you tomorrow morning.
