60 Second Marriage Recap - Forgiveness
Daniel Crosby • February 28, 2025
18. Forgiveness
If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.
The problem with broken relationships is that what is said can’t be unsaid and what is done can’t be undone. If you cheated on me, how do you pay that back, let me go cheat on you? NO! Maybe you’ve said you’re sorry. Maybe you’ve changed your behaviors. The fact is, I still remember or even feel the hurt you brought into my life.
Sue Johnson calls it the Rupture/Repair Cycle. When there’s a rupture in the relationship and we find a way to repair it, oftentimes the relationship and/or each of us as individuals become stronger than we were before the rupture occurred.
Enter forgiveness.
Forgiveness is my acknowledgement and recognition that there’s nothing you can do to repay that debt. There’s no sense in me continuing to hold it over your head to pay since you can’t pay it. Forgiveness is my cancelling, crossing out, that debt and writing $0 Balance in the ledger.
Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.
3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:
1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.
2. Reestablish Freedom – I’m no longer enslaved by my insatiable drive to make you pay. You’re no longer having to flee being chased to give me something you know you can’t give me. We can both relax knowing the pursuit is over.
3. Practice Compassion – No one has ever told me they have the goal of becoming more bitter. Bitterness toward others often reflects back and creates bitterness toward me. Compassion is contagious. When I can show compassion for you I often begin to show more compassion for myself as well.
It’s Go Time:
Who in your life do you need to forgive? What’s that issues you’ve been holding onto expecting them to pay for? Have you ever had relationships that were able to be reconciled with forgiveness? Have you ever had any where it was important to end them to stay safe?
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
Level 5: Deep Trust Deep trust isn’t blind. It’s not naïve. And it’s not “forgive and forget.” It is earned. At this level, the betrayed partner can say, “I trust your character and integrity not because of constant proof, but because of who you’ve shown yourself to be over time.” This trust isn’t rooted in wishes or fantasy. It is rooted in history, consistency, repair, and lived experience. For the betrayed partner, trust isn’t just something you give. It’s something you choose with wisdom, boundaries, and self-respect. This level doesn’t mean you stop paying attention. It means you stop living in fear. You still speak up when something feels off, still honor your voice, but you no longer carry constant suspicion in your body. It’s not perfection. It is maturity. And it’s not automatic. It is maintained and practiced. For the partner who caused the harm: Live daily with integrity. Faithfulness is who you are, not just what you do when watched. Keep nurturing trust even when things feel good. Don’t coast. For the betrayed partner: Choose trust with wisdom staying open while honoring your boundaries, voice, and self-respect. Speak up early when something feels off instead of stuffing resentment.
Level 4: Inner Trust At this level, something important shifts. The betrayed partner begins to feel steadier not just because of their partner’s behavior, but because of their own inner self confidence. You might still say, “I want honesty. I want consistency.” But now you can also say, “I can calm myself. I can reality-check my fears. I don’t spiral the way I used to.” This doesn’t mean triggers disappear. it means they don’t control you anymore. Trust is no longer something you are desperately reaching for. It is something you are slowly standing on. For the partner who caused the harm, this stage calls for continued accountability not because you’re being monitored, but because reliability has become who you are. You don’t wait to be asked. You lead with consistently and freely. For the betrayed partner, this stage invites restraint rather than repression; but use wisdom. Instead of reopening old investigations every time fear arises, you begin asking: “Is this a current threat or an old wound reacting?” Inner trust grows when you learn to distinguish the two. This level represents a powerful turning point: trust becomes something you participate in — not something you beg for or police. For the partner who caused the harm: Keep being accountable without waiting to be asked. Prove reliability over time. Let consistency become your default gift to your partner not your response to a crisis. For the betrayed partner: Practice calming yourself when fears arise and reality-check triggers against the consistency you’ve seen over time. Resist reopening old investigations unless new information or patterns arise.
Level 3: Words + Actions Trust At this stage, trust begins to deepen beyond proof. The betrayed partner is no longer just asking, “Are you doing the right thing?” but also, “Do you understand what this did to me?” Words matter but only when they match consistent actions. Apologies without empathy feel hollow. Empathy without follow-through feels unsafe. Healing requires both. This is the level where emotional repair becomes central for the partner who caused the harm. – Can you listen without defending? – Can you take ownership without shifting blame? – Can you respond to pain without shutting down or counterattacking? For the betrayed partner, this stage is a shift from testing to expressing. Instead of checking to see if your partner behaved or met your standard, begin directly saying what hurts, what you need, and what helps. This is vulnerable work. It requires risking disappointment — but also opens the door to real repair. Triggers will still come. Memories will still surface. But instead of storing them as evidence to protect yourself later, this stage invites you to bring the hurt into the light where we can work on it together rather then letting it fester and turn into resentment. Trust at this level grows when: – Hurt is spoken instead of hidden. – Repair is attempted instead of avoided. – Consistency replaces defensiveness. This is where trust begins to feel less mechanical and more relational. For the partner who caused the harm: Speak with empathy, take ownership, and show consistent follow-through. Don’t just explain, try to understand and help your partner heal through action. For the betrayed partner: Express hurt and needs directly rather than testing your partner. Begin allowing repair efforts to matter. State your triggers instead of storing them up as evidence for protection later.
