Help Heal My Marriage - 7. Reestablish Safety
Daniel Crosby • October 1, 2024
7. Reestablish Safety
One of the most pivotal steps to healing a struggling marriage is reestablishing safety. When I say “safety” I typically mean emotional safety. If you’re hitting and throwing things at one another then we have bigger problems to address.
Emotional safety lets us both let down our guards and become our real selves again. Without emotional safety, we can’t have healing conversations because we’re still having survival conversations.
The challenge is you may be the one who should act first. If you become safe for your spouse they may slowly begin to let down their guard as well.
Here are 3 ways to show your spouse that you are safe:
1. Validation
Find a point in your spouse’s argument that you can agree with and tell them that. Let them know that you see their point on that part of the argument.
2. Transparency
Be open and honest. Go first in showing them the evidence they’re asking for. Go above and beyond to let them see all your cards in the argument.
3. Consistency
Keeping a small promise creates emotional safety because your spouse will begin to be able to count on you again. Small things grow into bigger things, good and bad.
It’s Go Time:
In your latest “spirited discussion” what is a point that you partner was trying to make that you can go to them and tell them you agree on? It’s a start!
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

Depression The top two things people come to counseling for are Anxiety and Depression. Nothing else even comes close. Well I’ve given you all a mountain of anxiety tips and tricks so let’s tackle the other one. Depression… I hate depression! I’m going to go ahead and declare war on it right here from the start. Maybe you’re struggling with it yourself but I know that all of us at least know someone who is. Let’s face it, life sucks sometimes. If life hasn’t kicked your butt and wrestled you into submission yet, just wait; it will at some point. The “whys” behind the anxiety and depression are literally limitless because it’s unique and it’s very personal. But this idea of depression can mean 100 different things to 100 different people So I’m planning 12 weeks of ideas and topics related to depression. Now, this information isn’t therapy. These are going to brief and to the point and they’re starter ideas meant to spark ideas within you. We’re barely scratching the surface here AND most importantly, we’re talking mostly about high-functioning depression here. We’ll define that in another post. If you’re teetering on the edge of suicide, call someone right now. Don’t wait. We kind of like having you around and we’d like to keep you around for awhile. Call or Text 988 today and real live person will connect with you. But if you’re dragging through life and just want to run away and quit, you’re going to get some good stuff out of the next 12 weeks. Finally, the algorithms in internetlandia are all based upon interaction. If you want more people to see this stuff then share it, comment on it, and interact. I’d appreciate it and I’ll see you all next week. Homework: Think of a person in your life right now that could benefit from these upcoming posts. Do you think it might help them if you shared it with them?

“Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen is interesting. It’s one of those books where you need to grab hold of the concepts that are of benefit and toss the ones that aren’t. There’s some new-agey stuff in it that sounded like fluff to me but I had one big takeaway that I’ll use. Here it is: THOUGHTS are great! THINKING can become problematic. When you have a thought, that is neutral. It’s a fact. It’s what we do with that thought that then becomes helpful or harmful. When I take that factual thought and I begin over THINKING, JUDGING myself, SPIRALING into worst case scenarios, then the thought ceases to be productive. I’m confessing to you here. I’m raising my right hand. “Hi, my name is Daniel and I am an overthinker.” And then the crowd at the meeting replied I unison, “Hi Daniel.” Accept the thought but keep an eye on it because if the thought begins to get squirely and become self-critical or catastrophize then we need to snap ourselves back to reality. He gives you a little practical help with this but it’s only a 2 hour audiobook so it’s limited. Hey, that’s why you should come see me for counseling though. As an overthinker, we can work together to find ways to help your overthinking. It’s worth a read though. “Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen.

“Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson is a beautiful and deeply personal book about her struggle between her identity in the LGBT community and how that came into conflict when she became a person of faith. Talk about two very polarizing ideas in our world today! I would say it’s ½ memoir and ½ theology in its makeup. Gilson doesn’t hold back from getting into the nitty gritty of her own story as well as the Christian scriptures. The book is pointed but respectful. I can’t see any well-meaning person coming away from it offended. Sure, there are those who will read it and disagree with her ideas. It will sadden some and give hope to others. I’ve said before that we need to be reading things that challenge us. Read things to sharpen your beliefs. This means you should read a lot of things that are IN alignment with your beliefs so you can further clarify them. Also, read something that opposes your beliefs though. If we always live in our own echo chamber/ algorithm how will be learn how to interact with people who believe differently than we do. This is a great one for families lovingly trying to understand a child wrestling with LGBT ideas. This is a great one if you have friends in the LGBT community and wonder if or how to approach matters of faith. This is a good one for those in the LGBT community who want to read something from a Christian who bridges that divide that often exists. It’s a good one! “Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson.