Discomfort – It’s Role in Anxiety (90 Second Read)
Daniel Crosby • October 23, 2023
Confession: I love being comfortable!
Most of the things we do in life are done to bring us COMFORT.
- We choose our friends because we feel at ease around them. "They’re my kind of people.”
- We picked out our car because it satisfied something within us. It was the great safety rating, the sleek lines that make us feel cool, or the fantastic price point.
Most of the things we avoid doing threaten to bring us DISCOMFORT.
- We don’t go to certain parts of town where we feel unsafe.
- We avoid conversations with people who may not agree with us.
What if we’ve become COMFORT ADDICTS though?
What if we’ve built up such an aversion to DISCOMFORT that it’s weakened us and strengthened our ANXIETY?
Could some of our ANXIETY stem from the fact that we’ve become so emotionally affluent that our anxiety alarm system has become too sensitive?
Could we have it so good in our lives that we’ve forgotten how to work through something hard, how to struggle, and how to overcome adversity?
- If we begin having convulsions when the internet goes down for an hour and we can’t stream Netflix, we’ve failed to keep anxiety in its proper perspective.
- If we’re losing sleep because we’re worried about that other evil political party saying things that offend us, we’ve failed to keep anxiety in its proper perspective.
Here’s the TRUTH:
You can do hard things because you have done hard things before and YOU SURVIVED!
HOMEWORK:
Think of something you’ve been avoiding because it’s hard and it makes you anxious to think about doing it. Now go do that thing and get it over with. Now laugh at yourself for having put it off for this long.
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know.
Level 5: Deep Trust Deep trust isn’t blind. It’s not naïve. And it’s not “forgive and forget.” It is earned. At this level, the betrayed partner can say, “I trust your character and integrity not because of constant proof, but because of who you’ve shown yourself to be over time.” This trust isn’t rooted in wishes or fantasy. It is rooted in history, consistency, repair, and lived experience. For the betrayed partner, trust isn’t just something you give. It’s something you choose with wisdom, boundaries, and self-respect. This level doesn’t mean you stop paying attention. It means you stop living in fear. You still speak up when something feels off, still honor your voice, but you no longer carry constant suspicion in your body. It’s not perfection. It is maturity. And it’s not automatic. It is maintained and practiced. For the partner who caused the harm: Live daily with integrity. Faithfulness is who you are, not just what you do when watched. Keep nurturing trust even when things feel good. Don’t coast. For the betrayed partner: Choose trust with wisdom staying open while honoring your boundaries, voice, and self-respect. Speak up early when something feels off instead of stuffing resentment.
Level 4: Inner Trust At this level, something important shifts. The betrayed partner begins to feel steadier not just because of their partner’s behavior, but because of their own inner self confidence. You might still say, “I want honesty. I want consistency.” But now you can also say, “I can calm myself. I can reality-check my fears. I don’t spiral the way I used to.” This doesn’t mean triggers disappear. it means they don’t control you anymore. Trust is no longer something you are desperately reaching for. It is something you are slowly standing on. For the partner who caused the harm, this stage calls for continued accountability not because you’re being monitored, but because reliability has become who you are. You don’t wait to be asked. You lead with consistently and freely. For the betrayed partner, this stage invites restraint rather than repression; but use wisdom. Instead of reopening old investigations every time fear arises, you begin asking: “Is this a current threat or an old wound reacting?” Inner trust grows when you learn to distinguish the two. This level represents a powerful turning point: trust becomes something you participate in — not something you beg for or police. For the partner who caused the harm: Keep being accountable without waiting to be asked. Prove reliability over time. Let consistency become your default gift to your partner not your response to a crisis. For the betrayed partner: Practice calming yourself when fears arise and reality-check triggers against the consistency you’ve seen over time. Resist reopening old investigations unless new information or patterns arise.
Level 3: Words + Actions Trust At this stage, trust begins to deepen beyond proof. The betrayed partner is no longer just asking, “Are you doing the right thing?” but also, “Do you understand what this did to me?” Words matter but only when they match consistent actions. Apologies without empathy feel hollow. Empathy without follow-through feels unsafe. Healing requires both. This is the level where emotional repair becomes central for the partner who caused the harm. – Can you listen without defending? – Can you take ownership without shifting blame? – Can you respond to pain without shutting down or counterattacking? For the betrayed partner, this stage is a shift from testing to expressing. Instead of checking to see if your partner behaved or met your standard, begin directly saying what hurts, what you need, and what helps. This is vulnerable work. It requires risking disappointment — but also opens the door to real repair. Triggers will still come. Memories will still surface. But instead of storing them as evidence to protect yourself later, this stage invites you to bring the hurt into the light where we can work on it together rather then letting it fester and turn into resentment. Trust at this level grows when: – Hurt is spoken instead of hidden. – Repair is attempted instead of avoided. – Consistency replaces defensiveness. This is where trust begins to feel less mechanical and more relational. For the partner who caused the harm: Speak with empathy, take ownership, and show consistent follow-through. Don’t just explain, try to understand and help your partner heal through action. For the betrayed partner: Express hurt and needs directly rather than testing your partner. Begin allowing repair efforts to matter. State your triggers instead of storing them up as evidence for protection later.
