60 Second Marriage Recap - Forgiveness
Daniel Crosby • February 28, 2025
18. Forgiveness
If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.
The problem with broken relationships is that what is said can’t be unsaid and what is done can’t be undone. If you cheated on me, how do you pay that back, let me go cheat on you? NO! Maybe you’ve said you’re sorry. Maybe you’ve changed your behaviors. The fact is, I still remember or even feel the hurt you brought into my life.
Sue Johnson calls it the Rupture/Repair Cycle. When there’s a rupture in the relationship and we find a way to repair it, oftentimes the relationship and/or each of us as individuals become stronger than we were before the rupture occurred.
Enter forgiveness.
Forgiveness is my acknowledgement and recognition that there’s nothing you can do to repay that debt. There’s no sense in me continuing to hold it over your head to pay since you can’t pay it. Forgiveness is my cancelling, crossing out, that debt and writing $0 Balance in the ledger.
Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.
3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:
1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.
2. Reestablish Freedom – I’m no longer enslaved by my insatiable drive to make you pay. You’re no longer having to flee being chased to give me something you know you can’t give me. We can both relax knowing the pursuit is over.
3. Practice Compassion – No one has ever told me they have the goal of becoming more bitter. Bitterness toward others often reflects back and creates bitterness toward me. Compassion is contagious. When I can show compassion for you I often begin to show more compassion for myself as well.
It’s Go Time:
Who in your life do you need to forgive? What’s that issues you’ve been holding onto expecting them to pay for? Have you ever had relationships that were able to be reconciled with forgiveness? Have you ever had any where it was important to end them to stay safe?
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
Look for beautiful things when you're restless, uncomfortable, or on edge. There's something about acknowledging the good around us that helps us reset and realize that it's not all bad. If you're struggling to see beautiful things in the world, come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
“The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd is a book that will blow your mind. When I picked it up, it’s a very small thin book. Less than 100 pages. I assumed I’d breeze through it in a couple of hours. About a month later I finished digesting it. The truth is we cannot fully live the life God has called us to unless we acknowledge that we do have needs, that these needs are good, and discover the healthy ways of meeting these needs. Chip takes common human needs like Security and Accomplishment and he unpacks what they really are pointing us to in his typical concise but brilliant depth. There’s no fluff here. With chapters just 3-4 pages each, you’re going to want to have a highlighter ready to underline, to ponder these topics, and maybe then to discuss them with someone you know and trust. You’ll come away from this book with a deeper sense what is already fulfilled within you and ones that might be lacking where you need to go do a deep dive with a lot of prayer and introspection. If you liked Chip’s book “The Voice of the Heart,” this is one is your next read. Go grab “The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd.
Two ways a counselor might help you get uncomfortable and grow: 1. Systematic Desensitization is progressively working your way up to do harder things until you reach your goal and the hard things don't feel as hard anymore. 2. Flooding is when you conquer the struggle by going all in and confronting it head on. It's like teaching someone to swim by throwing them in the deep end of the pool. Could these things help you overcome some complacency? Come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
