Depression and Self Talk
Daniel Crosby • September 15, 2025
Depression + Self-Talk
Can you hear that little voice in your head? It’s the one when you’re at the grocery store and you were supposed to get 3 things and you can’t remember the 3rd thing.
“Dang it, what was that last thing that I needed to get? It wasn’t milk because we have milk. Was it something in the produce section? Ugh, I can’t remember.”
Psychologist Ethan Kross write a book about this called “Chatter.”
Chatter is when normal factual self-talk changes to darker more accusatory and judgmental words.
“You screw everything up. Can’t you ever do anything right?”
“No one else struggles with this and here you are frozen and stuck in it doing the same stupid thing over and over again. You’re so pathetic.”
Chatter is only going to fuel your depression.
Here are 3 ways to quiet the chatter in your head:
1. Separate FACT from ASSUMPTION –
• It can only officially be a FACT if someone else has literally said it to you. I heard a quote recently that said, “Imposter syndrome is the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.” They aren’t.
2. Identify Negative Beliefs and where they came from –
• Negative Beliefs sound like “I” Statements. “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unworthy of love.” You might want to find a good counselor to help you work through these.
3. Journaling –
• Write down a response to your own chatter as if you were responding to a friend who came to you asking your opinion about their inner voice. We’re usually kinder to others than we are to ourselves unfortunately.
Homework:
Take 60 seconds and think about which Negative Belief seems to pop up in your head most often to keep depression alive and well? We all have at least one. What’s yours?
Level 1b: Self-Trust After betrayal, many people don’t just lose trust in their partner, they lose trust in THEMSELVES. “Did I miss the signs?” “Was I naive?” “Can I ever trust my own judgment again?” Rebuilding self-trust is not about becoming fearful or suspicious of everyone. It’s about reconnecting with your perceptions, instincts, and internal signals and learning to respect them again. Maybe you sensed something was off but talked yourself out of it to preserve the relationship or the family. That doesn’t mean you’re bad it means you were trying to do the right thing and ended up getting bit. This level runs through EVERY stage of trust rebuilding. Even as your partner becomes more consistent, your work is to begin to listen to your inner self again. When self-trust grows, you’re no longer relying entirely on your partner’s behavior to feel safe. You begin to carry safety inside yourself again. For the partner who caused the harm: Be patient. Support your partner in regaining confidence in their own feelings and reality. Avoid defensiveness, minimizing, or anything that resembles gaslighting. For the betrayed partner: Practice trusting your instincts and emotional responses. Recall times when you listened to your gut well. Reestablish what you will and will not accept in a relationship and honor those boundaries consistently.
Level 1: Fractured Trust After a betrayal trust shattered. People in this level say, “Everything feels broken. I don’t know if I can ever trust again.” That makes sense, because betrayal doesn’t just hurt your heart; it disrupts your sense of reality and safety. But you’re still here; still considering what repair might look like. The fact that you haven’t walked away entirely says there’s a part of you that hopes healing might be possible. Level 1 is not about forgiveness or resolution. It’s not about moving on. It’s about honesty, stabilization, and finding safety again. This is also a time to avoid impulsive emotional decisions. You don’t have to decide the future today. You just have to survive today and take good care of yourself. You don’t have to know yet whether trust can be rebuilt. Right now, the only question is: Can we create enough safety for healing to begin? And that… is a powerful place to start. For the partner who caused the harm: Acknowledge the pain without defending, minimizing, or explaining it away. DO NOT SAY: “I didn’t mean to,” or “It wasn’t that bad,” or “You’re overreacting.” SAY THIS: “I see the damage. I take responsibility. I’m willing to repair.” Your tone, attitude, and consistency matter more than your words right now. For the betrayed partner: Your work is not to “get over it,” but to let the pain be real without letting it control your life. Try not to distract or numb yourself to the point that you can’t feel anything. This is where trusted friends, a good therapist, or a pastor can come alongside you to help.
Before we jump into the Levels of Trust, it's important that we have a good working definition of how to rebuild trust. "AUTHENTIC CONSISTENCY WITH TRANSPARENCY OVER TIME" Authentic - This cannot be manipulative, spiteful, fake, or contrived. It is humble, cheerful, and freely given. Consistency - Tell me what you're going to do and then do it. Transparency - Whatever you do, do it wide open. No hidden actions, agendas, or ulterior motives. Time - Do it over and over again for as long as it takes. Focus on this definition as we jump into the Levels next time!
