Help Heal My Marriage - 18. Forgiveness
Daniel Crosby • February 24, 2025
18. Forgiveness
If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.
The problem with broken relationships is that what is said can’t be unsaid and what is done can’t be undone. If you cheated on me, how do you pay that back, let me go cheat on you? NO! Maybe you’ve said you’re sorry. Maybe you’ve changed your behaviors. The fact is, I still remember or even feel the hurt you brought into my life.
Sue Johnson calls it the Rupture/Repair Cycle. When there’s a rupture in the relationship and we find a way to repair it, oftentimes the relationship and/or each of us as individuals become stronger than we were before the rupture occurred.
Enter forgiveness.
Forgiveness is my acknowledgement and recognition that there’s nothing you can do to repay that debt. There’s no sense in me continuing to hold it over your head to pay since you can’t pay it. Forgiveness is my cancelling, crossing out, that debt and writing $0 Balance in the ledger.
Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.
3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:
1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.
2. Reestablish Freedom – I’m no longer enslaved by my insatiable drive to make you pay. You’re no longer having to flee being chased to give me something you know you can’t give me. We can both relax knowing the pursuit is over.
3. Practice Compassion – No one has ever told me they have the goal of becoming more bitter. Bitterness toward others often reflects back and creates bitterness toward me. Compassion is contagious. When I can show compassion for you I often begin to show more compassion for myself as well.
It’s Go Time:
Who in your life do you need to forgive? What’s that issues you’ve been holding onto expecting them to pay for? Have you ever had relationships that were able to be reconciled with forgiveness? Have you ever had any where it was important to end them to stay safe?
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
“Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen is interesting. It’s one of those books where you need to grab hold of the concepts that are of benefit and toss the ones that aren’t. There’s some new-agey stuff in it that sounded like fluff to me but I had one big takeaway that I’ll use. Here it is: THOUGHTS are great! THINKING can become problematic. When you have a thought, that is neutral. It’s a fact. It’s what we do with that thought that then becomes helpful or harmful. When I take that factual thought and I begin over THINKING, JUDGING myself, SPIRALING into worst case scenarios, then the thought ceases to be productive. I’m confessing to you here. I’m raising my right hand. “Hi, my name is Daniel and I am an overthinker.” And then the crowd at the meeting replied I unison, “Hi Daniel.” Accept the thought but keep an eye on it because if the thought begins to get squirely and become self-critical or catastrophize then we need to snap ourselves back to reality. He gives you a little practical help with this but it’s only a 2 hour audiobook so it’s limited. Hey, that’s why you should come see me for counseling though. As an overthinker, we can work together to find ways to help your overthinking. It’s worth a read though. “Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen.
“Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson is a beautiful and deeply personal book about her struggle between her identity in the LGBT community and how that came into conflict when she became a person of faith. Talk about two very polarizing ideas in our world today! I would say it’s ½ memoir and ½ theology in its makeup. Gilson doesn’t hold back from getting into the nitty gritty of her own story as well as the Christian scriptures. The book is pointed but respectful. I can’t see any well-meaning person coming away from it offended. Sure, there are those who will read it and disagree with her ideas. It will sadden some and give hope to others. I’ve said before that we need to be reading things that challenge us. Read things to sharpen your beliefs. This means you should read a lot of things that are IN alignment with your beliefs so you can further clarify them. Also, read something that opposes your beliefs though. If we always live in our own echo chamber/ algorithm how will be learn how to interact with people who believe differently than we do. This is a great one for families lovingly trying to understand a child wrestling with LGBT ideas. This is a great one if you have friends in the LGBT community and wonder if or how to approach matters of faith. This is a good one for those in the LGBT community who want to read something from a Christian who bridges that divide that often exists. It’s a good one! “Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson.
“The Elephant in the Room: One Fat Man’s Quest to get Smaller in a Growing America” by Tommy Tomlinson might be my must read book of the year. It’s a beautiful memoir by Tomlinson, a coastal Georgia native, and a journalist by trade. He tells his story through the lens of his lifelong struggle with his weight. If you live in the south, then food is at the center of everything. We grieve with food, celebrate with food, and medicate with food. Heck, sometimes we’re sitting at the table gorging ourselves for lunch as we’re discussing plans for dinner. The book is hilarious in parts and heart breaking in other parts. It reminded me that everyone has a story behind who they are. We all have junk. He reminded me that some people’s stuff is internal. They look amazing on the outside but they’re crumbling inside. Other people’s stuff is external on display for the whole world to see though. What if rather than prejudging those we meet, we come alongside them and share our stuff. There’s something about knowing someone’s story that levels the playing field. If you struggle with weight, then this book is going to hit home. If you have a friend or family member who struggles with weight, then you need to read this one so you can better connect. If none of the above is true, you need to read this one because it’s an amazing story of a man who has a similar story to the rest of us. You’ll laugh and cry but most of all you’re connect with another person who is on this same journey we’re all on. Go read “The Elephant in the Room” by Tommy Tomlinson.
