danielcrosbycounseling

Rebuilding Trust - Level 5 - Deep Trust

Tue, 24 Mar 2026 05:00:00 GMT

Level 5: Deep Trust

Deep trust isn’t blind. It’s not naïve. And it’s not “forgive and forget.” It is earned.

At this level, the betrayed partner can say, “I trust your character and integrity not because of constant proof, but because of who you’ve shown yourself to be over time.”

This trust isn’t rooted in wishes or fantasy. It is rooted in history, consistency, repair, and lived experience.

For the betrayed partner, trust isn’t just something you give. It’s something you choose with wisdom, boundaries, and self-respect.

This level doesn’t mean you stop paying attention. It means you stop living in fear.

You still speak up when something feels off, still honor your voice, but you no longer carry constant suspicion in your body.

It’s not perfection. It is maturity.

And it’s not automatic. It is maintained and practiced.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Live daily with integrity. Faithfulness is who you are, not just what you do when watched.
Keep nurturing trust even when things feel good.
Don’t coast.

For the betrayed partner:

Choose trust with wisdom staying open while honoring your boundaries, voice, and self-respect.
Speak up early when something feels off instead of stuffing resentment.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 4 - Inner Trust

Tue, 17 Mar 2026 05:00:03 GMT

Level 4: Inner Trust

At this level, something important shifts. The betrayed partner begins to feel steadier not just because of their partner’s behavior, but because of their own inner self confidence.

You might still say, “I want honesty. I want consistency.” But now you can also say, “I can calm myself. I can reality-check my fears. I don’t spiral the way I used to.”

This doesn’t mean triggers disappear. it means they don’t control you anymore.

Trust is no longer something you are desperately reaching for. It is something you are slowly standing on.

For the partner who caused the harm, this stage calls for continued accountability not because you’re being monitored, but because reliability has become who you are. You don’t wait to be asked. You lead with consistently and freely.

For the betrayed partner, this stage invites restraint rather than repression; but use wisdom. Instead of reopening old investigations every time fear arises, you begin asking: “Is this a current threat or an old wound reacting?”

Inner trust grows when you learn to distinguish the two.

This level represents a powerful turning point: trust becomes something you participate in — not something you beg for or police.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Keep being accountable without waiting to be asked.
Prove reliability over time.
Let consistency become your default gift to your partner not your response to a crisis.

For the betrayed partner:

Practice calming yourself when fears arise and reality-check triggers against the consistency you’ve seen over time.
Resist reopening old investigations unless new information or patterns arise.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 3 - Words + Actions Trust

Tue, 10 Mar 2026 05:00:00 GMT

Level 3: Words + Actions Trust

At this stage, trust begins to deepen beyond proof. The betrayed partner is no longer just asking, “Are you doing the right thing?” but also, “Do you understand what this did to me?”

Words matter but only when they match consistent actions.

Apologies without empathy feel hollow. Empathy without follow-through feels unsafe. Healing requires both.

This is the level where emotional repair becomes central for the partner who caused the harm.

– Can you listen without defending?

– Can you take ownership without shifting blame?

– Can you respond to pain without shutting down or counterattacking?

For the betrayed partner, this stage is a shift from testing to expressing. Instead of checking to see if your partner behaved or met your standard, begin directly saying what hurts, what you need, and what helps.

This is vulnerable work. It requires risking disappointment — but also opens the door to real repair.

Triggers will still come. Memories will still surface. But instead of storing them as evidence to protect yourself later, this stage invites you to bring the hurt into the light where we can work on it together rather then letting it fester and turn into resentment.

Trust at this level grows when:

– Hurt is spoken instead of hidden.

– Repair is attempted instead of avoided.

– Consistency replaces defensiveness.

This is where trust begins to feel less mechanical and more relational.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Speak with empathy, take ownership, and show consistent follow-through.
Don’t just explain, try to understand and help your partner heal through action.

For the betrayed partner:

Express hurt and needs directly rather than testing your partner.
Begin allowing repair efforts to matter.
State your triggers instead of storing them up as evidence for protection later.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 2 - Substitute Trust

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 06:00:01 GMT

Level 2: Substitute Trust

At this stage, trust is still really shaky.

Many betrayed partners say, “Show me. I need proof. I want to see your phone, your location, your actions.”

Think of Substitute Trust like a cast on a broken bone. It’s not a replacement for bone itself, but it holds the bone in place while it heals.

When transparency is offered voluntarily it tells the injured partner, “You don’t have to chase the truth. I’m bringing it to you.”

When a hurting person has to demand transparency, it causes more distrust and paranoia.

For the betrayed partner, the goal is not to eliminate fear it’s to reduce chaos. Proof can bring relief, but it’s important to notice when checking becomes a way to regulate anxiety rather than restore connection.

Substitute trust should support healing, not replace it.

This stage works best when both partners understand that transparency is not punishment. It protects the relationship, emotional safety, and gives us momentum to keep growing.

Over time the need for constant proof should slowly decrease, not because you’re forcing yourself to stop checking, but because your nervous system no longer needs it as much.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Practice radical transparency.
Voluntarily offer proof rather than waiting to be asked.
C onsistency matters more than one-time disclosures.

For the betrayed partner:

Use transparency as a temporary support for safety, not a permanent way to regulate anxiety or gain certainty.
Be honest about whether the proof you seek is truly helping or becoming a crutch.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 1b - Self-Trust

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 06:00:00 GMT

Level 1b: Self-Trust

After betrayal, many people don’t just lose trust in their partner, they lose trust in THEMSELVES.

“Did I miss the signs?”

“Was I naive?”

“Can I ever trust my own judgment again?”

Rebuilding self-trust is not about becoming fearful or suspicious of everyone. It’s about reconnecting with your perceptions, instincts, and internal signals and learning to respect them again.

Maybe you sensed something was off but talked yourself out of it to preserve the relationship or the family. That doesn’t mean you’re bad it means you were trying to do the right thing and ended up getting bit.

This level runs through EVERY stage of trust rebuilding. Even as your partner becomes more consistent, your work is to begin to listen to your inner self again.

When self-trust grows, you’re no longer relying entirely on your partner’s behavior to feel safe. You begin to carry safety inside yourself again.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Be patient.
Support your partner in regaining confidence in their own feelings and reality.
Avoid defensiveness, minimizing, or anything that resembles gaslighting.

For the betrayed partner:

Practice trusting your instincts and emotional responses.
Recall times when you listened to your gut well.
Reestablish what you will and will not accept in a relationship and honor those boundaries consistently.

Rebuilding Trust - Level 1 - Fractured Trust

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 06:00:01 GMT

Level 1: Fractured Trust

After a betrayal trust shattered.

People in this level say, “Everything feels broken. I don’t know if I can ever trust again.” That makes sense, because betrayal doesn’t just hurt your heart; it disrupts your sense of reality and safety.

But you’re still here; still considering what repair might look like. The fact that you haven’t walked away entirely says there’s a part of you that hopes healing might be possible.

Level 1 is not about forgiveness or resolution. It’s not about moving on. It’s about honesty, stabilization, and finding safety again.

This is also a time to avoid impulsive emotional decisions. You don’t have to decide the future today. You just have to survive today and take good care of yourself.

You don’t have to know yet whether trust can be rebuilt. Right now, the only question is:

Can we create enough safety for healing to begin?

And that… is a powerful place to start.

For the partner who caused the harm:

Acknowledge the pain without defending, minimizing, or explaining it away.
DO NOT SAY: “I didn’t mean to,” or “It wasn’t that bad,” or “You’re overreacting.”
SAY THIS: “I see the damage. I take responsibility. I’m willing to repair.”
Your tone, attitude, and consistency matter more than your words right now.

For the betrayed partner:

Your work is not to “get over it,” but to let the pain be real without letting it control your life.
Try not to distract or numb yourself to the point that you can’t feel anything.
This is where trusted friends, a good therapist, or a pastor can come alongside you to help.

Rebuilding Trust - The Definition for Rebuilding Trust

Tue, 10 Feb 2026 06:00:00 GMT

Before we jump into the Levels of Trust, it's important that we have a good working definition of how to rebuild trust.

"AUTHENTIC CONSISTENCY WITH TRANSPARENCY OVER TIME"

Authentic - This cannot be manipulative, spiteful, fake, or contrived. It is humble, cheerful, and freely given.

Consistency - Tell me what you're going to do and then do it.

Transparency - Whatever you do, do it wide open. No hidden actions, agendas, or ulterior motives.

Time - Do it over and over again for as long as it takes.

Focus on this definition as we jump into the Levels next time!

Rebuilding Trust - Intro

Thu, 05 Feb 2026 17:47:12 GMT

REBUILDING TRUST

TRUST is the foundation of any good human relationship.

Can you feel that feeling in the pit of your stomach just thining about that time someone betrayed you?

When TRUST is violated it is replaced with fear, anger, and sadness.

So we're going to talk about several LEVELS OF TRUST that you can progress through and REBUILD TRUST in the coming weeks.

Stay tuned. This is going to be a good one!

Depression and Professional Help

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 12:00:04 GMT

Depression + Professional Help

So the big questions is: “How do I know when it’s time to go see a counselor about depression? When is it beyond just trying self-help strategies?”

Only you know how you’re feeling internally but here are some signs that it’s time to reach out:

• Suicidal thoughts – Call or Text 988 Immediately!

• Can’t function with work – You don’t care that there may be consequences for poor performance and you’re slacking on deadlines

• Parenting – You’ve given up on typical caretaking duties like healthy meals, cleaning up, or setting healthy boundaries with the kids

• Finances – You have a “screw it” mentality where you stop budgeting and just spend to try to find happiness OR You stop paying bills altogether

• Hygiene – Your personal hygiene tanks and you don’t care about brushing your teeth, bathing, wearing deodorant, etc.

• Isolation – You’ve consistently been avoiding others and turning down attempts of friends and family to pull you out of your slump

• Significant change in the way you normally function day to day

Call a therapist if you want…

• Accountability

• An outside perspective

• To dig deeper into the “why”

• A judgement free zone

• New ideas to try

Before beginning medication, ask these questions:

• “Hey doc! What is your philosophy on prescribing? (Conservative, Experimental, etc?)

• “Hey doc! Is there a time limit to how long you will keep me on this medication?

• “Hey doc! How will you be measuring how my progress and when to raise/lower dosage and begin or discontinue a medication?”

• “Do I feel at peace with how the Dr. explained this medication?”

• “Did the Dr. have the heart of a teacher or were they quick to prescribe without hearing me out?”

• “Did the Dr. take time with me or rush in and rush out?

• “Have I done my own research on the medications the Dr. is recommending?”

Homework:

If you’re not sure about any of the above, give me a call. I’ll happily do a FREE 15

Minute Consultation Call whether you want to come to see me or not. I’ll give you my

professional opinion about what might be the next right step.

Depression and Stagnation

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 12:00:13 GMT

Depression + Stagnation

What do you do when you’re doing all the right things and still feel depression lingering?

Depression isn’t an on/off switch that goes away overnight. It rarely gets better in an instant. There’s a progression to it.

If you’re investing in some of the things we’re talking about in this series CONSISTENTLY then you’ll probably see some positive changes over time.

In the meantime, try these ideas to help boost you out of your stagnation that you’re feeling.

1. Acknowledge progress over perfection. You didn’t get here overnight. Where did you begin and where are you now? What has improved?

2. Go serve someone else in a new way – Focusing on others is a good way to boost the way you feel about yourself.

3. Consider a shock to the system. A trip to a new place, a different therapist, a new hobby, a job change, or making a new friend can all make us feel alive again if we’re stagnant.

Homework:

Finish this statement:

“In the last week, the thing I’m the most proud of myself for doing is_______.”

Depression and Sleep Strugles

Mon, 13 Oct 2025 12:00:03 GMT

Depression + Sleep Struggles

Sleep is one of the biggest struggles we face when we’re depressed. Oddly enough the diagnosis manual says “Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day” as one of the symptoms. Whether you can’t sleep at all or you’re sleeping all the time it can really rock your world.

Maybe your mind is just spinning with all the jumble of thoughts in your head. Or maybe you have no energy and you’re struggling to just do the basics before going back to bed.

Here are 3 ideas to get the sleep routine back on track:

1. Create a predictable wind-down ritual –

Early dinner, Herbal tea, Warm bath, Good smelling lotion, Clean sheets and jammies.

2. Try “brain dump” journaling at night –

Write down today’s wins and loses as well as tomorrow’s worries so your brain can let go of those things. You can relax better without ruminating on it because it’s written down.

3. Avoid doom scrolling—

Replace screens with audio or soft light activity. Soothing. Uplifting reading. Devotional. Positive in/Positive out. If you must watch TV make sure it’s an emotion that competes with depression (funny!)

Homework:

Try a new bedtime strategy tonight and notice if it helps you wind down a little easier. Your brain and body will thank you tomorrow morning.

Depression and Guilt & Shame

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 12:00:15 GMT

Depression + Guilt and Shame

"I just hate telling my friends and family how I feel because I feel like such a burden. I’m sure they’re sick of hearing about it by now."

One of the lies depression tells us is that we have to carry this thing by alone because no one else wants to help. Guilt and shame are the heaviest lies that we tend to carry but we fight lies with the truth:

• Feelings aren’t always facts –

Just because you feel like a burden doesn’t mean you are one. That’s what we in the biz call a cognitive distortion — your mind is offering its opinion as fact.

• Asking for help is strength, not weakness –

When my mom said, “Y’all come help me carry in the groceries,” I never thought she was weak. When we love each other asking for and receiving help should go both ways. It’s an honor to help not a burden.

• Treat yourself like you’d treat a friend –

If someone you loved felt the way you do, you wouldn’t tell them to keep it to themselves. You’d listen, support, and remind them they matter. You would even be mad at them for NOT telling you. You deserve the same.

Homework:

Identify your 3am friends. These are people you could call at 3am and they’d come running with no questions asked. If you don’t have any 3am people, then go back and read the post about finding the # 1 Symptom of Depression. It’s time to start building those connections.

Depression & Nutrition (Part 2)

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:06 GMT

Depression + Nutrition (PART 2)

Ok, so I took all the fun away from eating junk last time. So let’s talk about things that are good fuel for our bodies.

1. Lean proteins: Fish and chicken provide good lean protein which boost our longer term energy and keep us from crashing later in the day.

2. Leafy Greens: Rich in folate, which is linked to improved mood.

3. Blueberries: High in antioxidants and may help protect against oxidative stress, which can contribute to depression.

4. Sweet Potatoes: A good source of vitamin B6, which is involved in the production of neurotransmitters like serotonin.

5. Avocados: Rich in healthy fats and nutrients that can contribute to overall well-being.

6. Dark Chocolate: Contains antioxidants and may improve mood.

When you’re eating these foods, you have to get up off the couch to prepare most of them. You just achieved a goal by creating a meal. Now you’re proud of yourself because you did something healthy which helps yourself talk. Now you can share a good recipe with a friend which creates socialization.

It all works together!

Homework:

How did the Yuka App from last week work out? There were probably some surprises in your pantry. This week, look up a healthy recipe, cook it, and notice if how you feel eating something healthy.

Bonus: Here’s a fun recipe my wife and I like to cook, especially in the winter months when we’re hankering for something fresh.

Sweet Potato Bowls:

Roast whole sweet potatoes in the oven until you can stick a knife through it easily. (Should take close to an hour depending on the thickness of the potato

Cut open and hollow out the potato into a bowl (It’s going to be really hot!)

Top with scoop of black beans – we buy the canned ones (heat on the stove while potatoes cook)

Add toppings:

½ Sliced avocado

Halved cherry tomatoes

Chopped onion

Chopped cilantro

Sour cream or a drizzle of ranch dressing

Salt and pepper to taste

Depression & Nutrition (Part 1)

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 05:00:00 GMT

Depression + Nutrition (PART 1)

Today we’re talking about the obvious. If you eat crap you’re going to feel like crap. I’m not preaching at you. I do it to. No shame here. I would eat a family sized bag of chips everyday for lunch if I could.

The way we feel is directly tied to what we eat though. It’s like fuel for the car. If you get some bad fuel it’s going to mess your engine up.

So what are some of the things killing us?

1. Energy drinks -

• Horrible for depression! They’re full of artificial chemicals and they cause you to spike and then crash. I have clients who are legitimately addicted to these just like someone is addicted to cocaine or heroin.

2. Marijuana -

• It’s not really a food unless you’re using edibles, but I’m tired of people trying to convince me that marijuana is good for you. Marijuana might be one of the biggest contributors to your depression if you’re a regular user.

• Warning: If you’re taking depression or anxiety medication while using marijuana, your brain is probably the most confused thing on the planet.

3. Ultraprocessed foods -

• This is pretty much anything sold in a gas station or anything that has an expiration date of more than a week or two. If it hasn’t been cooked the day you ate it then it is probably not contributing positively to your brain chemistry.

Homework:

Download the Yuka App. It’s free, you can scan any barcode, and it will tell you how healthy a food is on a scale of 0-100. It will also make recommendations for healthier alternatives for low scoring foods. It’s a lot of fun to play around with in your pantry.

Depression and Self Talk

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:33 GMT

Depression + Self-Talk

Can you hear that little voice in your head? It’s the one when you’re at the grocery store and you were supposed to get 3 things and you can’t remember the 3rd thing.

“Dang it, what was that last thing that I needed to get? It wasn’t milk because we have milk. Was it something in the produce section? Ugh, I can’t remember.”

Psychologist Ethan Kross write a book about this called “Chatter.”

Chatter is when normal factual self-talk changes to darker more accusatory and judgmental words.

“You screw everything up. Can’t you ever do anything right?”

“No one else struggles with this and here you are frozen and stuck in it doing the same stupid thing over and over again. You’re so pathetic.”

Chatter is only going to fuel your depression.

Here are 3 ways to quiet the chatter in your head:

1. Separate FACT from ASSUMPTION –

• It can only officially be a FACT if someone else has literally said it to you. I heard a quote recently that said, “Imposter syndrome is the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.” They aren’t.

2. Identify Negative Beliefs and where they came from –

• Negative Beliefs sound like “I” Statements. “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unworthy of love.” You might want to find a good counselor to help you work through these.

3. Journaling –

• Write down a response to your own chatter as if you were responding to a friend who came to you asking your opinion about their inner voice. We’re usually kinder to others than we are to ourselves unfortunately.

Homework:

Take 60 seconds and think about which Negative Belief seems to pop up in your head most often to keep depression alive and well? We all have at least one. What’s yours?

Depression and Movement

Mon, 08 Sep 2025 12:00:13 GMT

Depression and Movement

Alright, you knew it was coming. This is the 2nd most important way to beat depression.

The 1st is Connection. You can’t beat this thing alone. The 2nd is Exercise or Movement.

I say movement because when you’re struggling, you probably don’t feel like training for a marathon or joining a CrossFit gym.

But when you don’t move at all, you don’t grow at all.

Depression tells us to close the blinds and to lay in bed all day long in the dark accomplishing nothing. All that is going to do is stir up more Depression.

Movement gives us a small goal to achieve and it get our muscles engaged and our blood and brain chemicals flowing again. You are just simply going to feel more alive.

Here are 3 simple ways to start moving again:

1. Begin with gentle movement.

• It doesn’t have to involve sweating

• Try a yoga video on YouTube or just

• Do 5 minutes of stretching

2. Set a reminder to do three 5-minute mood walks during the day

• Walk around the building at work

• Walk around the house on a rainy day

• Notice your breath and the cadence of your arms and legs swinging back and forth

3. Make movement enjoyable

• Walk to an enjoyable destination like the local bakery or to your favorite spot on the greenway to get a picture of a waterfall

• Listen to your favorite music or podcast

• Socialize while moving like the old ladies power walking at the mall

Homework:

Try doing some sort of new movement this week that’s out of the norm for you and let the rest of us know what you did and if it made you feel better.

Depression and Routine Habits

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 12:00:21 GMT

Depression + Routine Habits

Ask any Kindergarten teacher if structure and routine is important.

I think we crave comfort and consistency of what we know because it makes us feel safe. We like our favorite food at our favorite restaurant and we sit in the same place at church most of the time.

But when depression hits, it can throw off our healthy routines and even spiral us into unhealthy habits.

If you’re battling some depression you might be letting some stuff slide, like cleaning the house, eating healthy, or getting to work on time.

3 Ways to Reignite Healthy Routines:

1. Write it down –

• Write down a checklist of to-do items the night before for what I plan to accomplish the next day. These can be big goal like filing your taxes or small personal hygiene goals like brushing your teeth.

2. Use accountability –

• Piggyback onto someone else’s routine. If you know your buddy goes to the gym every morning at 5am, ask if he will call you every morning for a month until you create your own habit.

3. Reward consistency, not intensity, growth, or perfection –

• We’re looking for reps. So what if you didn’t talk to anyone at church or sign up to serve in the children’s ministry. You showed up 5 Sundays in a row! That’s fantastic! Now go get ice cream!

Homework:

Pick one thing you need to get back into the routine of doing and try one of ideas above and tell us how you did.

Depression and Meaning

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 25 Aug 2025 12:00:16 GMT

Depression + Meaning

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist during WW2, was imprisoned in a concentration camp for most of the war and when the war ended he wrote a book titled “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

He believed that the absence of meaning is what leads to depression. Out of his experiences, he developed a therapy technique to help people find meaning in their lives.

So if a lack of meaning is fueling some of your depression, here’s what Dr. Frankl would suggest.

1. Contribute to the world through work, projects, or any form of creation that brings a sense of purpose.

• You were created for a unique purpose that only you can fulfill. What is it?

2. Experience the world, including appreciating beauty, encountering love, and engaging with others.

• You were created to live, not to scroll. What did you experience today that made you feel alive?

3. Choose a positive, responsible attitude towards unavoidable suffering, such as illness or loss.

• You were created to be resilient and live in hope. What hard thing have you overcome because you are strong?

Homework:

• I want you to write down which of those 3 might be lacking in your life right now.

• Then I want you to write down one small way that you can go meet that need for meaning in your life.

Depression and Loneliness

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 18 Aug 2025 12:00:00 GMT

Depression + Loneliness

The thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone. But there’s a difference in being alone and being lonely.

Sometimes we experience extreme loneliness even when we’re surrounded by people.

Loneliness is about an internal disconnection, not being known, not fitting in, not belonging, and feeling different.

Alone means, literally isolated, no one around, standing in the middle of the woods where no one can hear you even if you screamed.

Loneliness is an alarm like the fuel light on the dash alerting us that we’re nearing empty and need refilling.

Part of what drives our depression is a denial of our loneliness and an attitude of “I don’t need anyone. I’m strong and independent. I SHOULD be able to handle this on my own.”

That’s fine if you want to believe that, but if you ignore the fuel light for too long, you’re going to end up walking home.

So what do we do about loneliness?

Homework:

I want you to ask, “Where do people like me hang out?” because, I guarantee, you’re not the only one struggling with this.

• If you’re struggling as a mom with young kids, go find a mom with young kids to be with or even a slightly older mom who just exited that season and can encourage you.

• If you’re a man struggling with a secret porn addiction, go to a SA or Celebrate Recovery meeting. There’s no shame there because you’re all there for the same reason.

• Find a good counselor. Counselors are trained listeners, validators, encouragers, and connectors. A good counselor will help you put words to your loneliness and help you come up with a plan to meet the cravings of your heart’s desire in healthy ways.

The #1 Symptom of High Functioning Depression

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 11 Aug 2025 12:00:03 GMT

The #1 Symptom of Depression

If you find yourself beginning to isolate from others, then you may be teetering into high functioning depression. I put it as #1 because it can stir up a lot of the other symptoms.

That’s because isolation does 3 things to us:

1. Isolation increases negative self-talk –

• When I don’t have others around me who will challenge my negativity with the truth then I tend to assume my negativity is the truth.

2. Isolation decreases the chance of having positive experiences –

• When I am by myself, the chances of new ideas, new encouragement, and new successes is limited.

3. Isolation creates a lack of accountability to achieve –

• When I don’t have accountability to push me and to sharpen me, I often continue in the same dull direction.

Proverbs says, “As Iron sharpens iron so does one man sharpen another.” If you find yourself creeping into depression, find ways of reconnecting.

Homework:

• Commit to getting back in church for 5 Sundays in a row.

• Find a group of people who enjoy walking, biking, or going to the gym and join them.

• Go grab lunch with a group of coworkers.

And hey, if all else fails and you want to dig deeper, give me a call and we can get something scheduled.

What is High Functioning Depression?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 04 Aug 2025 12:00:10 GMT

What is High Functioning Depression?

If you’re the person who gets crap done, shows up for your family, runs your business, and keeps pushing—even when you feel dead inside—this might hit home.

You might be struggling with this thing called DEPRESSION. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

It doesn’t always look like crying in bed or missing work. In fact, it often looks like achievement. Busyness. Holding it all together.

But inside? You’re worn out. Numb. And starting to wonder if something’s wrong with you.

Let’s talk about what this high-functioning form of depression IS and what it IS NOT.

It’s NOT:

• Laziness or weakness

• Just being tired from a long week

• Something you can fix by "sucking it up and pushing through”

It IS:

• Feeling emotionally flat or disconnected, even when life looks good

• Going through the motions—parenting, working, providing—but not feeling present

• Quietly wondering: “Why do I feel this way when I have so much?”

You’re not broken—and you’re definitely not alone. High-functioning depression is real. And it’s more common than you think—especially in men who lead, provide, and never let anyone see them sweat.

Homework:

Take 5 minutes at the end of your day to answer this one question in a journal or your Notes app:

“What did I feel today—beneath the work, the schedule, the routine?”

You don’t have to keep white-knuckling your way through life. You can feel better. And we’ll talk more about how—right here, each week.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Man's Search for Meaning" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Sun, 03 Aug 2025 01:00:00 GMT

“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl ought to be a must read for everyone because of its historical significance as well as the brilliance in what it teaches us.

Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist during World War 2 and suffered imprisonment in a concentration camp for most of the war.

The first half of the book is a detailed account of the horrors he suffered at the hand of the Nazi’s in the camps. What makes it most interesting is his perspective as an expert student in human behavior, not only of his captors, but also of his fellow sufferers.

The second half of the book lays out his psychological theory. This is where it gets a little more geeky and heady.

Out of his experiences, he developed what he termed “logotherapy,” which sought to help people find meaning in their lives. He believed that the absence of meaning is what leads to most mental health struggles.

There are 3 ways in which we must derive meaning in life:

1. Contributing to the world through work, projects, or any form of creation that brings a sense of purpose.

2. Experiencing the world, including appreciating beauty, encountering love, and engaging with others.

3. Choosing a positive, responsible attitude towards unavoidable suffering, such as illness or loss.

So go read this one. You’ll get a lot out of the first half about his experiences in the concentration camps even if you’re not a counseling nerd like me that is fascinated by logotherapy.

“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.

New Depression Series

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 22:03:33 GMT

Depression

The top two things people come to counseling for are Anxiety and Depression. Nothing else even comes close.

Well I’ve given you all a mountain of anxiety tips and tricks so let’s tackle the other one.

Depression…

I hate depression! I’m going to go ahead and declare war on it right here from the start.

Maybe you’re struggling with it yourself but I know that all of us at least know someone who is.

Let’s face it, life sucks sometimes. If life hasn’t kicked your butt and wrestled you into submission yet, just wait; it will at some point.

The “whys” behind the anxiety and depression are literally limitless because it’s unique and it’s very personal.

But this idea of depression can mean 100 different things to 100 different people

So I’m planning 12 weeks of ideas and topics related to depression. Now, this information isn’t therapy. These are going to brief and to the point and they’re starter ideas meant to spark ideas within you.

We’re barely scratching the surface here AND most importantly, we’re talking mostly about high-functioning depression here. We’ll define that in another post.

If you’re teetering on the edge of suicide, call someone right now. Don’t wait. We kind of like having you around and we’d like to keep you around for awhile. Call or Text 988 today and real live person will connect with you.

But if you’re dragging through life and just want to run away and quit, you’re going to get some good stuff out of the next 12 weeks.

Finally, the algorithms in internetlandia are all based upon interaction. If you want more people to see this stuff then share it, comment on it, and interact. I’d appreciate it and I’ll see you all next week.

Homework:

Think of a person in your life right now that could benefit from these upcoming posts. Do you think it might help them if you shared it with them?

"Don't Believe Everything You Think" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 16 Jul 2025 13:00:00 GMT

“Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen is interesting. It’s one of those books where you need to grab hold of the concepts that are of benefit and toss the ones that aren’t. There’s some new-agey stuff in it that sounded like fluff to me but I had one big takeaway that I’ll use.

Here it is:

THOUGHTS are great!

THINKING can become problematic.

When you have a thought, that is neutral. It’s a fact. It’s what we do with that thought that then becomes helpful or harmful.

When I take that factual thought and I begin over THINKING, JUDGING myself, SPIRALING into worst case scenarios, then the thought ceases to be productive.

I’m confessing to you here. I’m raising my right hand. “Hi, my name is Daniel and I am an overthinker.” And then the crowd at the meeting replied I unison, “Hi Daniel.”

Accept the thought but keep an eye on it because if the thought begins to get squirely and become self-critical or catastrophize then we need to snap ourselves back to reality.

He gives you a little practical help with this but it’s only a 2 hour audiobook so it’s limited.

Hey, that’s why you should come see me for counseling though. As an overthinker, we can work together to find ways to help your overthinking.

It’s worth a read though. “Don’t Believe Everything You Think” by Joseph Nguyen.

"Born Again This Way" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 13:00:00 GMT

“Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson is a beautiful and deeply personal book about her struggle between her identity in the LGBT community and how that came into conflict when she became a person of faith. Talk about two very polarizing ideas in our world today!

I would say it’s ½ memoir and ½ theology in its makeup. Gilson doesn’t hold back from getting into the nitty gritty of her own story as well as the Christian scriptures. The book is pointed but respectful. I can’t see any well-meaning person coming away from it offended. Sure, there are those who will read it and disagree with her ideas. It will sadden some and give hope to others.

I’ve said before that we need to be reading things that challenge us. Read things to sharpen your beliefs. This means you should read a lot of things that are IN alignment with your beliefs so you can further clarify them. Also, read something that opposes your beliefs though. If we always live in our own echo chamber/ algorithm how will be learn how to interact with people who believe differently than we do.

This is a great one for families lovingly trying to understand a child wrestling with LGBT ideas. This is a great one if you have friends in the LGBT community and wonder if or how to approach matters of faith. This is a good one for those in the LGBT community who want to read something from a Christian who bridges that divide that often exists.

It’s a good one! “Born Again This Way” by Rachel Gilson.

"The Elephant in the Room" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 25 Jun 2025 12:00:03 GMT

“The Elephant in the Room: One Fat Man’s Quest to get Smaller in a Growing America” by Tommy Tomlinson might be my must read book of the year.

It’s a beautiful memoir by Tomlinson, a coastal Georgia native, and a journalist by trade. He tells his story through the lens of his lifelong struggle with his weight. If you live in the south, then food is at the center of everything. We grieve with food, celebrate with food, and medicate with food. Heck, sometimes we’re sitting at the table gorging ourselves for lunch as we’re discussing plans for dinner.

The book is hilarious in parts and heart breaking in other parts. It reminded me that everyone has a story behind who they are. We all have junk. He reminded me that some people’s stuff is internal. They look amazing on the outside but they’re crumbling inside. Other people’s stuff is external on display for the whole world to see though.

What if rather than prejudging those we meet, we come alongside them and share our stuff. There’s something about knowing someone’s story that levels the playing field.

If you struggle with weight, then this book is going to hit home. If you have a friend or family member who struggles with weight, then you need to read this one so you can better connect. If none of the above is true, you need to read this one because it’s an amazing story of a man who has a similar story to the rest of us. You’ll laugh and cry but most of all you’re connect with another person who is on this same journey we’re all on.

Go read “The Elephant in the Room” by Tommy Tomlinson.

"The Great Sex Rescue" Book Review/Warning

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 19 Jun 2025 00:00:00 GMT

Alright folks. I read this one, but my review is more of a warning than a recommendation. Read if you are interested but read with a strongly critical mindset.

I read “The Great Sex Rescue” because I’ve heard several people either recommend it or recommend another book by these ladies. It was co-written by three women, Joanna Sawatsky, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Sheila Wray Gregoire.

As an aside, another one of their books is called “She Deserves Better.” The title is self-explanatory. Granted I haven’t read this one, but I have a good friend whose marriage was nearly destroyed by this book. When we fill our minds with biased information that fuels ours and others’ confirmation biases, the impact can be extraordinarily powerful.

Ok, so a lot of the couples I meet with in counseling are struggling with the sexual intimacy in their marriages and I’m always on the lookout for good resources to recommend. I’m going to just say from the start that this book scares me. From the start, the premise of this book sounds intriguing. It made me nod my head a little. Ok, maybe I’m on board!

I think we can all agree that men and women have some differences when it comes to sexuality and that generations past and present have struggled in various ways to communicate about sex, to teach about sex, and to know how to view sex through a healthy lens. Sexuality is an oddity because it is taboo on the one hand but universal on the other.

The book attempts to look at sexuality through the lens of Christian women who struggle with sexual intimacy in their marriages. Ok, cool, that’s an incredibly good thing. They conducted a huge survey of women asking them about their sex lives and base some of the book on those statistics. Great! Evidenced based info. I like it! They make some good points such as pointing out that struggles in marital sexuality often have less to do with the act of sex and more to do with arousal. For instance, sex seems freer flowing when dating becaue arousal is easier when dating. There’s that long anticipation before most sexual contact occurs or we’re abstaining entirely from sexual contact until we’re married which makes the arousal that much greater still. Later in married life though, arousal tanks because the goal becomes to sneak a quickie in before the kids barge in. Hmm, good point. What if we focus on improving arousal and anticipation rather than on the performance act of sex? Good insight! I hadn’t thought about it like that.

But the positive teaching and insights I gained were few and far between. The majority of the book seems to be a smear platform for the authors to grind their axes. The ax in question is the evangelical male patriarchy who have taught and written about marriage and sexuality over the past 50 years. They don’t hide the fact that they are appalled at the grievous, outlandish, and even abusive teaching that they reviewed in a lot of the Christian sex and marriage literature throughout past decades.

The book spends page after page trashing authors and their books by name and pointing out that the problem with sexual struggles in marriage is predominantly with the men. But there’s more. Some of these poor simple-minded husbands in our world who are harming their wives oftentimes don’t even know any better because they were raised by a culture of toxic evangelical male church leaders who pointed them to resources that were all but coaching them to abuse their wives.

They quote passages from some of these books and even hint at rape in sections to describe what these books are teaching. A major pattern they suggest the Christian literature teaches is the following:

1. Husbands are sexual, and they can’t help that they need sex all the time. God made them this way.

2. Whether wives feel like it or not, they must give their husband’s sex.

3. If they don’t give their husband’s sex then it causes men to lust and cheat and it’s the wife’s fault if he strays from the marriage.

Now I’ve read most of the books they bash. I would like to think I’m reasonably intelligent person. I would also like to believe that my alarms in my brain would go off if I was reading material that was directly or indirectly teaching me to abuse my wife sexually. Reading some of the passages they cite, some do sound a bit appalling, but I wonder if taken in context there is more to it than these snippets they charge the authors with.

I’ve met with hundreds of couples, many of whom are struggling sexually in their marriages. I’ve yet to have a wife come to me and say that the main problem is her toxic husband sexually abusing her in the bedroom because he read one of the popular Christian marriage/sex books. It’s just way more complex than finding a singular thing to point our finger at.

Most husbands and wives I meet are people who love one another dearly and want nothing more than to please one another. When my friend came to me about the book “She Deserves Better” he asked me scratching his head, “Daniel, am I really this monster that this book tells my wife that I am?” I have to admit, reading “The Great Sex Rescue” made me feel the same way. Have I been an abuser for my whole marriage and I just never realized it? I asked my wife and thankfully she reassured me that the answer is “no.”

I can’t do these ladies’ book justice with just a simple brief review. Buy it and read it for yourself. I believe in reading things that we disagree with because it sparks conversation and makes us think critically. Maybe I am a bit defensive toward some of what I read. I’ve wondered why that may be.

Nonetheless, there seems to be a pattern emerging within the progressive Christian community in pockets where the enemy isn’t spiritual at all. The true enemy, they might say, is the past generation who traumatized us and triggered us with their male evangelical patriarchal abuse sexually and theologically. If that’s true, then yes, throw it off, rebel, and go find freedom.

Is it possible, though, that the truth lies somewhere in the middle? Maybe it’s not all the men’s fault OR responsibility AND maybe it’s also not all the women’s fault OR responsibility. Maybe we’re all more alike than we are different. Maybe we’re all sinner in need of rescue from a Savior. Maybe we’re all sexually and spiritually broken in our own ways and we’re doing our best to help one another heal and find meaning, purpose, joy, and fulfillment in our marriages and relationships.

Maybe we can seek resources and find the good in them and discard what is not helpful; eat the meat and spit out the bones. The importance is that we’re communicating about it. We’re doing it together, in community, because that’s how God created us.

"Uncomfortable" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 07 May 2025 20:47:48 GMT

“Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community” by Brett McCracken is a great book to read if you’re a church person or if you’ve become somewhat detached and frustrated with the church.

McCracken challenges all of us, conservatives and progressives, to think about the WHY behind Christian community and one of the fundamentals of finding the WHY is approaching it with humility. Maybe you having it your way and telling everyone else they’re wrong wasn’t exactly what Christ had in mind when He instituted the church. iPhones and iPads seem to have morphed into iChurch in a sense.

American culture has turned Christ’s church into a business that caters to our comforts aesthetically, relationally, and politically. It’s made us consumers, critics, and reviewers of the Church rather than servants of THE Kingdom.

It’s not wrong to have preferences and to like some things better than others. Music, décor, and speaking style are all over the spectrum at different churches, but he argues that the point of picking a church and serving in it should be less about does it meet my needs and more about whether I’m showing up and using this place along with this group to glorify God.

He annoyed me in parts because he steps on my toes but maybe we need that a little more often. If you’re disenfranchised with the status quo and you feel like it’d be good to be challenged about church then go grab “Uncomfortable” by Brett McCrackin.

Look for Beautiful Things

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 12:00:15 GMT

Look for beautiful things when you're restless, uncomfortable, or on edge. There's something about acknowledging the good around us that helps us reset and realize that it's not all bad.

If you're struggling to see beautiful things in the world, come see me and we can talk more about it.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"The Needs of the Heart" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 24 Apr 2025 00:00:00 GMT

“The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd is a book that will blow your mind. When I picked it up, it’s a very small thin book. Less than 100 pages. I assumed I’d breeze through it in a couple of hours. About a month later I finished digesting it.

The truth is we cannot fully live the life God has called us to unless we acknowledge that we do have needs, that these needs are good, and discover the healthy ways of meeting these needs.

Chip takes common human needs like Security and Accomplishment and he unpacks what they really are pointing us to in his typical concise but brilliant depth. There’s no fluff here.

With chapters just 3-4 pages each, you’re going to want to have a highlighter ready to underline, to ponder these topics, and maybe then to discuss them with someone you know and trust.

You’ll come away from this book with a deeper sense what is already fulfilled within you and ones that might be lacking where you need to go do a deep dive with a lot of prayer and introspection.

If you liked Chip’s book “The Voice of the Heart,” this is one is your next read. Go grab “The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd.

Psychobabble = Systematic Desensitization + Flooding = "What the heck?"

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 21 Apr 2025 14:45:00 GMT

Two ways a counselor might help you get uncomfortable and grow:

1. Systematic Desensitization is progressively working your way up to do harder things until you reach your goal and the hard things don't feel as hard anymore.

2. Flooding is when you conquer the struggle by going all in and confronting it head on. It's like teaching someone to swim by throwing them in the deep end of the pool.

Could these things help you overcome some complacency? Come see me and we can talk more about it.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Hurt Discomfort vs Harm Discomfort

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 14 Apr 2025 12:00:00 GMT

Hurt Discomfort vs Harm Discomfort?

What's the difference?

One is good for you....keep doing more of that one! It helps you grow.

The other is destroying you...so stop doing that one today!

If you're struggling to know the difference, this is where counseling can help. Come see me.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Growth and Comfort Don't Coexist

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 07 Apr 2025 12:00:04 GMT

"Growth and Comfort Don't Coexist"

The scariest thing about getting uncomfortable is doing it alone.

I want to offer you a safe judgement free zone to say the uncomfortable things out loud.

If you're uncomfortable with your lack of growth then come see me and we'll dig into it together.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"My Life and Work" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 02 Apr 2025 12:00:00 GMT

“My Life and Work” by Henry Ford is the autobiography by the famed automaker. Yes, that Ford, like the one in your driveway.

Why read this one? One, I’m obsessed with learning. Two, I read things that are interesting to me. Three, I want to be successful and not waste this life God gave me. One way I can succeed is from learning from interesting people who succeeded in the past.

Success is relative, and while I don’t want to start a car company, I do want my life to have an impact in some way. Henry Ford’s life and work were fascinating.

Three things I learned:

1. Ford had an attitude of persistence. He kept going until he found what worked. Setbacks are not failures, just opportunities to try again.

2. Ford knew that people mattered. While known for his radical and maybe even perfectionistic efficiency when it came to inventing the assembly line, he never lost sight of the value that individual workers have in making that system work.

3. Ford believed in service above profit. He knew that if he gave the customer a good product at a fair price and treated them well then the profits would take care of themselves.

What all could we accomplish if we simply lived and worked by those 3 principles?

Connection

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 31 Mar 2025 12:00:00 GMT

Here's the antidote to numbing, self medicating, and distraction. It's simple.

Connection

If that antidote is to painful for you, you might want to come chat with me.

Together we can make sense of what is getting in your way.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Death by Meeting" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 12:00:00 GMT

So if you work in corporate America and have to lead or attend meetings, then this book is a must read for you. Do yourself in those you work with a favor and read it today.

If you have ever attended a meeting and thought to yourself, “I am bored out of my mind and this could have easily been done in a short email,” then read this book and you will be entertained.

“Death by Meeting” by Patrick Lencioni is a phenomenal read. I love the way he writes because he takes what could’ve been a really boring step-by-step business book and he creates a narrative fable in which he teaches us.

As I was reading the book, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Yep, that’s why those meetings were so terrible for all those years.” And when I say that, I am pointing a finger back at myself because I helped lead some of those meetings.

Most people don’t want to change and most people like the status quo in their comfort. Changing the way you do meetings at your organization is going to create some friction and take some work, but the reward for it on the other end might blow your mind.

If you don’t know what to do, then start by picking this book up and learning while being entertained by “Death by Meeting” by Patrick Lencioni.

Medicate - Numb - Distract

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 12:00:00 GMT

When you're restless and uncomfortable what do you do?

We tend to medicate, distract, numb using social media, fill our world with noise, clean to stay busy, use substances, and have affairs.

We'll do nearly anything to keep from sitting in our thoughts.

I help people solve their restlessness once and for all.

Send your friends my way. I'll take good care of them.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 19 Mar 2025 12:00:00 GMT

“Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away” by Gary Chapman is one of the better books I’ve read lately for struggling marriages. Gary’s the guy that wrote the book “The Five Love Languages” that has been such a hit for decades.

This book goes deeper. If you’re in a marriage and you feel stuck and hopeless and like nothing is going to change then you’ve gotta read this one. The premise of the book is that you cannot control your spouse, but you can influence your spouse.

Is your spouse irresponsible, a workaholic, depressed, controlling, verbally, physically, or sexually abusive, uncommunicative, unfaithful, or addicted? Well there’s a whole chapter on each of these where he breaks down how you can influence your spouse for good.

The book is hopeful, yet realistic. Dr. Chapman is honest in saying where certain situations are going to be harder to overcome than others but also how every situation is worth trying for. If you’re considering a divorce then it would be good to read this book 1st to see if you’ve really done all you can do to overcome your marriage struggles. Or if you’re just tired of dealing with the same crap over and over again than this is a good one to read.

Go pick up “Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away” by Gary Chapman.

Discomfort = Growth

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 17 Mar 2025 12:00:12 GMT

What is that uncomfortable thing in life that you dislike the most?

What is the uncomfortable thing you're proud of that you overcame?

Why do you feel proud about that?

It's when we do hard things that we grow!

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Go Ahead ask Anything" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 12 Mar 2025 12:00:22 GMT

“Go Ahead Ask Anything” by Jim Lyons is a fun book to read because it’s different. Imagine if you went to church and the pastor let you write down literally any question that you have about faith, the Bible, or just the world in general. That’s exactly what this book is.

Sometimes it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t put stipulations on what is and is not allowed. Now granted the author is a pastor, and he answers every question from a biblical perspective. I felt like he was fair and balanced in his answers, and he gave ample evidence from scripture about how he came to his conclusions.

I shared this book recently with the pastor friend, and he was intrigued and said that he might even do his own version of this at his church.

The book isn’t new, but a lot of the same topics are still relevant today. Topics like illegal immigration, same-sex relationships, the accuracy and validity of the Bible are all in there. It’s not a political book at all.

If you’ve ever wondered about these and more questions, then this would be a fun one to check out and read. I’ll even challenge the pastors out there. I wonder if your church would enjoy doing a service or reading a blog where you answer some of their questions from the biblical perspective?

Check it out. “Go ahead Ask Anything” by Jim Lyons.

Comfort Addiction

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 10 Mar 2025 15:10:15 GMT

Do you suffer from from Comfort Addiction?

That's when we struggle to do hard things because we have it so comfortable all the time.

Counseling is a good way to safely get uncomfortable and deal with some of those physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual discomforts that you've let pile up for so long.

Send your friends and family my way if they're wrestling with some uncomfortable things. We're better together.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Building a StoryBrand" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 05 Mar 2025 13:00:00 GMT

“Building a StoryBrand” by Donald Miller is a must read if you own or are starting a business.

You are an expert at your business, and you do what you do because you have a passion for wanting to help others. The challenge comes when you struggle to communicate that to the masses.

Marketing is how we communicate what we do and how it can help others. You might have an amazing service or product but without sharing it, what good is it?

“Building a StoryBrand” is the book that helps you lay out your messaging in such as way that your customers or clients will find you and say, “Yeah, they get me and I think they can help me solve the problem I’m having.”

The basis for the book is on helping communicate that you understand your customer’s (The HERO) problem and how you “The GUIDE) can help them.

The book is chocked full of Dos and Don’ts of how to create a messaging framework that gets your message seen and clearly understood.

If you’ve hit a wall or just want to freshen up your messaging and tell a better story then go grab “Building a StoryBrand” by Donald Miller.

Restless - Tension - Discomfort

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 03 Mar 2025 15:01:21 GMT

Restless + Tension + Discomfort

The truth is these are part of life.

The real struggle is trying to deal with these by yourself.

Connect with a friend, family member, or come talk to me. I'd love to meet and see if we can make sense of that restlessness together.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Marriage Recap - Forgiveness

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 28 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

18. Forgiveness

If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.

The problem with broken relationships is that what is said can’t be unsaid and what is done can’t be undone. If you cheated on me, how do you pay that back, let me go cheat on you? NO! Maybe you’ve said you’re sorry. Maybe you’ve changed your behaviors. The fact is, I still remember or even feel the hurt you brought into my life.

Sue Johnson calls it the Rupture/Repair Cycle. When there’s a rupture in the relationship and we find a way to repair it, oftentimes the relationship and/or each of us as individuals become stronger than we were before the rupture occurred.

Enter forgiveness.

Forgiveness is my acknowledgement and recognition that there’s nothing you can do to repay that debt. There’s no sense in me continuing to hold it over your head to pay since you can’t pay it. Forgiveness is my cancelling, crossing out, that debt and writing $0 Balance in the ledger.

Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.

3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:

1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.

2. Reestablish Freedom – I’m no longer enslaved by my insatiable drive to make you pay. You’re no longer having to flee being chased to give me something you know you can’t give me. We can both relax knowing the pursuit is over.

3. Practice Compassion – No one has ever told me they have the goal of becoming more bitter. Bitterness toward others often reflects back and creates bitterness toward me. Compassion is contagious. When I can show compassion for you I often begin to show more compassion for myself as well.

It’s Go Time:

Who in your life do you need to forgive? What’s that issues you’ve been holding onto expecting them to pay for? Have you ever had relationships that were able to be reconciled with forgiveness? Have you ever had any where it was important to end them to stay safe?

Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Buy Back Your Time" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 26 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

“Buy Back Your Time” by Dan Martell is a good book if you own a business and you’re overwhelmed and drowning in the day-to-day tasks that seem to just keep growing.

You’ll also get something out of it if you stay at home, work for an employer, or just find that life is too busy.

His concept is simple, you must decide which tasks in the business only you can do. What is your area of genius to make this thing run well? All other tasks, begin finding ways to delegate them.

That might mean putting them into someone else’s corner on your team.

That might mean hiring someone new who is a pro at that task.

That might mean eliminating that tasks altogether because it doesn’t move the needle.

That might even mean someone else already has that task on their plate and you’re micromanaging by continually picking it up. Give it back to them!

It’s true that when we say “yes” to one thing we automatically are saying “no” to something else.

Time is one of our most valuable resources and Dan offers tips and tricks to help organize it better and get rid of tasks wasting our time. It’s a business book but it’s valuable to anyone who feels crunched for time.

“Buy Back Your Time” by Dan Martell.

Help Heal My Marriage - 18. Forgiveness

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 24 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

18. Forgiveness

If you borrow $100 from me, you are now in the negative in my ledger until you pay me back $100. You are in debt until we’re even and you no longer owe me anything.

Enter forgiveness.

Sometimes forgiveness means that we rekindle and rebuild the relationship. Sometimes it means that our relationship must end for one or both of us to be safe.

3 Benefits of Choosing Forgiveness:

1. Reestablish Safety – We reset our expectations and boundaries about what the relationship can and will look like moving forward. We make new agreements together and with ourselves.

It’s Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - Call a Cease Fire

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 14:00:00 GMT

17. Call a Cease Fire

The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on.

This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating.

I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop.

Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks:

1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat.

2. Surrender…sort of – Waving the white flag isn’t necessarily defeat if you think of it as living to fight another day. Say things like, “I’m tired of fighting.” “I need to stop talking about this for now.” “We can’t keep doing this.” (Refer back to our timeout topic earlier)

3. Begin peace talks – State what’s true like: “I know we love each other AND I also know that we totally disagree about this AND I know there’s a place we can come to an agreement on AND I know right now is not the time to keep going in circles AND I want to talk about it tonight when I get home around 6:30 if you’re willing.”

Go Time:

Which one of you is the more mature one that is going to choose to stop the cycle? Trick Question! No one wants to be the less mature one. If you’re both trying to be the mature one then this thing might just work out ok!

Help Heal My Marriage - 17. Call a Cease Fire

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 14:00:00 GMT

17. Call a Cease Fire

The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on.

This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating.

I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop.

Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks:

1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat.

Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - Go All In

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

16. Go All In

One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage.

If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more.

Staying limbo doesn’t make for a good relationship. A contractor wouldn’t start building you a house until you’re all in and have signed the contract. A doctor won’t operate until you’re signed the paperwork saying you agree to the procedure.

So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas:

1. Recognize the risks –

Let’s apply some logic to this and admit that it could crash and burn. Just say that aloud! Now, write down worst case scenario and tell yourself what you would do if that happened. Chances are this is not a life ending decision to go all-in.

2. Clearly communicate deal breakers –

Don’t tolerate the intolerable. If there’s a deal breaking behavior occurring, then break the deal. If an affair happens again, and again, and again, it’s probably time to stop kicking the can down the road and hit the eject button.

3. Choose to see the good –

I know there WAS hurt in the past, but I want you to try to see the possible good in the future that will only come with being all-in. Is the good, good enough to justify taking the risk of going all-in.

It’s Go Time:

If you’re still wavering on going all-in, there may be more going on beneath the surface. Go talk to a good pastor or counselor who can help you dig and give you a different perspective on why you’re struggling to take that big step IN or OUT.

Help Heal My Marriage - 16. Go All In

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 10 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

16. Go All In

One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage.

If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more.

So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas:

1. Recognize the risks –

2. Clearly communicate deal breakers –

3. Choose to see the good –

It’s Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - Love is a Choice

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 07 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

15. Love is a Choice

Our culture has distorted the idea of LOVE. How’s that for directness?

Hollywood’s idea of love…Tik Tok’s idea of love…Our neighbor’s idea of love…

So what is love anyway?!

Love is the choice to seek only the best. It’s not just a feeling in the moment. It’s not just a logical thought either. It’s all of it wrapped up together.

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

See where he said it takes the “heart, soul, and mind?” That’s complex!

This means that I should seek the best relationship with God, the best relationship with others, and the best relationship with myself.

Sometimes choosing what is best turns out to be what is the most difficult.

So what can help us choose love? Here are 3 ideas from Robert Sternberg, a psychologist that studied love.

1. Intimacy – Do you have fun together? Would you rather spend the day with your spouse or with anyone but your spouse? Do you play, tease, joke, talk, and dream together? Can you have conversations about hard things?

2. Passion – How’s your sex life? Is it growing and deepening or is it on the back burner and just a chore to check off the list? Do you kiss? Do you really kiss, like more than a peck on the cheek while walking out the door? Do you admire your spouse. Do you check them out when they walk away? Do you hug long and often?

3. Commitment – How strong is your trust in your marriage? Do you feel secure? Can you talk to your spouse about it if you don’t feel secure? Do you believe that you’d stay married even through a miscarriage, a life changing medical crisis, financial ruin, or an affair?

It’s Go Time:

Are your answers mostly positive to the above or do you need to get to work and begin making your love foundation a bit more solid? Maybe talk to your spouse about these big 3. Maybe call and set up an appointment with a counselor.

"The E-Myth" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 05 Feb 2025 13:00:00 GMT

In “The E-Myth,” Michael Gerber tackles the difficult ideas of entrepreneurship.

There’s a growing trend in our culture where we don’t want to work for “The Man.” That leaves us with the dream of starting our own business. The problem is, not everyone is cut out for starting and running a business.

Working as a plumber is much different than running a plumbing company. Being able to cook incredible food is much different than being able to run a successful restaurant.

Gerber lays out some of the challenges in entrepreneurship and give great advice on what to expect and how to overcome many of the common problems.

Delegation, Hiring and Firing, Finances, and Scaling are all topics discussed.

It’s a fun and interesting read due in part to how he weaves business advice into a story framework as we get to follow a coaching relationship between a business owner and her business coach.

If you own or are thinking of owning a business then this one’s for you. “The E-myth” by Michael Gerber.

Help Heal My Marriage - 15. Love is a Choice

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 13:00:01 GMT

15. Love is a Choice

Our culture has distorted the idea of LOVE. How’s that for directness?

Hollywood’s idea of love…Tik Tok’s idea of love…Our neighbor’s idea of love…

So what is love anyway?!

Love is the choice to seek only the best. It’s not just a feeling in the moment. It’s not just a logical thought either. It’s all of it wrapped up together.

See where he said it takes the “heart, soul, and mind?” That’s complex!

This means that I should seek the best relationship with God, the best relationship with others, and the best relationship with myself.

Sometimes choosing what is best turns out to be what is the most difficult.

So what can help us choose love? Here are 3 ideas from Robert Sternberg, a psychologist that studied love.

It’s Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - "You Can't Handle the Truth!"

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 13:00:01 GMT

14. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”

That’s a quote by Jack Nicholson. If you haven’t seen the move “A Few Good Men” then it’s a classic!

Ok, so what if I told you that your spouse is your best thermometer?

Don’t feel good? Feeling hot? “Let’s take your temperature and see if you have a fever.”

“I’m not sure if the turkey is done. Let’s check the temperature to see if it’s cooked all the way though.”

The thermometer doesn’t lie. It’s just a measure telling you what’s going on inside.

When it comes to our marriage, the person closest to us can be extremely important at giving us a reading at how we’re doing. The problem is this: In relationships, we’re often least likely to listen to agree with those who are closest to us.

Are you secure and humble enough to recognize that your spouse might be giving you a big ol’ dose of loving Truth? What about if what they’re saying is True even though they’re presenting it in a horribly unloving way? Maybe it’s still true.

Here are 3 ways to handle the hard truths:

1. Pick one part – “You might be right about that first part.”

Criticism is never easy to stomach, especially if it is delivered poorly, but consider 1 part of what your spouse said that might be true. This will help build a bridge of agreement.

2. Ask a question – “How would you have said it differently?”

Rather than defend or offer a rebuttal, ask a follow up or clarifying question to their criticism. It shows you’re engaged and willing to listen.

3. Thank your spouse for the feedback – “Thanks for telling me this rather than just holding it in and letting us get into one of those fights we usually get into. I’ll think more about what you said.”

Let them know that you’re safe to come to even if you disagree. Telling someone they’re wrong usually just creates alternating protests.

It’s Go Time:

The next time someone offers you some constructive (or not so constructive) feedback, try one of the above approaches and see if it doesn’t make the conversation go a lot more smoothly.

Help Heal My Marriage - 14. "You Can't Handle The Truth!"

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 17:45:00 GMT

14. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”

That’s a quote by Jack Nicholson. If you haven’t seen the move “A Few Good Men” then it’s a classic!

Ok, so what if I told you that your spouse is your best thermometer?

Don’t feel good? Feeling hot? “Let’s take your temperature and see if you have a fever.”

“I’m not sure if the turkey is done. Let’s check the temperature to see if it’s cooked all the way though.”

The thermometer doesn’t lie. It’s just a measure telling you what’s going on inside.

Here are 3 ways to handle the hard truths:

1. Pick one part – “You might be right about that first part.”

Criticism is never easy to stomach, especially if it is delivered poorly, but consider 1 part of what your spouse said that might be true. This will help build a bridge of agreement.

2. Ask a question – “How would you have said it differently?”

Rather than defend or offer a rebuttal, ask a follow up or clarifying question to their criticism. It shows you’re engaged and willing to listen.

Let them know that you’re safe to come to even if you disagree. Telling someone they’re wrong usually just creates alternating protests.

It’s Go Time:

The next time someone offers you some constructive (or not so constructive) feedback, try one of the above approaches and see if it doesn’t make the conversation go a lot more smoothly.

60 Second Marriage Recap - Unconditional Love

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 24 Jan 2025 13:00:00 GMT

13. Unconditional Love

Does unconditional love exist? I believe it does…

…BUT…

…“But Daniel, I truly loved a person in my past and you can’t imagine the hurt they put me through. I just can’t love them anymore.”

I would argue that the reason you are hurting so much is BECAUSE you love them. Oftentimes the deeper the love, the more the hurt can occur. When we love deeply and open ourselves up vulnerably, we also open ourselves up to deep disappointment.

While I believe Unconditional Love DOES exist, I also believe that Unconditional Boundaries should not.

Part of loving someone is and being loved by them is knowing where the lines are. As the saying goes, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This is true in all relationships.

It is possible to love someone deeply and have to draw a line in what we will and will not tolerate and accept from that person.

It is possible to love someone unconditionally and even have to end that relationship.

Here are 3 ways to practice loving unconditionally:

1. Forgive freely – constantly trying to collect an old debt isn’t unconditional love. We must forgive in order to love freely.

2. Communicate clearly – Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” Be clear in what you expect out of those you love.

3. Accept openly – Recognize that you nor your spouse is perfect. You have just as many annoying things as they do. Love them for who they are.

It’s Go Time:

Do a quick 60 second assessment of your marriage. Ask: “What have I not forgiven?” “What have I not communicated?” “What am I not accepting?” “What boundaries haven’t been set that probably need to be moving forward?”

"Good to Great" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 22 Jan 2025 13:00:00 GMT

“Good to Great” by Jim Collins is a really fun read, at least it is if you’re a business, leadership, personal growth nerd like me.

He did an enormous research study about why some companies are good and why some go on to greatness. You’ll recognize nearly every company and brand he refers to.

But you don’t have to own or lead a business to gain value from this book. It’s easy to adapt the principles for personal growth as well.

Here are 3 snippets of principles he teaches:

First Who Then What – Focus on getting the right people on your team and then decide what direction you’re going to go. Personally, how about that in terms of dating and friendships? The people we surround ourselves with can either elevate or detract from our life goals.

Confront the Brutal Facts – Especially in the south, where I live, people want to be “nice.” In fact, they sometimes want to be so “nice” they end up lying right to your face. Part of success is finding the truth. How valuable in business and relationships would it be to have someone by your side who states the truth and confronts you with the facts every single time?

A Culture of Discipline – We’ve all admired people who seem to have immense self-discipline whether it’s work ethic or personal health. The same is true in business. Setting a standard and abiding by it is crucial to success of moving from good to great. When we waver on our standards that’s when we get shaky and lose focus.

So if you’re like me and your life is pretty good but you’d like for it to be truly great, then you have to go grab this one. “Good to Great” by Jim Collins.

Help Heal My Marriage - 13. Unconditional Love

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 21 Jan 2025 17:36:39 GMT

13. Unconditional Love

Does unconditional love exist? I believe it does…

…BUT…

…“But Daniel, I truly loved a person in my past and you can’t imagine the hurt they put me through. I just can’t love them anymore.”

While I believe Unconditional Love DOES exist, I also believe that Unconditional Boundaries should not.

Part of loving someone is and being loved by them is knowing where the lines are. As the saying goes, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This is true in all relationships.

It is possible to love someone deeply and have to draw a line in what we will and will not tolerate and accept from that person.

It is possible to love someone unconditionally and even have to end that relationship.

Here are 3 ways to practice loving unconditionally:

1. Forgive freely – constantly trying to collect an old debt isn’t unconditional love. We must forgive in order to love freely.

2. Communicate clearly – Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” Be clear in what you expect out of those you love.

3. Accept openly – Recognize that you nor your spouse is perfect. You have just as many annoying things as they do. Love them for who they are.

It’s Go Time:

"Created for Connection" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 18:19:38 GMT

“Created for Connection” by Sue Johnson is a book very similar to one I reviewed last year, “Hold me Tight.” In fact, it’s the same book, except it approaches the topic from a Christian perspective.

Jump on my website or social media and look back on the “Hold me Tight” book review.

Sue Johnson is the founder of the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) model of couples counseling. It has a proven track record of helping couples work through distress in their relationships with success rated in the 80-90% range.

“Created for Connection” take’s Johnson’s EFT framework and teaches it in a clear understandable way that anyone can follow. It also interweaves ideas from the Christian faith and scripture that shows how the framework, while not founded as a faith based treatment, really aligns with what the Christian reads in their Bible. She welcomes Kenneth Sanderfer on as a contributor in this version as he adds many of the Christian ideas and components.

Most Christians would agree that they find healing through their faith and this is also true within their marriages. Christians read in Genesis where life began with a marriage in a garden and the Bible ends with a wedding feast between the church and Christ.

If marriage is this important to God then we must continue to invest in finding hope and healing in our marriages. “Created for Connection” isn’t a fluffy Christian self-help book, but a guide to begin wading through the deeper waters of why your marriage is unwell, how to identify your part of the problem, and what to do to repair it.

There are ample stories and case studies throughout to make it readable, relatable, and entertaining.

If you want to dive into the inner struggles of your marriage then go grab “Created for Connection” by Sue Johnson.

"The Murray Method" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 18:17:02 GMT

“The Murray Method” by Marilyn Murray would be a great read for you if you’ve been through a lot of life trauma and you’re ready to dig into it and try to sort it out and understand it better.

Murray wrote another book called “Prisoner of Another War” which I reviewed in 2024. Go back and listen to it if you want to know what all she went through personally which was the start of her own trauma healing journey.

What she lays out in “The Murray Method” is a systematic approach to working through your own trauma. The book is understandable enough that anyone can read it and work through their own stuff, but it’s deep enough where it’s surgical and will really get to the root of the issues.

I recommend going through it with a counselor or close trusted friend or ally because you’re going to unearth some new ideas and ways of reframing what you went through that need to be talked out.

It’s also a good resource if you’re a loved one and just want to understand a spouse or friend’s trauma healing journey and how to help.

The book is practical and filled with dozens of exercises to help you experience, feel, and see the roots of your pain and begin to heal.

Choosing to begin healing is not for the faint of heart but it’s well worth the work put in. “The Murray Method” by Marilyn Murray would be a great start.

"The Gifts of Imperfection" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 26 Nov 2024 18:15:12 GMT

“The Gifts of Imperfection” by Dr. Brene Brown. Go grab this one if you’ve ever wrestled with feeling inadequate, like you’re not good enough, or you don’t measure up.

If you’ve never felt these things then go buy it and read it because you’re in denial about all the above.

This is a good one folks. It’s one of those books that you’ll read and say, “Wow, yes, she said exactly what I’ve wrestled with for a long time. I didn’t know this was so universal in so many people.”

I tell folks all the time that they need to connect with others and connect with themselves. Afterall, how can we fully connect with others unless we have some understanding of ourselves? This book explores all that in depth as she goes into topics such as Authenticity, Compassion, Resilience, Creativity, Meaningful work, and many more.

I love how she deeply defines each of these ideas in a way that makes it accessible. Like, have you ever really thought about what it means to be truly authentic? Or have you ever considered that Perfectionism is a form of addiction. That one fascinated and convicted me a little.

It’s a short book but every page is packed with revelations that help us untangle the complexity of who we are and who we were created to be. It would be a good gift for someone you know who loves to read and explore. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Dr. Brene Brown.

"Hold Me Tight" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 20 Nov 2024 18:13:32 GMT

“Hold me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson is one of your go-to books if you’re struggling in your marriage and you want a good read that is going to give you some deep yet practical work to help untangle the web of your fights. This book is NOT fluff.

Dr. Johnson is the pioneer of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) that so many couples therapists use in their offices.

This approach is centered around walking through several conversations to get the couple to recognize their negative cycles and then reconnect using attachment needs. Here are the 7 conversations.

1. Recognizing Demon Dialogues

2. Finding the Raw Spots

3. Revisiting a Rocky Moment

4. Hold Me Tight®

5. Forgiving Injuries

6. Bonding Through Sex and Touch

7. Keeping Your Love Alive

If you nerd out of learning about this stuff like me and you want some material to chew on and maybe understand why your marriage tends to go through the same cycles then grab this one. “Hold me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

One more thing: “Hold me Tight” is a secular book but Dr. Johnson released a Christian version of the same book called “Created for Connection.” It is nearly identical with ties to scripture for the Christian couple who likes a biblical take on getting help for a marriage.

"Becoming an Adult" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 11 Nov 2024 18:11:36 GMT

Here’s another Dr. Henry Cloud book for you. “Becoming an Adult.” Dr. Cloud begins with some psychology on growth and maturity and why we do what we do. He then dives into the theology of what it means to live out our purpose in life as someone of the Christian faith.

Spoiler Alert: Living out your purpose doesn’t mean living in your childhood bedroom and playing video games at 29 years old.

Dr. Cloud talks about issues involving authority, separating from childhood, owning your own beliefs, decision making, and even self-discipline.

As always, his books are full of anecdotes to keep you interested and the other good thing about this book? It’s length. It’s short and easy to read…for that son or daughter who is struggling to thrive right now. It’s only 200 pages.

If you or someone you know is wrestling with adulthood or lack thereof then give it a listen or a read. It might not just give you information (something we have no lack of these days). It may give you inspiration to get up and get started on the life God has planned for you.

“Becoming an Adult” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

60 Second Marriage Recap - Judgement vs Acceptance

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 08 Nov 2024 06:00:00 GMT

12. Judgement vs Acceptance

I had to go to court last week. (Maybe I should mention that I wasn’t the one in trouble.) No one was there because they wanted to be. We were there because something bad had happened.

There’s that tension where we know that eventually the judge is going to seal our fate and past judgement. GUILTY!

In your marriage, have you created an atmosphere in which you are passing JUDGEMENT or one of ACCEPTANCE?

Judgement creates fear and distrust. Judgement will push them further away.

Acceptance creates vulnerability and safety. Acceptance draws people nearer.

3 Ways to Increase Acceptance:

1. Celebrate Differences

Embrace and appreciate the differences between you and your partner. Instead of focusing on how you’re different or how you clash, highlight and celebrate these differences as strengths.

2. Respect Boundaries

Understanding and respecting these boundaries helps to build trust and shows that you value each other's autonomy and individuality.

3. Practice Forgiveness

Acknowledging mistakes, both yours and your partner’s, can create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves without fear of harsh judgment.

Go Time:

The Verdict: “We the jury find this marriage…..” How would you and your partner answer that question? Guilty/Not guilty? Depending on how you answered, it might be time to have a conversation about what to do next.

Help Heal My Marriage - 12. Judgement vs Acceptance

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 05 Nov 2024 06:00:00 GMT

12. Judgement vs Acceptance

I had to go to court last week. (Maybe I should mention that I wasn’t the one in trouble.) No one was there because they wanted to be. We were there because something bad had happened.

There’s that tension where we know that eventually the judge is going to seal our fate and past judgement. GUILTY!

In your marriage, have you created an atmosphere in which you are passing JUDGEMENT or one of ACCEPTANCE?

Judgement creates fear and distrust. Judgement will push them further away.

Acceptance creates vulnerability and safety. Acceptance draws people nearer.

3 Ways to Increase Acceptance:

1. Celebrate Differences

Embrace and appreciate the differences between you and your partner. Instead of focusing on how you’re different or how you clash, highlight and celebrate these differences as strengths.

2. Respect Boundaries

Understanding and respecting these boundaries helps to build trust and shows that you value each other's autonomy and individuality.

3. Practice Forgiveness

Acknowledging mistakes, both yours and your partner’s, can create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves without fear of harsh judgment.

Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - Christian Expectations in Marriage

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 05:00:00 GMT

11. Christian Expectations in Marriage

I read a delightfully painful book a few years ago by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage.”

It made me do some real soul searching. His idea is that maybe God created marriage NOT to make us HAPPY all the time, but to make us more HOLY, to make us more like Him.

In my relationship with God, I often don’t communicate with Him very well, I get mad at Him when He doesn’t do what I want, I cheat on Him with things that I deem more worthy of my attention, and then I come crawling back when those things don’t fulfill me.

What if your marriage was like that? Would you stick with it?

God’s idea for Christian marriage is that we can practice, in just a tiny way, the love He has given us. His challenge is thus: “Daniel, do you see how I respond to you when you aren’t a great bride in our relationship? I still love you anyway don’t I? Now go and do that with your wife.”

Go Time:

No steps this time. This is more about a change in posture or philosophy. Lean into your spouse with grace and humility not with pridefulness and judgement. What if you loved them in spite of those little flaws that drive you nuts, recognizing that you have some of your own? See why reading that book stung a little?

"Why I Believe" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 31 Oct 2024 17:50:41 GMT

“Why I Believe” by Dr. Henry Cloud is a good read especially if you like Dr. Cloud’s other work. He’s cowritten several of my favorite books “Boundaries” and “Safe People” with Dr. John Townsend, and “Necessary Endings” on his own.

This book is a lot different than his others. Dr. Cloud has never hidden from the fact that his teaching and writing is rooted in his Christian faith but this book goes straight to that point. The book is part memoir and part testimony. It’s part inspiring and part challenging. It includes personal experience and deep theology that is taught in simple ways that Dr. Cloud is a master at.

He takes us through his personal story of faith; how God took his plans and molded them into plans with more eternal purposes. He shares vulnerable moments of hopelessness, depression, feeling lost, and times where words just can match what he was feeling. He describes miracles that occurred and times where God seemed silent.

If you’ve ever wondered if God was real. If you ever felt like the mountain in front of you was insurmountable. If you don’t believe in God and you want an approachable book that describes one man’s take on his own faith journey. If you just like hearing faith journeys and stories about how people became who they are. You’ll love this read. “Why I Believe” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Help Heal My Marriage - 11. Christian Expectations in Marriage

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 29 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

11. Christian Expectations in Marriage

I read a delightfully painful book a few years ago by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage.”

It made me do some real soul searching. His idea is that maybe God created marriage NOT to make us HAPPY all the time, but to make us more HOLY, to make us more like Him.

What if your marriage was like that? Would you stick with it?

Go Time:

60 Second Marriage Recap - Friends or Foes?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 25 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

10. Friends or Foes?

Marriages often implode when the hopeful belief we’ve always had about our marriage is unexpectedly exchanged for a contradictory fearful or hopeless belief.

You married your spouse because they seemed different than all the other people you had dated. They are “the one!” You knew that if you could spend the rest of your life with them then they’d have your back and you’d always have a safe place to come back to.

Suddenly, a financial deception, an affair, or an exposed secret rocks your world. Your spouse goes from your greatest ally and protector to your most feared adversary and enemy.

CONFUSION!

3 Ways to Turn Foe Back to Friend:

1. Reminisce

Retell your spouse the story of how you met and why you picked them from your perspective. Those were better days and remembering the good can help us get through the bad.

2. Responsibility

Take responsibility for how you’ve not been a trustworthy friend to your spouse. Tell your spouse how you’ve messed up and let them know that you get how your mistake made them doubt your safety.

3. Request

Ask your spouse if they are willing to let you slowly rebuild trust again. Ask them what types of things they would need to see to begin to be able to trust you again.

Go Time:

Sit down with your spouse tonight and have fun retelling the story of how you met and your first date.

Help Heal My Marriage - 10. Friends or Foes?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 22 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

10. Friends or Foes?

Marriages often implode when the hopeful belief we’ve always had about our marriage is unexpectedly exchanged for a contradictory fearful or hopeless belief.

Suddenly, a financial deception, an affair, or an exposed secret rocks your world. Your spouse goes from your greatest ally and protector to your most feared adversary and enemy.

CONFUSION!

3 Ways to Turn Foe Back to Friend:

1. Reminisce

Retell your spouse the story of how you met and why you picked them from your perspective. Those were better days and remembering the good can help us get through the bad.

2. Responsibility

Take responsibility for how you’ve not been a trustworthy friend to your spouse. Tell your spouse how you’ve messed up and let them know that you get how your mistake made them doubt your safety.

3. Request

Ask your spouse if they are willing to let you slowly rebuild trust again. Ask them what types of things they would need to see to begin to be able to trust you again.

Go Time:

Sit down with your spouse tonight and have fun retelling the story of how you met and your first date.

60 Second Marriage Recap - Walls and Windows

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 18 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

9. Walls and Windows

In their book Not “Just Friends,” Glass and Staeheli talk about the concept of “Walls and Windows” in a marriage.

Picture a house with strong exterior walls to keep out invaders. That house is the marriage. Inside of that house each spouse has a separate room. Their room is their life and self-identity. Now picture a big window between the two spouses’ rooms. This is the healthy connection between the two where love and connection flow freely back and forth.

Now picture a struggling marriage where both spouses exchange their window for a wall between the two of them. Then picture one or both spouses putting in a window in the exterior wall where they can begin to exchange love and connection freely with others on the outside.

This is how marriages begin to erode and affairs can even begin.

3 Ways to Protect Your Walls and Windows:

1. Boundaries

Have a conversation with your spouse about what types of behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable within your relationship to protect it. For instance, “A husband might say that he feels uncomfortable with either of them having a casual 1-on-1 lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex. Keep the outside walls solid.

2. Vulnerability

If you’re struggling with beliefs, feelings, or behaviors you must let that information flow freely through the window to your spouse. They can’t know and change what you refuse to share. Keep the window clear and open.

3. Awareness

Regularly check on the window. Ask one another: “Do you feel like you can come to me with things? Are you feeling fulfilled with me?”

Regularly check on the walls. Ask one another: “Are there any concerns you see in us lately that has weakened our walls? What outside forces are pressing in on us and trying to knock us down?”

Go Time:

Discuss this windows and walls concept from Glass and Staeheli together and think about how it may or may not apply to your marriage.

Help Heal My Marriage - 9. Walls and Windows

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 15 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

9. Walls and Windows

In their book Not “Just Friends,” Glass and Staeheli talk about the concept of “Walls and Windows” in a marriage.

This is how marriages begin to erode and affairs can even begin.

3 Ways to Protect Your Walls and Windows:

1. Boundaries

2. Vulnerability

3. Awareness

Regularly check on the window. Ask one another: “Do you feel like you can come to me with things? Are you feeling fulfilled with me?”

Regularly check on the walls. Ask one another: “Are there any concerns you see in us lately that has weakened our walls? What outside forces are pressing in on us and trying to knock us down?”

Go Time:

Discuss this windows and walls concept from Glass and Staeheli together and think about how it may or may not apply to your marriage.

60 Second Marriage Recap - Eliminate Criticism

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 11 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

8. Eliminate Criticism

I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage.

Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near.

*See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this.

Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements.

Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism:

1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman

Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests.

2. Focus on the positive

Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives.

3. Use “I” statements

Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.”

Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better.

It’s Go Time:

Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on.

"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey is one of those classic must read self-help books. It’s a book about how to win at work and at life.

Covey’s main idea in the book is that to change our lives, we must first change ourselves. To change ourselves, we must change the way we look at the world and others, a perspective shift.

The 7 habits are mostly common sense, but as we all see out in the world everyday, common sense isn’t very common anymore is it?

With our devices and deadlines vying for more of our attention, self-discipline seems to have all but disappeared. Covey challenges us to take back control of our noisy world around us and be more of a proactive thinker than a reactive responder.

How to manage our priorities, negotiate, make the most of the time we have, listen well, and take care of ourselves seem like age old principles, yet none of us seem to have perfected them yet.

So, go grab this one. If you’re a business leader, employee, or just a person who interacts with other people, you’ll find practical tips for a better life in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey.

Help Heal My Marriage - 8. Eliminate Criticism

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 08 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

8. Eliminate Criticism

I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage.

Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near.

*See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this.

Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements.

Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism:

1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman

Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests.

2. Focus on the positive

Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives.

3. Use “I” statements

Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.”

Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better.

It’s Go Time:

Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on.

60 Second Marriage Recap - Reestablish Safety

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 04 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

7. Reestablish Safety

One of the most pivotal steps to healing a struggling marriage is reestablishing safety. When I say “safety” I typically mean emotional safety. If you’re hitting and throwing things at one another then we have bigger problems to address.

Emotional safety lets us both let down our guards and become our real selves again. Without emotional safety, we can’t have healing conversations because we’re still having survival conversations.

The challenge is you may be the one who should act first. If you become safe for your spouse they may slowly begin to let down their guard as well.

Here are 3 ways to show your spouse that you are safe:

1. Validation

Find a point in your spouse’s argument that you can agree with and tell them that. Let them know that you see their point on that part of the argument.

2. Transparency

Be open and honest. Go first in showing them the evidence they’re asking for. Go above and beyond to let them see all your cards in the argument.

3. Consistency

Keeping a small promise creates emotional safety because your spouse will begin to be able to count on you again. Small things grow into bigger things, good and bad.

It’s Go Time:

In your latest “spirited discussion” what is a point that you partner was trying to make that you can go to them and tell them you agree on? It’s a start!

"When to Walk Away" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 02 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

“When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People” by Gary Thomas is a book for those who subscribe to the Christian faith and want some good pastoral biblical advice about dealing with those nutty people out there who can’t seem to respect boundaries.

Thomas tells story after story that will normalize a lot of the things you feel in some of your relationships. Sometimes toxic people can be so difficult they begin to make us wonder if we’re going crazy. You’ll hear some stories in this book and think, “Whew, I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way.”

A big premise of the book is helping us find peace in letting go of toxic people and walking away. This doesn’t make us quitters. This doesn’t mean we hate the person who we walk away from. This means that we begin to see the immense value of our own time, energy and efforts, and we make the decision to pivot and pour ourselves into people who do want to connect, engage, and build us up as we in turn, build them up.

Whether you have a difficult spouse, coworker, sibling, child, or friend, you’re going to get sound biblical and practical advice from Gary Thomas in his book “When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People.”

Help Heal My Marriage - 7. Reestablish Safety

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 01 Oct 2024 05:00:00 GMT

7. Reestablish Safety

The challenge is you may be the one who should act first. If you become safe for your spouse they may slowly begin to let down their guard as well.

Here are 3 ways to show your spouse that you are safe:

1. Validation

Find a point in your spouse’s argument that you can agree with and tell them that. Let them know that you see their point on that part of the argument.

2. Transparency

Be open and honest. Go first in showing them the evidence they’re asking for. Go above and beyond to let them see all your cards in the argument.

3. Consistency

Keeping a small promise creates emotional safety because your spouse will begin to be able to count on you again. Small things grow into bigger things, good and bad.

It’s Go Time:

In your latest “spirited discussion” what is a point that you partner was trying to make that you can go to them and tell them you agree on? It’s a start!

"The Mountain is You" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 25 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

“The Mountain is You” by Brianna Wiest is a solid self-help book. Its premise is that the biggest problem you have is YOU.

Underline the word SELF in self-help.

There’s a lot of truth to this. I find our culture to be increasingly victim oriented. You know…It’s “the man” keeping me down. It’s my childhood and bad parents that hold me back. It’s old trauma that keeps me from being free.

While these things may be true, the greater truth is that YOU are the one who must overcome them. No one else (on this side of heaven) is going to come rescue you from your hurt. No one else can make you heal.

Unfortunately, that means we often end up in a cycle that keeps us frozen and we make the same self-sabotaging mistakes over and over. We choose the same toxic relationships. We stay in a miserable job with an abusive boss. We get angry instead of getting active.

If you want to discover where the problems lie in your life, create a plan of action, and take that first step, check out “The Mountain is You” by Brianna Wiest.

(As a final shameless plug, I could see how this book could be incredibly valuable as resource to use alongside talking with a therapist. Read a chapter, ponder it, journal on it, then go discuss with your therapist. Rinse and Repeat.)

Help Heal My Marriage - 6. Stop Giving Them Ammo to Shoot You

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

6. Don’t Give Them Ammo to Shoot You

One of the most satisfying things in a fight is when we get to call someone out for something they actually did! Don’t give them that power over you. “Haha! I knew it! Justice has been served!”

Maybe I’m operating with ulterior motives, but one reason for doing your part right in a relationship that is it gives the other person less ammo to use against you.

An innocent man has less to be worried about in a courtroom.

When my dog was “innocently” standing next to a plate that seconds earlier had 5 pork chops on it, she just incriminated herself. Guilty!

1. Emotional Self Control

The person in the conversation that can stay the most logical and self-controlled usually ends up having more ability to steer the conversation.

2. Act Righteously

Act in a way that is morally and ethically right or good. The Golden Rule, treating others the way we want to be treated, also applies.

3. Radical Honesty

Be completely upfront about your shortcomings and struggles. If you say them out loud then the other person can’t say them out loud at you. Tell them where you’re falling short and that you want to get better. Just like that, the ammo becomes a dud.

It’s Go Time:

Answer this: “Where am I making things harder for myself in my marriage than it has to be?”

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Untangled" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Wed, 18 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

“Untangled” by Dr. Lisa Damour is the best book I’ve ever read about raising girls. Fun fact: Dr. Damour recently did some consulting work for Pixar’s “Inside Out 2” movie.

If you have a daughter, granddaughter, work with girls in education or medicine, or just want to understand human development better, then this book is a must read.

It’s practical and informative, giving case studies that I suspect all parents of girls will read and then immediately nod as if to say: “Yup, that just about nails it!”

She tackles the follow topics:

1. Moving from childhood into adolescence

2. Building healthy friendships

3. Learning to deal with emotions

5. Beginning to challenge authority

6. Planning for their future

7. Entering the world of romance and dating

8. Learning how to take care of themselves

One of the most helpful sections in each chapter is when Dr. Damour spells out what is normal and when you should begin to worry about what is not normal behavior in girls. I bet every mom or dad has wondered about those questions.

So if you’re stumped or you’re just beginning to raise a young lady and are looking for a good guide then this is your book. “Untangled” by Dr. Lisa Damour.

Help Heal My Marriage! - 5. Learn to Communicate Again

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 17 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

5. Learn to Communicate Again

To communicate we must first feel safe. To be safety, we must know what the ground rules are and respect them.

Communication is a two-way street. It involves being a good talker and a good listener. Gary Brainerd, PhD calls these two roles the “Sender” and the “Receiver.”

Most of our communication mishaps involve when we’re both trying to Send at the same time or when someone shuts down out of pridefulness and refuses to Receive anymore.

3 Ways to Learn to Communicate Again:

1. Ask, Don’t Demand, Time for Conversations

Both people must be ready to Send and Receive. Asking for a conversation allows the other person to decline if they aren’t in a good headspace right now.

2. A Topic, Time, and Place

Tell your spouse what you’d like to address and stick to that topic. Set the time for the conversation in the future to give you both adequate time to mentally prepare. Talk in an uninterrupted place with no phones or TV on so you can focus.

3. Set a Time Limit

There is often one spouse that likes talking and one that doesn’t. Setting a reasonable time limit (and sticking to it) helps avoid one spouse feeling overwhelmed and the other spouse from rambling for hours on end.

It’s Go Time:

Send me an email at the address below and I will respond with a 1 page pdf of 13 Healthy Communication Guidelines.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Recap - Learn to Communicate Again

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 16 Sep 2024 21:45:24 GMT

5. Learn to Communicate Again

To communicate we must first feel safe. To be safety, we must know what the ground rules are and respect them.

Communication is a two-way street. It involves being a good talker and a good listener. Gary Brainerd, PhD calls these two roles the “Sender” and the “Receiver.”

Most of our communication mishaps involve when we’re both trying to Send at the same time or when someone shuts down out of pridefulness and refuses to Receive anymore.

3 Ways to Learn to Communicate Again:

1. Ask, Don’t Demand, Time for Conversations

Both people must be ready to Send and Receive. Asking for a conversation allows the other person to decline if they aren’t in a good headspace right now.

2. A Topic, Time, and Place

Tell your spouse what you’d like to address and stick to that topic. Set the time for the conversation in the future to give you both adequate time to mentally prepare. Talk in an uninterrupted place with no phones or TV on so you can focus.

3. Set a Time Limit

There is often one spouse that likes talking and one that doesn’t. Setting a reasonable time limit (and sticking to it) helps avoid one spouse feeling overwhelmed and the other spouse from rambling for hours on end.

It’s Go Time:

Send me an email at the address below and I will respond with a 1 page pdf of 13 Healthy Communication Guidelines.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Recap - Keep it Positive

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

4. Keep it Positive

If someone said 99 good things to me and 1 critical thing, I would obsess about that critical thing all day.

We are wired to look for the threat, the problem, the negative. It’s part of our survival instinct.

The problem is that the world constantly throws negativity at us too. Bosses, social media, and even our kids are telling us things we are screwing up.

Negativity hurts, especially from the person who should be our biggest cheerleader, our spouse.

That’s why we must try to keep it POSITIVE.

Sometimes we need to correct, but our communications should be far more weighted toward the positive than the negative.

Try a ratio of 5 positives for every 1 negative

3 Ways to Keep it Positive:

1. Gratitude

Keep a gratitude journal about your spouse and write down the things you like most about them. If your spouse was a terrible person, you never would have said “I do.” Recall all those things you admire about them.

2. Catch Them Winning

Notice your spouse doing something that pleases you and point out that they did a good job. We often notice good things but never say them aloud. Make it a habit of speaking it when you see it.

3. Manners

Say “Please” and “Thank you.” You’d be amazed at how this common courtesy can diffuse a tense household.

It’s Go Time:

Secretly, for one week write down 3 different things each day you saw your spouse doing well. At the end of the week read them all 21 things. Watch them smile!

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

Help Heal My Marriage! - 4. Keep It Positive

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 10 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

4. Keep it Positive

If someone said 99 good things to me and 1 critical thing, I would obsess about that critical thing all day.

We are wired to look for the threat, the problem, the negative. It’s part of our survival instinct.

The problem is that the world constantly throws negativity at us too. Bosses, social media, and even our kids are telling us things we are screwing up.

Negativity hurts, especially from the person who should be our biggest cheerleader, our spouse.

That’s why we must try to keep it POSITIVE.

Sometimes we need to correct, but our communications should be far more weighted toward the positive than the negative.

Try a ratio of 5 positives for every 1 negative

3 Ways to Keep it Positive:

1. Gratitude

Keep a gratitude journal about your spouse and write down the things you like most about them. If your spouse was a terrible person, you never would have said “I do.” Recall all those things you admire about them.

2. Catch Them Winning

Notice your spouse doing something that pleases you and point out that they did a good job. We often notice good things but never say them aloud. Make it a habit of speaking it when you see it.

3. Manners

Say “Please” and “Thank you.” You’d be amazed at how this common courtesy can diffuse a tense household.

It’s Go Time:

Secretly, for one week write down 3 different things each day you saw your spouse doing well. At the end of the week read them all 21 things. Watch them smile!

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Recap - Quick to Listen...Slow to Anger

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 06 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

3. Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, Slow to Anger

In the Bible, James writes, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19 NIV)

Saying more words…repeatedly…louder is not going to change your spouse’s mind or heal your marriage.

Your spouse may not be fighting to win, but just to feel heard. Have you really listened to him and heard where he is coming from on this issue?

3 Ways to Listen and Temper Your Anger:

1. Call a Timeout

If the conversation is so heated that we can’t keep talking, ask for a timeout. Then state a time that we will get back together and continue the conversation.

2. Prepare to Listen

Come to the conversation mentally prepared to listen. Bring a notebook and a pen. Tell your wife that you want to hear what is hurting her and are going to jot down some notes. If she says critical things, write them down. Repeat back what you wrote down. Thank her for sharing honestly and that you’d like to think on it before responding. No defending here, only genuinely listening.

3. Talk Back…Sort of

Talk to your close trusted person or counselor and read them the things your spouse is asking for. Ask the hard questions, “What parts of this do I agree with?” “What parts of this am I willing to compromise on?”

It’s Go Time:

Get your mind in listening mode and ready to take some punches. Stay emotionally controlled but be prepared for the hits. This is going to give you a leap forward in healing your marriage. How? Because your spouse will begin to feel heard.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

Help Heal My Marriage! - 3. Quick to Listen...Slow to Anger

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 03 Sep 2024 05:00:00 GMT

3. Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, Slow to Anger

In the Bible, James writes, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19 NIV)

Saying more words…repeatedly…louder is not going to change your spouse’s mind or heal your marriage.

Your spouse may not be fighting to win, but just to feel heard. Have you really listened to him and heard where he is coming from on this issue?

3 Ways to Listen and Temper Your Anger:

1. Call a Timeout

If the conversation is so heated that we can’t keep talking, ask for a timeout. Then state a time that we will get back together and continue the conversation.

2. Prepare to Listen

Come to the conversation mentally prepared to listen. Bring a notebook and a pen. Tell your wife that you want to hear what is hurting her and are going to jot down some notes. If she says critical things, write them down. Repeat back what you wrote down. Thank her for sharing honestly and that you’d like to think on it before responding. No defending here, only genuinely listening.

3. Talk Back…Sort of

Talk to your close trusted person or counselor and read them the things your spouse is asking for. Ask the hard questions, “What parts of this do I agree with?” “What parts of this am I willing to compromise on?”

It’s Go Time:

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Recap - Fix Me First

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 30 Aug 2024 18:45:00 GMT

2. Fix Me First

“It’s all his fault that we are…”

“If she would just stop….then…”

These are the most unproductive conversations I hear from couples. They are defensive conversations between two adversaries.

Dr. John Gottman said that “Defensiveness” is a sign that a marriage is in trouble. He says the antidote to defensiveness is “Taking responsibility.”

(“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” – Gottman 1999)

If pridefulness is the #1 killer of marriage, then humility might be the thing that saves yours.

Everyone has negative contributions that they’ve made to the relationship whether intentionally or not. Fix yourself first.

3 Ways to “Fix Me First”:

1. Diffuse the bomb

If you are so hurt that just the sight of your spouse makes you want to throw down, you need to go calm down. Go for a walk/run/hike. Vent to a friend. Fix your volatile emotions before proceeding.

2. Administer First Aid

Go talk to a counselor who can help you address your side of the hurt. You getting help from an unbiased person might be the 1st step in healing your marriage.

3. Do heart surgery

Ask yourself the deep questions, “What am I negatively contributing to this problem?” “What is she telling me that could be right?” “Why is this issue so important to me and is it worth it?”

It’s Go Time:

Which one of the above are you ready to commit to? #1, #2, or #3? Go do that one today.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

"One Question" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 29 Aug 2024 01:00:00 GMT

“One Question” by Ken Coleman is an intriguing book for several reasons.

One is that it is packed with practical wisdom from some of the most influential leaders in our world today. Ken asks each of these people one pivotal question in his compelling interview style.

Another is that is it is actionable. The chapters are short and concise with stories and tidbits that you can go out and begin using today in your life and business.

I had enough theoretical nonsense when I was in college so now I look for reads that I can sink my teeth into and that will improve how I live and think daily.

This book does just that. From topics such as Opportunity, Rejection, Legacy, and Reinvention you’ll be inspired by notable names in our world and what they’ve learned.

Charlie “Tremendous” Jones is known for saying that 5 years from now, you’ll be the same person you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.

This book lets you briefly meet 36 different people and learn something from each of them. I recommend you grab a copy and begin picking through the wisdom of “One Question” by Ken Coleman.

Help Heal My Marriage - 2. Fix Me First

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 05:00:00 GMT

2. Fix Me First

“It’s all his fault that we are…”

“If she would just stop….then…”

These are the most unproductive conversations I hear from couples. They are defensive conversations between two adversaries.

Dr. John Gottman said that “Defensiveness” is a sign that a marriage is in trouble. He says the antidote to defensiveness is “Taking responsibility.”

(“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” – Gottman 1999)

If pridefulness is the #1 killer of marriage, then humility might be the thing that saves yours.

Everyone has negative contributions that they’ve made to the relationship whether intentionally or not. Fix yourself first.

3 Ways to “Fix Me First”:

1. Diffuse the bomb

If you are so hurt that just the sight of your spouse makes you want to throw down, you need to go calm down. Go for a walk/run/hike. Vent to a friend. Fix your volatile emotions before proceeding.

2. Administer First Aid

Go talk to a counselor who can help you address your side of the hurt. You getting help from an unbiased person might be the 1st step in healing your marriage.

3. Do heart surgery

Ask yourself the deep questions, “What am I negatively contributing to this problem?” “What is she telling me that could be right?” “Why is this issue so important to me and is it worth it?”

It’s Go Time:

Which one of the above are you ready to commit to? #1, #2, or #3? Go do that one today.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Recap - Control the Chaos

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 23 Aug 2024 05:00:00 GMT

1. Control the Chaos

Whether it’s a health crisis, infidelity, or a season of disconnection, at some point you are going to hit a rough patch in your marriage where you begin to question everything.

Your marriage is spiraling. Your spouse is spiraling. Your mind is spiraling.

Everything seems like complete chaos.

The first thing you must do is CONTROL THE CHAOS.

We CANNOT control other people, especially our spouse. We CAN control the chaos inside of ourselves so that we can manage to fight for our marriage another day.

3 Steps to Controlling the Chaos:

1. Recognize that you are loved

The love in your marriage may be struggling but you are going to be ok. You have close trusted people in your life that love you and will support, encourage and walk with you through this.

2. Say it out loud

Go to one of those close trusted people that love you and say the crazy thoughts in your head out loud. When chaotic thoughts are trapped in our heads, they only breed more chaos. Saying it out loud creates clarity.

3. No sudden movements

Avoid quick desperate attempts (or threats) at convincing your spouse to recommit. “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and it’s going to take some time for you to rebuild your marriage.

It’s Go Time:

Write down the names of 3 people that are your close trusted people. Which one of them are you most likely to call (Yes call, not text)? Call them!

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

60 Second Marriage Recap - Don't Give Them Ammo to Shoot You

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 15 Aug 2024 18:45:30 GMT

6. Don’t Give Them Ammo to Shoot You

One of the most satisfying things in a fight is when we get to call someone out for something they actually did! Don’t give them that power over you. “Haha! I knew it! Justice has been served!”

Maybe I’m operating with ulterior motives, but one reason for doing your part right in a relationship that is it gives the other person less ammo to use against you.

An innocent man has less to be worried about in a courtroom.

When my dog was “innocently” standing next to a plate that seconds earlier had 5 pork chops on it, she just incriminated herself. Guilty!

1. Emotional Self Control

The person in the conversation that can stay the most logical and self-controlled usually ends up having more ability to steer the conversation.

2. Act Righteously

Act in a way that is morally and ethically right or good. The Golden Rule, treating others the way we want to be treated, also applies.

3. Radical Honesty

Be completely upfront about your shortcomings and struggles. If you say them out loud then the other person can’t say them out loud at you. Tell them where you’re falling short and that you want to get better. Just like that, the ammo becomes a dud.

It’s Go Time:

Answer this: “Where am I making things harder for myself in my marriage than it has to be?”

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

Help Heal My Marriage! - 1. Control the Chaos

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 15 Aug 2024 16:52:34 GMT

1. Control the Chaos

Whether it’s a health crisis, infidelity, or a season of disconnection, at some point you are going to hit a rough patch in your marriage where you begin to question everything.

Your marriage is spiraling. Your spouse is spiraling. Your mind is spiraling.

Everything seems like complete chaos.

The first thing you must do is CONTROL THE CHAOS.

We CANNOT control other people, especially our spouse. We CAN control the chaos inside of ourselves so that we can manage to fight for our marriage another day.

3 Steps to Controlling the Chaos:

1. Recognize that you are loved

The love in your marriage may be struggling but you are going to be ok. You have close trusted people in your life that love you and will support, encourage and walk with you through this.

2. Say it out loud

Go to one of those close trusted people that love you and say the crazy thoughts in your head out loud. When chaotic thoughts are trapped in our heads, they only breed more chaos. Saying it out loud creates clarity.

3. No sudden movements

Avoid quick desperate attempts (or threats) at convincing your spouse to recommit. “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and it’s going to take some time for you to rebuild your marriage.

It’s Go Time:

Write down the names of 3 people that are your close trusted people. Which one of them are you most likely to call (Yes call, not text)? Call them!

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

"Prisoner of Another War" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 15 Aug 2024 01:00:00 GMT

“Prisoner of Another War” by Marilyn Murray is a heartbreaking and hope-filled book all at the same time. Murray is a trauma expert in the mental health field having overcome her own trauma after decades of wrestling with it.

This is her own personal story, a memoir that shows her depths of despair and her rise out of the ashes. She was able to overcome her past abuse and, out of it, develop her own theory for helping others heal.

It’s a vulnerable story that shows how deeply our hurt and despair can affect us mentally, physically, and spiritually when it is tucked away hidden. It is hope-filled in showing how courage and hard work in walking through our hurt and opening it up can be life giving and inspiring to ourselves and others.

What if we all had the courage to face our hurts and then let God use that hurt and healing to help others? That is the message I got from this incredible story. I say it all the time, but the thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone. Marilyn Murray’s story has surely given countless others the permission and strength to face their own pasts and to find healing in “Prisoner of Another War.”

"The Courage to be Disliked" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 08 Aug 2024 01:00:00 GMT

“The Courage to be Disliked” by Kishimi and Koga is a great read if you want to go deeper. This isn’t going to be your best bet for a light read on the beach, but if you’re contemplating life and why you do the things you do, then go grab this today.

The structure is fun and of a know-it-all youth sitting down with a wise old philosopher and having conversations over 5 nights.

Through this dialogue, the authors touch on the teachings of Socrates, Plato, and more modernly Alfred Adler the famous psychological theorist.

If you’re tired of people pleasing, tired of feeling like a fraud, or living your life for everyone else then you’d get some good stuff out of this book. It might make you mad in parts because the authors brilliantly confront common human excuses and turn them on us suggesting that we often make bad hurtful choices because deep down we benefit from them.

If you’re bored with the shallow “give yourself a huge” and “puppies and sunshine” self help books and really want to scratch your head and dig then go grab “The Courage to be Disliked” by Kishimi and Koga.

"The Voice of the Heart" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 17:41:37 GMT

“The Voice of the Heart” by Chip Dodd is a book for those who want to go deeper into knowing themselves and how God wired our hearts to feel.

Chip paints a beautiful picture showing how all our feelings are good and God-given. We don’t like some of our emotions, but those tough emotions are pushing us toward something greater.

In a world where we want to distract away, medicate away, and avoid any discomfort, this book will challenge you to go beneath the surface and ask what you’re really yearning for.

If your wife finds that her feelings are jumbled and she can’t sort them out and communicate what she most desires then this is a great book for her.

If your husband struggles with empathy or how to recognize and name his feelings then this is a great book for him.

If you’re trying to find that missing thing in your life and you squirm trying to push those uncomfortable emotions down, then dig into “The Voice of the Heart” by Chip Dodd.

"Dopamine Nation" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 17:28:57 GMT

“Dopamine Nation” by Dr. Anna Lembke is worth looking into.

She digs into how we have become junkies for sex, food, information, prescriptions and how often the smartphone is the needle with which we inject our drug of choice.

We’re constantly searching for that next thing that is going to fulfill us.

I was fascinated by her discussion about how we all seek to avoid discomfort at all costs but in return for living lives of relative ease and affluence we sacrifice really living and feeling.

If you or someone you know is wrestling with the never ending quest for peace and fulfillment, this might be a good place to start learning about all of the things that you might be doing that are not working.

Slight warning: Some examples of cases she’s worked with can be extreme and a little shocking but we’re all adults here and can see ourselves somewhere in this on a spectrum.

“Dopamine Nation” by Dr. Anna Lembke

"Scarcity Brain" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 17:20:15 GMT

“Scarcity Brain” by Michael Easter is worth picking up. He wrote my absolute favorite book of 2023 “The Comfort Crisis” so I had to read this one.

My old pastor said that we’re constantly in pursuit of Bigger, Better, Newer, More

Do you ever wonder why you keep chasing things in life like the hamster on the wheel?

Like, why I keep overeating even though I know it’s a problem? Why can’t I stop looking at porn even though I feel ashamed? Why do I think a new car or phone or nick nack from Amazon is going to fulfill me but when I get it I still want more?

Easter answers the deep down question about why we do these things and gives us practical tools to make us more aware in the moment so we can reorient our mindsets. It’s a perfectly woven back and forth of expert interviews, personal adventures, and data to point us back in the right direction to find a more happy peaceful life with less craving.

“Scarcity Brain” by Michael Easter

"The Anxious Generation" Book Review

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 16:58:58 GMT

This is my book of the year. It's a must read for everyone, but in particular, parents. It's not a doom and gloom book about how the sky is falling, but a call to action to inform us of the poverbial "frog in the kettle" that we're all living in. It ends with practical, very doable, advice on how we can slowly back away from the snare we've found ourselves in.

10. Counseling 101 - How long or often will I need counseling?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 17 May 2024 00:00:00 GMT

Will I need counseling the rest of my life?

This is expensive, i'm not sure I can afford it long term!

How long does it take to get better when working with a counselor?

I'll tell you some basic guidelines on how counseling works and how long you may want to invest in counseling.

9. Counseling 101 - How can I make my spouse come for marriage counseling?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 10 May 2024 00:00:00 GMT

What if you KNOW your marriage is crumbling but your spouse won't come with you to counseling?

Here's an idea that I've seen work countless times.

8. Counseling 101 - Is in person or telehealth counseling better?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 03 May 2024 00:00:00 GMT

What's the best way to attend counseling?

I'll tell you my thoughts on in person versus telehealth counseling.

7. Counseling 101 - Should I use my insurance or pay cash for counseling?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 01:00:00 GMT

This is a hot topic right now in mental health. As insurance companies become more intrusive on your information and try to control your treatment, what option is best?

I'll give you some behind the scenes info to help you make an informed decision.

***Note, I slightly edited this video because I got a little fired up and called out some insurance companies. In an effort to not get sued, I cut those parts. Shoot me an email or give me a call if you want more inside info on how insurance companies reimburse therapists or how the self pay vs insurance game is played.

6. Counseling 101 - What will the first counseling session be like?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 19 Apr 2024 00:00:00 GMT

Fear of the unknown is something that trips a lot of us up. My greatest compliment is when someone leaves their first counseling appointment and says, "Wow, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!"

Today I'll tell you what you can expect from your first counseling appointment with me.

5. Counseling 101 - Is there a difference between counseling and therapy?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 11 Apr 2024 23:00:00 GMT

Is there a difference between counseling and therapy?

Does it even matter?

Here's my opinion.

What's yours?

4. Counseling 101 -What's the difference between all the different types of mental health providers?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Fri, 05 Apr 2024 02:00:00 GMT

Psychiatrists, Counselors, Psychologists, Social Worker, Pastoral Counselors, etc!

Who the heck are all these people and which ones can actually help me? I'll answer that today.

3. Counseling 101 - How do I find a good counselor?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 28 Mar 2024 20:00:00 GMT

There are some AMAZING counselors out there and there are some that SUCK! Don't go see a terrible counselor. Here's how to find the good ones!

2. Counseling 101 - When should I consider seeing a counselor?

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Mon, 18 Mar 2024 20:06:41 GMT

This is a big one. How do you know when you should just keep gritting your teeth and when you should go see a counselor?

You asked...I answered!

Send me your other questions and there will be more videos coming soon!

1. Counseling 101 - Introduction

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com (Daniel Crosby) — Thu, 14 Mar 2024 17:36:22 GMT

This is a new series answering some of your common questions about going to see a counselor.

Got a question that you want answered? Ask it and there might just be a video in the coming weeks about that topic.

**Some of these videos are a little longer because they're on topics that specific people wanted answered. Yep, I know this breaks the rules of our short attention span screen addicted brains. If the topic interests you then check it out!

The #1 Cure for Anxiety – Connection (90 Second Read)

Mon, 05 Feb 2024 18:43:08 GMT

Let’s wrap this up with some straightforward honesty.

The bad news is that it seems that our world continues to spiral. The anxiety instigating events surrounding us will increase in number and intensity.

In this fallen world we live in, we are going to have some tension. We are going to feel this friction that is wreaking havoc with our minds and bodies.

Unfortunately, the “cure” for anxiety isn’t going to be erasing or numbing our feelings altogether.

The “cure” for our anxiety is to find a way that we aren’t by ourselves in it anymore.

The “cure” is CONNECTION .

The “cure” is to have a friend to call when you’re at your worst moment and to be able to cry with them on the phone and they just listen.

The “cure” is to have a friend meet you for coffee when you get that diagnosis and let you say the worst-case-scenario out loud.

The “cure” is for someone to see the hurt in your eyes and give you a hug and let you know they’re going to be with you through this.

I don’t believe we were created to live solo separate lives from one another as if we were castaway on our own deserted island.

I believe we were created for connection, community, and collaboration.

I believe the distress I’ve been through can somehow help you find hope and that your hurts can be liberated into great purpose to help the next person.

This means putting down the phone, stopping scrolling, turning off Netflix, and exchanging that for a phone call with someone you love asking “How have you been” or saying, “I just need to vent.”

This means ending the political bantering, the race wars, and our personal offense of choice, and starting a conversation about things we all agree on like tacos.

If you find someone to connect with, pour into that relationship, and encourage one another, your anxiety will decrease.

The thing worse than hurting is hurting alone. Go seek CONNECTION .

Anxiety: Resiliency (90 Second Read)

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 15:59:21 GMT

Resiliency - the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. ( Oxford English Dictionary - 2023)

This life is brutal sometimes. We all have the scars, physically and emotionally, to prove it.

You have been through some awful stuff in your life, stuff that would give others nightmares.

Here are 3 things that are true:

1. People suck - They’ve hurt you, bullied you, made fun of you.

2. Life isn’t fair - You’ve been rejected, passed over, abandoned.

3. You’re hurting - You’ve wanted to give up, not wake up, just quit.

Here 1 BIGGER truth:

1. You are stronger than you think you are.

You may not feel this way, but the truth is that you have a 100% undefeated record.

Nothing that you have ever come up against in your life has defeated you because you’re still alive and kickin’.

So what?

If you’re still here, then that means you have a purpose. You have a job to do. The rest of us need you.

For me personally, my faith in Christ tells me that. God created me with intentionality and a plan in mind. I have a mission to accomplish. Whether you believe like I do or not, that’s still true for you.

We all must get back up and keep moving. Who knows, maybe the hurt you’re going through right now has great purpose in the future?

Rory Vaden said, “You are most powerfully positioned to serve the person you once were…Look back on who you were and help that person.”

Homework:

1. Consider how your current or past hurt could be used to help someone who is going through the same thing? How could you advocate for them? How can we help each other?

2. If you don’t know how to make sense out of this, find a good friend or a good counselor to help walk with you through it. There is purpose in the answer. Don’t try once and then give up.

Anxiety: Asking for Help! (90 Second Read)

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 20:11:25 GMT

One of the hardest things to do is admit that we’re struggling and that we need help.

Remember that mask that we’ve talked about in other articles? Asking for help requires that we voluntarily take our mask off and admit that we aren’t a superhero.

It’s vulnerable because it conveys weakness and need. It’s a confession that we don’t have it all together.

Human nature is bent toward autonomy and independence. Have you ever met a child who was learning to tie their shoes? When you are in a hurry and they are painfully, slowly, trying to tie them by themselves, you offer to help but are met with the screech, “No! I can do it myself!”

I say it all the time, “The thing that’s worse than hurting is hurting alone.”

Here are 2 reasons it’s important to ask for help:

1. Without asking for help, I cheat myself out of the valuable wisdom of others.

There is growth and humility in asking for help. I’m admitting that I don’t know everything. We’ve become less humble as a society. We prefer to Google our symptoms and treat ourselves rather than going to a Dr. and trusting their expertise. There is so much wisdom all around us so why wouldn’t we tap into that to achieve a better outcome?

2. Without asking for help, I cheat others out of the joy of helping.

Anytime I ask people what they’d love to do for a dream job they usually say, “I just want to do something that makes a difference and helps people.” We are helpers by nature. Maybe this is our “strength in numbers” tribal instinct. Whatever the case, rejecting someone’s ability to help weakens us and it weakens them. Everyone wants to contribute. Why not help someone else out by asking for help and letting them use their gifts?

Homework:

1. The next time you are frustrated, check yourself and ask if your stubbornness is keeping you from asking for help.

2. The next time you ask for help, consider the good feeling it gives the other person to help you.

Anxiety: Common Ground (90 Second Read)

Wed, 17 Jan 2024 14:56:48 GMT

One of the things about anxiety that connects us all is that it is universal. We’ve all felt it at some point. In fact, there’s probably a lot more that you have in common with others than you may realize.

My former pastor, Michael Easley, once said that there are 4 things that all people have in common:

1. Everyone is Insecure

Everyone is insecure about something. Think of the more gorgeous Instagram influencer you could ever imagine. She’s definitively insecure. Think about the biggest toughest NFL football player. Yep, he’s insecure too. We all hide behind our masks hoping that no one will root out our insecurity.

2. Everyone is Overwhelmed

No one has it all together. Life is hard and it beats you down. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be fooled into thinking you’re the only one. That person in the checkout line with you may have a smile on their face but you never know what they may be dealing with internally.

3. Everyone is Under-encouraged

In all my years of counseling people, no one has ever said, “Daniel, please stop encouraging me. I’ve had a little too much encouragement today.” Have you ever had that feeling when someone paid you a genuine compliment unexpectedly. Keep that in mind next time someone looks down.

4. Everyone Needs a Friend

No one is a one-man-army even though they may want you to think so. The most powerful think you can give someone is friendship. C.S. Lewis said, “Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”

HOMEWORK:

1. Remind yourself that you’re not alone in this. Everyone struggles with these things.

2. Considering sharing your struggles with another safe person who you know is struggling. “The thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone.”

Anxiety: Worst Case Scenario Thinking (90 Second Read)

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 20:40:05 GMT

If you met my wife, she would tell you that I can go to a “worst case scenario” mindset faster than anyone you’ve ever met.

Maybe I’m biased or just downright defensive, but the science agrees that our brains are wired for worst case scenario thinking. That’s how we’ve survived as a species for this long.

While analyzing risks is a good thing the fact that we are higher level thinkers demands that we take responsibility for balancing that survival skill with a more productive reality.

Here are 3 reasons we need to overcome our “worst case scenario” thinking:

1. Analysis Paralysis

When I spend too much time thinking “worst case scenario” I miss out on incredible opportunities. While I’m worrying, life is passing me by. Others reap the rewards all around me. I’m stuck in indecision.

Homework : Begin taking small, calculated risks to build up your risk tolerance muscles.

2. Self-fulfilling Prophecy

By thinking “worst case scenario” we can often sabotage ourselves into making mistakes. Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about.” If all you ever think about is negative, then negative will seem to be pervasive throughout your life.

Homework : Make yourself list the positive alternative alongside the worst-case outcome to create balance in your thinking.

3. Relationship Burnout

Worst case scenario thinkers can be exhausting. There’s a time and place for playing Devil’s Advocate, but if this is all someone is bringing to the table it becomes draining on a relationship and an organization.

Homework : Try to always come to the table with a solution to the Devil’s Advocate problem you’re presenting to the given situation.

“Comparison is the Thief of Joy” (90 Second Read)

Tue, 02 Jan 2024 16:49:18 GMT

Theodore Roosevelt said "Comparison is the thief of joy" and I think he was onto something that is deeply rooted in human nature.

Parallel to that, my former pastor, Michael Easley, said that we always seem to be in pursuit of BIGGER, BETTER, NEWER, MORE .

Two ways we compare and rob ourselves of joy:

1. Comparison to Others

When I compare myself to others then I am setting myself up for increased anxiety. I wrongly assume that we are both on the same path. No two people are exactly alike. We grew up differently and have different talents and abilities.

I once told my neighbor that I always admired him because he’s an expert with guns and has the training to defend himself and others in any possible environment. He laughed and said he had always admired that I could climb a ladder and walk around on my roof without having a panic attack.

2. Comparison to the Next Thing

When I compare myself to that elusive “next thing,” I quickly find that it keeps moving.

If I could make $40,000 then I’ll feel secure. Then I make $40,000 and realize that making $50,000 would make me feel a little more secure, and so on, and so on…

When I focus more on where I am and what I am currently grateful for, I find that the “next thing” isn’t as alluring.

HOMEWORK:

1. Who or what are you comparing yourself to that is robbing you of your joy?

2. Write down a list of 3 things each day for the next 5 days that you are grateful for.

Living by a Standard Will Lower Your Anxiety (2 Minute Read)

Thu, 21 Dec 2023 22:38:23 GMT

Have you ever considered what standards you live by? Sometimes they’re so obvious we don’t even think about them. They’re often automatic. Our standards play an important role in anxiety though.

Here are TWO things that cause our anxiety alarms to sound off:

1. When you don’t have a standard

When we don’t have a standard, we’re like a ship with a dead engine and no rudder. The current will take us anywhere it likes and we feel powerless. Powerlessness: That’ll create come anxiety, right? Increasingly in our world there is an absence of truth. When we don’t have a standard to live by then we don’t know how to react in certain scenarios.

Example: My standard: “Stealing is wrong. I do not steal.” When I’m at a friend’s house and they have a really nice blender sitting on their counter that I would love to have, I already have a preset decision in my mind. “I like their blender but it is theirs and not mine. If I want one, then I have to go get my own.” Easy decision!

Without a standard, though, the “What ifs” start spiraling in our head when we’re faced with a decision.

2. When you have a standard and ignore it

I had a person come into my office over 10 years ago. They were a ball of nerves like I’ve never seen before. Red faced, pressured speech, head lowered, grasping their hair with their hands, and literally wringing their hands. They were struggling! Then I heard the story. They were raised in a Christian home and went to church every week but they had been engaging in a secret illicit extramarital affair for over a year. The guilt and shame was deafening and they were falling apart. They 100% knew the right thing to do yet they were 100% doing the wrong thing. They had ignored their standard and it was tearing them to pieces.

HOMEWORK:

1. What are your top three standards or values that you refuse to budge on?

2. What are some important standards that you’ve tried to teach your kids?

3. Think of a time that you violated one of your standards. Did it stir up some anxiety?

4. What standards do you need to create and live by to lower some of your anxiety?

Add it In – The Law Of Addition in Lowering Your Anxiety (90 Second Read)

Tue, 05 Dec 2023 15:13:43 GMT

The LAW OF ADDITION is strategically adding something into our lives because the addition is going to make us more Resilient , Clear , Accountable , and Healthy .

RESILIENT

Adding like-minded information to your life can help you bounce back from a bad anxiety day. If you’re a mom in the toddler phase, add a podcast where other moms who have been there can validate you and remind you that you aren’t alone. Maybe adding a daily spiritual routine to your spiritual life like scripture reading or prayer can help you rebound from the world when it beats you up and stresses you out.

CLEAR

Adding more time outdoors in the woods helped me clear my mind these last few months. Adding a shared calendar on our phones helped my wife and I communicate better. While these are different forms of clarity, they’ve lowered my anxiety because I added these things to help make my life simpler.

ACCOUNTABLE

I say it all the time: The thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone. If we add safe connections and friends to bounce our worries and fears off, oftentimes they begin to decrease. It’s also good to let that friend challenge us with our fears when they're unreasonable and bring us back to reality.

HEALTHY

What about your physical health? Adding exercise to your daily routine is going to take valuable time but the benefits far outweigh the costs. By adding exercise, your anxiety will go down. Adding weekly meal prepping will lower anxiety when trying to decide what to have for lunch each day during the week.

HOMEWORK :

Where are the deficits in your life where adding something might help you keep the anxiety at a distance? Try adding one of those things for the next 7 days and see if your anxiety decreases.

Cut it Out – The Law of Subtraction in Lowering Your Anxiety (90 Second Read)

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 18:24:15 GMT

The LAW OF SUBTRACTION is strategically removing anything from our lives that is:

CONFUSING

WASTEFUL

UNPRODUCTIVE

HURTFUL

Have you been dating someone and they say they value the relationship but then constantly cancel plans last minute? That is going to increase your anxiety by causing you to question your value. That is CONFUSING . It might be time to subtract that relationship from your life and find one that is healthier with someone who has clarity.

Do you find that when you’re anxious you get on Amazon and start looking for things to buy? “If I had that thing, I think I would feel better about myself.” That is WASTEFUL . Stuff doesn’t lower anxiety. It might be time to subtract retail therapy as a cheap dopamine boost from your life.

Do you feel busy and overwhelmed but then catch yourself scrolling on Instagram Reels, TikTok, or Facebook way longer than you anticipated? That is UNPRODUCTIVE . It might be time to subtract social media from your life by deleting the apps off your phone entirely for a few months to reset.

Is there an unhealthy friendship or intimate relationship in your life? We’re talking harmful toxic people here. That is HURTFUL . If you’ve been assertive, tried to rebalance the relationship, and sought reconciliation but the other person refuses to collaborate, it might be time to hit the eject button.

HOMEWORK:

Think about the areas of your life where anxiety rears its ugly head. What do you need to consider subtracting from those situations that might lower the anxiety?

Anxiety – The Role of Medication (4 Minute Read)

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 20:08:49 GMT

THE GOOD:

Let me begin by saying that medication DOES have a role in mental health. It HAS helped people and it HAS saved lives when people were struggling to function, when they couldn’t think straight, and when they were in the depths of despair.

I’ve met with people who simply couldn’t string 2 sentences together and they needed to begin a medication regimen to help bring them to a level where we could begin working on some of the struggles, helping them make changes to improve permanently.

I believe that SOME people need medication to help them function at a reasonably normal level in life, but I also believe that this group is the minority. If you’re in that group, then there is no shame in using medication for help. Please do what your doctor has instructed you to do and NEVER make changes to your medication regimen without talking to your doctor. Unfortunately, I believe MOST people who are on psychotropic medications just so they can function throughout the day do not need them.

Medication is not the ONLY solution.

THE BAD:

The pharmaceutical industry and the medical field have done an amazing job over our lifetime of selling us on the idea that anxiety is simply a disease like diabetes or hypertension. For anxiety, “you likely just have a chemical imbalance.”

Granted, there is a medical component to anxiety. When we consistently subject ourselves to life stressors, our bodies are in a constant state of arousal. Our brains and bodies react by releasing Cortisol, Catecholamines (like adrenaline), and Vasopressin to try to keep us regulated and functioning.

The pharmaceutical and medical industries tell us that we just need to take medication so that we can “regulate our chemical imbalance.” Unfortunately, it isn’t an exact science because we can’t do a blood test to test your anxiety level.

“Hmm, so you still feel anxious? If the medication you’re taking isn’t working, then we probably need to raise the dose or add another medication to your regimen. Just take this and come back to see me in a month. We’ve seen very good results with this new medication.”

To be fair, it’s not all the doctor’s fault. They work in a society where we want a microwave fix to everything. We would rather take a shot for weight loss than to exercise and eat healthy and we would rather take 2-3 pills each morning to numb out our anxiety and depression than to do the hard work of changing our habits and our lack of boundaries in activities and relationships.

I have a nurse practitioner friend who has said that there’s pressure on the medical community to give patients at least some type of prescription each time they come in or else they’ll give that provider a bad review online. To tell a patient that they need counseling, or to find a new job where their boss isn’t a jerk, or to stop drinking a 6-pack every night before bed is almost seen as malpractice to some patients. We no longer go to doctors for their holistic healing and wisdom on our overall health but usually for prescriptions. Doctors feel the pressure for the quick fix as well because we’re the ones pressuring them.

So here’s a critical thinking question: If the doctors and pharmaceutical industry are right in saying that taking a few pills each day will make us less anxious then why do the number of prescriptions continue to rise at a similar rate that the reports from patients reporting anxiety symptoms continue to rise? If the medication is that effective, then wouldn’t we be reporting less anxiety?

Could it be that we’re missing something in this equation?

THE UGLY:

When we are constantly in debt, overscheduled, dealing with an abusive spouse, addicted to substances, and mindlessly doom scrolling on TikTok until 2am, our brains and bodies are screaming at us to take action and change something.

If your house was literally on fire and the smoke alarm is going off, would you take the batteries out of the smoke alarm and go back to bed? Of course not!

Unfortunately, this is what many of our friends and family use medication for. Rather than putting out the fire (dealing with the trauma, the abuse, the boundaries, the exhaustion, and the emptiness) we simply silence the smoke alarm. Medication can be effective at lessening unpleasant feelings temporarily but oftentimes those feelings continue to smolder under the surface until it becomes unbearable again and the fire re-erupts.

THE HOPE:

It’s time to make a change.

You are the only one who can do it.

You don’t have to do it alone!

Keeping reading along with these articles to find new ways of lowering your anxiety without having to be on medication for the rest of your life.

HOMEWORK:

Have you had a talk with your Dr. recently about their ideas about helping with your anxiety? What is their mindset and theory behind long-term use of anxiety medications? Did you feel heard and understood with your questions? If you've been prescribed medication for over 12 months with no conversation, it's time to ask your Dr. if they believe this medication is the lifelong solution. Are you ok with their explanation and feedback?

***Here are some good stats on the current state of anxiety in our world.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7786299/

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics

https://www.anxietycentre.com/statistics/anxiety-disorder-statistics-facts/

Retreat - When to Step Back from Anxiety (2 Minute Read)

Mon, 23 Oct 2023 12:12:55 GMT

We already said that sometimes we need to push past DISCOMFORT and not let it keep us from doing what is right and good for us.

Other times it may be healthier to RETREAT from the situation that is provoking our anxiety. I use the word RETREAT because it is temporary. We RETREAT now so we can charge forward later.

Here are 4 times when RETREATING from anxiety is the better option:

1. PROMOTING SELF-CARE : Retreating from anxiety can be a form of self-care. Some companies are beginning to require that their employees use up their vacation every year rather than save it. They know that to be at our best we need to get away sometimes. After vacation, we reenter the work world ready to press on.

2. PROBLEM-SOLVING : Retreating from anxiety temporarily can lead to improved problem-solving skills when you return to address the issues with a clearer mind. My 3 ^rd grade teacher gave us a word search to do one day but I couldn’t find that last stinkin’ word. She said, “Just put it down and come back to it later and you’ll find that last word.” She was right! It was right there staring me in the face!

3. PREPARATION : Retreating can be a healthy timeout before intentionally confronting a stressful situation. If I know I’m going to have a particularly stressful day, I prepare. I watch my favorite relaxing show the night before, get to bed on time, and eat a healthy dinner and breakfast. Arguing with your daughter about the length of her skirt then slamming 3 cups of coffee and a Big Mac right before a big job interview probably isn’t going to improve your performance.

4. PEOPLE : Retreating to connect with friends, family, or a good counselor during anxious periods can provide comfort and understanding, which can help alleviate anxiety. Safe people can recharge us so we can step back into the fray and fight more effectively. Just like your phone, you’re at your best when you’re plugged in, connected, and have a full charge.

All 4 of these should be done intentionally and with a plan. We’re NOT burying our head in the sand or avoiding. We’re strategically retreating so we can live to fight better another day.

HOMEWORK:

Go back to your list of anxiety struggles. Which ones so you need to keep pressing in on and which ones should you temporarily retreat from? Make a note of which is which. Come up with a plan for and put a time limit on your retreat items for when you will reengage.

Discomfort – It’s Role in Anxiety (90 Second Read)

Mon, 23 Oct 2023 12:02:16 GMT

Confession: I love being comfortable!

Most of the things we do in life are done to bring us COMFORT .

We choose our friends because we feel at ease around them. "They’re my kind of people.”

We picked out our car because it satisfied something within us. It was the great safety rating, the sleek lines that make us feel cool, or the fantastic price point.

Most of the things we avoid doing threaten to bring us DISCOMFORT .

We don’t go to certain parts of town where we feel unsafe.

We avoid conversations with people who may not agree with us.

What if we’ve become COMFORT ADDICTS though?

What if we’ve built up such an aversion to DISCOMFORT that it’s weakened us and strengthened our ANXIETY ?

Could some of our ANXIETY stem from the fact that we’ve become so emotionally affluent that our anxiety alarm system has become too sensitive?

Could we have it so good in our lives that we’ve forgotten how to work through something hard, how to struggle, and how to overcome adversity?

If we begin having convulsions when the internet goes down for an hour and we can’t stream Netflix, we’ve failed to keep anxiety in its proper perspective.

If we’re losing sleep because we’re worried about that other evil political party saying things that offend us, we’ve failed to keep anxiety in its proper perspective.

Here’s the TRUTH :

You can do hard things because you have done hard things before and YOU SURVIVED!

HOMEWORK:

Think of something you’ve been avoiding because it’s hard and it makes you anxious to think about doing it. Now go do that thing and get it over with. Now laugh at yourself for having put it off for this long.

The Reason Anxiety is a Good Thing (90 Second Read)

Mon, 16 Oct 2023 15:47:27 GMT

If you’ve ever exercised, then you know there’s some pain involved. You’re going to be sore the next day. That’s how you know you’re getting better. That’s normal pain.

However, if you’ve ever injured yourself, you know that it’s a different kind of pain. I used to be a runner until I hurt my hip a few years ago. That pain persisted. It got worse the more I tried to ignore it.

Here’s a weird thought: I’m glad that my injured hip was painful.

God created our bodies with built-in alarm systems. The pain receptors in my hip sent a signal to my brain that screamed:

Warning!

Danger!

Stop!

Anxiety is part of your emotional alarm system and it is GOOD!

Your brain and your body are calibrated to recognize risks and when you encounter those risks your alarm system goes into action.

If there are rumors at work that the company is going to begin layoffs, your alarm system goes into action.

If you see one of your kids falling in with the wrong crowd, your alarm system goes into action.

If you don’t pay attention to your anxiety, then you won’t recognize potential problems in your life and make changes to address them.

***If you’re annoyed by the idea that ANXIETY IS GOOD then don’t give up on me. We’re going to keep talking about how anxiety can also be a HARMFUL thing.

HOMEWORK:

On your list of Literal or Perceived struggles, now write down WHY you think that struggle is causing your alarm system to go into action? WHY is it warning you of a risk?

For instance, with the work example above: “I’m anxious about the layoff rumor because my wife and I only have $300 in savings. If I stop getting paid then we can’t pay our bills!”

The Difference Between Anxiety and Fear (60 Second Read)

Mon, 09 Oct 2023 12:06:54 GMT

You know it and I know it. Anxiety is wreaking havoc in our lives right now.

Maybe it’s that feeling like your marriage is just hanging on by a thread or maybe it’s having to walk back into work tomorrow with that boss who is just a bully.

You’re wondering if it can get better. (It can) You’re also wondering how. (Hang on, we’ll get to that)

So, let’s begin with the basics.

We use the terms interchangeably, but we can also make a case that there’s a difference between ANXIETY and FEAR.

ANXIETY is the perception that you could be in danger.

If you’re going for a hike and you see a sign at the trailhead and says “Beware: Active Bear Habitat” you are likely going to feel ANXIOUS and keep your eyes peeled.

FEAR is the response to literal danger.

If you’re hiking and you see some cute baby bears and then turn around and you can feel the hot breath of mama bear in your face, then you’re experiencing FEAR . Bad news, you’re going to be dinner.

Why argue about the words and definitions? Trust me, this is going to matter in later posts.

Don’t worry, we’re going to talk about some ways you can change (not eliminate) fear and anxiety.

This journey is not for the faint of heart and it might surprise you. Are you ready?

HOMEWORK:

Write down the struggles that you're facing. It may sound like this: "I am afraid of/that__________." Are your life struggles PERCEIVED danger or LITERAL danger? Categorize them on paper or in the Notes App on your phone.

COMING SOON! - “How Do I Deal With This Anxiety?”

Tue, 03 Oct 2023 15:42:59 GMT

The Bad News: Anxiety isn’t going to go away in our ever more disconnected world.

The Good News: You don’t have to deal with the disconnection by yourself. There is a way to reconnect.

Anxiety is rampant in our world right now. Every day I meet with people who ask the question, “How do I deal with this anxiety?” We’re going to answer that together!

I’m going to post 1 short article and 1 short video every week on a topic related to anxiety. My hope is that it sparks some thought and gives you a feeling of empowerment that you can use to take back control of your worries and fears.

Here’s your part:

1. Follow me on my business Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, or my website blog for each week’s new idea.

2. Do the simple homework idea listed in each tip every week.

3. Give feedback in the comments so others can benefit from your progress.

4. Share with everyone to spread the word and help them knock out their anxiety!

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help hurting frazzled people every day by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Follow Through (60 Second Read)

Wed, 28 Jun 2023 18:30:29 GMT

Day 16 (EXCITING BONUS PDF FREE!)

Follow Through (60 Second Read)

If something in these last 15 days hit home and gave you something to begin chewing on then that’s great!

That’s the 1 ^st step!

The most important step, however, is FOLLOW THROUGH .

Do something about it.

What will you change? What tough conversation will you commit to having? What book will you commit to buying and reading?

That is what will make all the difference in your marriage.

Let me help you get the conversation started…

Try saying this, “So I’ve been reading these 15 short snippets daily and some of them really seemed relevant to me. Would you look at them and then tell me which ones you feel like might apply to us?”

What’s the worst they could say? If they say “ no ” then it’s ok. They aren’t ready to make changes like you are yet. You can still make a difference in your marriage. Be patient. It takes time.

I will email you a PDF of all 15 Days in a pretty, quick-read booklet. Feel free to distribute it as far and wide as you would like. Send it to all your friends, family, pastors, Sunday school classes, etc.

Here’s the fun part:

If you would help me by doing this:

1. Like and Follow my Daniel Crosby Counseling Facebook and/or Instagram pages.

2. Message or Email me your email address.

3. I will personally email you the PDF. No tricks. No strings attached. FREE! I just want to get the word out and help couples begin the conversation.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Celebrate Your Marriage (60 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 21:05:10 GMT

Day 15

How to Celebrate Your Marriage (60 Second Read)

This is the fun part!

In our world today, marriage isn’t held in high regard like it used to be. If you’ve done the hard work and you keep working to grow and improve then that’s something to celebrate. It’s time to BRAG a little!

There are two ways you need to be celebrating your marriage:

1 . PUBLICLY – Ladies, when you’re out for a “Girl’s night out,” or Fellas, when you’re “Hanging with the guys,” talk positively about your husband or wife. Brag a little. Tell your friends the things that impress you about your significant other. Also, do this when you’re out together! Hug each other in front of others. Say nice things to your spouse so everyone hears it.

2. PRIVATELY – You need to celebrate your anniversary and other big milestones in your marriage. Get away for an overnight trip 1-2x per year. Go have a celebratory dinner when your spouse gets a promotion at work. Tell your spouse specific things about them that make you proud that you married them.

HOMEWORK: Next time you’re in public, find a way to positively work your spouse’s name into the conversation and brag on them a little. Go home and decide what special thing you’ll do to celebrate your anniversary this year!

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Create a Healthy and Happy Marriage (60 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 21:00:20 GMT

Day 14

How to Create a Healthy and Happy Marriage (60 Second Read)

Hopefully your marriage is a long-term pursuit. However, when you stand up in front of God and your family and make those “as long as we both shall live” vows it’s hard to imagine how long “till death do us part” really is.

Here are 2 ideas to grow a LONG successful marriage:

1. SMALL CONSISTENT DEPOSITS – Like saving for retirement, it doesn’t happen overnight. If you save just a little out of each paycheck and invest it, then hopefully you’ll have a huge chunk of money at retirement. Similarly in marriage, we must make small regular deposits of love over a lifetime. Anniversaries and vacations are big and fun, but it’s the daily deposits that really add up. Doing the dishes, hugs, serving, and genuine compliments all communicate love.

2. VALUE PARTNERSHIP – The power in partnership is that we can both do something bigger together than we could do separately. This means that each of you must value the others’ abilities. Learning to appreciate the complementary strengths of your spouse (even if they drive you nuts sometimes) is a big part of success in any partnership. Valuing one another’s unique giftings also keeps criticism and resentment at bay.

HOMEWORK: Tonight, anonymously make one small deposit into your marriage that you don’t immediately get credit for. Then go tell your spouse something you value about them that you wouldn’t be good at doing on your own.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Deal with Grief and Loss in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:57:10 GMT

Day 13

How to Deal with Grief and Loss in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

If you’re married long enough, you’re going to deal with grief and loss with your spouse.

It could be loss of a parent, loss of a job, loss of a child, or many other things that life throws at us.

There are three things that are pivotal between married spouses to help during these tough times.

1. MERCY – Mercy is the idea that we are lenient and compassionate to our spouse who isn’t at their best right now. If your spouse has a short temper, they aren’t as productive around the house as they usually are, or their mind just seems preoccupied with other things show them mercy. Let things slide and give them space. You may have to pick up the slack a little for awhile.

2. ENCOURAGEMENT – When we’re grieving a loss it is draining. Emotionally, mentally, and physically your spouse will be zapped of energy and motivation. That means they need to borrow some encouragement from you. Offer more love, positivity, and closeness if they need help filling up their heart.

3. TIME – It takes time. Our culture sucks at grief and loss. It’s a day or two of bereavement leave and then we’re expected to be back at 100%. How long is long enough to show extra mercy and be extra encouraging? Every situation is different but it’s probably longer than you think. Everyone grieves at a different pace. Check in with one another and ask, “How are you doing?” Give the other person a chance to be real and vulnerable about where they are in the process.

***Note: In the event of the loss of a child, both spouses will be going through this at the same time. Trouble comes when each spouse expects the other to grieve like them or on their timeline. Mercy, Encouragement, and Time become that much more important in these instances.

HOMEWORK: If you’re spouse in the midst of dealing with a loss, gently ask your them what you could do that would help. If they don’t know, you can’t go wrong with lovingly checking in on them every so often to show that you still care and you’re supporting them through it.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Coparent During/After a Divorce (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:53:15 GMT

Day 12

How to Coparent During/After a Divorce (90 Second Read)

Even if you know divorce was the right decision, that doesn’t mean that you, your former spouse, and especially your kids aren’t deeply saddened by all of these changes. It can be devastating.

Here are several MUSTS to remember to help your kids through the process:

1. BE UNIFIED – This sounds weird right? You got divorced because you can’t stand your former spouse. Guess what? You’re still both just as important to your kids as you were before you divorced. They need to know that they have a Mom and a Dad that have their backs, love them, and will fight FOR them.

2. BE CONSISTENT – Try to have the same rules in both homes, the same bedtimes, the same homework expectations, the same screen time limits, the same chores, etc. Try to make it as seamless for the kids as possible during this tough transition.

3. DO NOT PUT KIDS IN THE MIDDLE – Kids are not counselors. Kids are not attorneys. Kids are not best friends. Kids are not messengers. Kids are not accountants. Kids are not spouse spies. Take emotions, legalities, venting, communication, finances, and spouse spying off the kids’ backs.

4. CHECK IN REGULARLY – Just because a child hasn’t talked about the divorce or their feelings lately doesn’t mean they are no longer struggling. Sometimes kids want permission to talk about what they’re feeling and struggling with. We can give them permission by regularly asking them how they’re doing by asking specific questions.

HOMEWORK : After you’re divorced, you need to communicate MORE with your former spouse about the kids. Try to set a regular scheduled weekly phone call/email to communicate important dates, deadlines, expectations, etc. so you can both be there for your kids.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

What to Do If You’re Thinking About Divorce (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:45:52 GMT

Day 11

What to Do If You’re Thinking About Divorce (90 Second Read)

I say half-jokingly to all the couples that see me for premarital counseling: “There will come a time in your marriage when you wonder if you’ve made a BIG mistake in marrying your spouse.”

Marriage is hard. What do you expect when you take two flawed people and put them in that proximity to one another to try to create a life together?

There comes a point, though, where permanently ending the marriage becomes a real possibility in one or both your minds.

Here are several things to consider:

1. SEEK COUNSEL – If you haven’t talked to a wise friend, a pastor, or especially a counselor at length about your decision then you aren’t ready to file for divorce.

2. RESET YOUR EXPECTATIONS – You aren’t ready to file for divorce if you haven’t tried to shed past disappoints of what you pictured marriage to be. Your expectations could be accurate, but they could also be unrealistic.

3. WORK ON YOURSELF – If you haven’t looked in the mirror and asked, “What have I negatively contributed to the failing of our marriage?” AND tried to resolve those flaws, then you aren’t ready to file for divorce.

4. BE PATIENT – If you haven’t given ample time for your marriage to improve while working the above ideas then you aren’t ready to file for divorce. How long is long enough? Probably a lot longer than you think it is. Maybe years!

***A Note on Abuse: If you’re in a truly abusive marriage then get out now! Find a friend or family member to stay with and find safety. Collect your thoughts and begin working the items above to determine whether it’s worth pursuing.

HOMEWORK: Think back on the first time you and your spouse met. Journal the story of your first date together and reminisce. How does that feel to think back on that memory? At one point, you saw something in your spouse that made you fall in love and want to spend your life with them.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Get Help for Your Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:37:15 GMT

Day 10

How to Get Help for Your Marriage (90 Second Read)

So you’re discontent in your marriage. You’ve been wrestling with it internally for a long time and it’s finally reached the breaking point. What now?

This is where illicit affairs creep in or spouses are blind sided with divorce papers out of the blue.

Here are three steps to keep from getting to that point.

1. COMMUNICATE – If you haven’t gone to your spouse, looked them in the eye, told them, with words, out loud, in person that you aren’t happy with the way things are then this is your 1 ^st step. Your marriage will never get better if you’re unhappy inside your head but never tell your spouse. They can’t change something they don’t know about even if you’ve tried sending subtle or not so subtle signals.

2. RESOURCES – Find resources to help create change. Some spouses will ignore your pleas. They don’t think there is a problem and you’ll be left to try to find relief on your own. That’s ok. You can still find resources to help you with the emptiness in your marriage. This might look like books, seminars, or getting involved with a church group to find support.

3. COUNSEL – Last but not least, go seek counsel. This could look like a friend, a pastor, or a counselor. Again, you don’t have to have your spouse on board to get counsel. It’s easy to get stuck in your own head because you’re the one going through this. Don’t go through it alone. Go say it out loud to someone you trust who isn’t right in the middle of it.

HOMEWORK: If you know your marriage is struggling and needs help take action NOW. I hear this statement all the time: “Daniel, we probably should have been here talking to you 3 years ago.” Please reach out for help before giving up.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Deal with Infidelity in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:31:26 GMT

15 Days to a Better Marriage

Day 9

How to Deal with Infidelity in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

This topic is far greater than anything we could cover in 90 seconds. Here’s are 3 basic necessities to get you started on the path to reconciliation.

1. HUMILITY - An admittance of wrongdoing and a desire to restore the marriage.

Recovering from infidelity first begins with humility. If there’s a chance that the marriage is going to survive, it’s going to take both people taking FULL ownership of their part in this. It begins by looking in the mirror. PRIDEFULNESS has no place in reconciliation.

2. DISCERNMENT – A clear understanding of how we got to this point in the first place.

If we don’t know how we got to this point in the first place then how do we know it isn’t going to happen again? We need to determine where we got off the path so we can keep from tripping up again. We need to feel SAFE to keep trying and safety is often found in understanding.

3. EMOTIONS - An ability to empathize with how the infidelity has deeply hurt us and our spouse.

We must FEEL and sit in the hard feelings. Oftentimes an affair happens because we’ve numbed out to our marriage. We need to grieve this loss. It could be a loss of innocence, of reputation, or of expectations. We need to try to truly feel the depth of how our behaviors have hurt ourselves and others.

Just because your marriage is going through a crisis doesn’t mean you can’t make it through this. Many couples are able to survive an affair, repair their marriages, and come out even stronger on the other side.

Don’t try to recover from an affair in isolation. It takes accountability.

HOMEWORK: Commit to a minimum of 10 marriage counseling sessions before deciding whether to divorce or not. Reach out and I’ll help you find the right marriage counselor for you.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Survive Raising Kids Together in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:23:12 GMT

Day 8

How to Survive Raising Kids Together in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Full disclosure, I don’t personally have children. However, there are a lot of parenting patterns that I’ve seen over the years of working with couples that seem to work and some that don’t.

Whether It’s parenting, coparenting, or step parenting here are 3 tips and tricks that make all the difference.

1. CONSISTENCY

Your kids need consistency from parent to parent, and in instances of divorce, from home to home. As much possible, try to parent by the same standards. One of the most destructive things for a child is to live in confusion where there are no concrete limits. If mom says, “No soda after 7pm” but dad sneaks the child a Coke and gummy bears in the garage then that creates tension. Kids need to know that mom and dad are a solid team that puts their wellbeing before mom and dad’s differences of opinion.

2. POSITIVE EXPLORATION

The phrase “You can be anything you want to be” is complete garbage. No you can’t. From the day I was born, there’s no chance I would ever play in the NBA. Instead of telling your kids that, help them explore many things to help them find their niche and their group. I did swim lessons, soccer, piano lessons, football, school chorus, school plays, basketball, track, and cross country before I realized that I loved running. Most of those other things lasted 1 season at best. Let your kids try a lot of things and encourage them as they explore.

3. FAILURE + LOVE

Let your kids fail. When I say FAIL, I’m not talking about catastrophic failure. If your teen has been drinking and wants to go out for a drive, then wrestle them to the ground to take away the car keys! If they’re determined not to study for that math test, however, then let them feel the weight of that big red “F” on the paper. If you protect your kids from failing, then they’ll never learn how to be resilient. When the failure happens, pull them in with all your love and help them explore a better option.

HOMEWORK: What areas of parenting do you and your spouse disagree on? Is there a way to connect and, at least, agree on these three ideas above?

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Deal with In-laws in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:16:36 GMT

Day 7

How to Deal with In-laws in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

I’ll simply give you 2 words that are at the core of challenges with In-laws:

EXPECTATIONS and COMMUNICATION

1. EXPECTATIONS

“My family always goes out to a restaurant to celebrate birthday dinners.”

“My family doesn’t use credit cards and saves up and pays cash for everything.”

The definitions of “NORMAL” is “The way I’m used to doing it.” What happens when you get married, though, and you join with a family whose NORMAL is different?

Sitting down with your spouse and determining what OUR MARRIED NORMAL is will set OUR expectations in OUR marriage.

2. COMMUNICATION

Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

It is the wife’s job to communicate with her family and the husband’s job to communicate with his family. You know best how your family works and interacts and you need to take responsibility for your side of the family and to present you and your spouse as a unified front.

“WE have decided to limit TV time for the kids this summer so WE’D appreciate it if you would do the same when you’re watching them mom.”

“WE are working to get out of debt so WE may just do a small staycation this year rather than do the big family trip to the beach with everyone.”

You may get some pushback, but if you’re in agreement with your MARRIED NORMAL then you will be better able to survive the ruffled feathers that may begin to fly.

HOMEWORK: Determine which areas have been tense with the in-laws and then determine your married normal and decide how best to communicate that to the family.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Deal with Financial Problems in Your Marriage (2 Minute Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:13:00 GMT

Day 6

How to Deal with Financial Problems in Your Marriage (2 Minute Read)

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a disagreement about money in your relationship?

Don’t be embarrassed. Did you know that money fights and money problems are the #1 cause of marital conflict in the U.S.?

The good news about that is if you and your spouse can get on the same page with money then you’re well on your way to handling many other issues in your marriage.

There are 2 main sources of money conflict in a marriage:

1. We don’t consider our spouse’s MONEY MINDSET.

Are you the SPENDER or the SAVER in your relationship?

SPENDERS see money as fun, freedom, and opportunity.

SAVERS see money as safety, security, and stability.

Can you see how these could clash in the middle if you don’t understand the other’s mindset and goals? Begin to see the benefit of the other person’s perspective and how that could be of great value in your marriage.

Personally, I often say that my wife makes me a lot more fun with money and I make her a lot more responsible with money. We both need each other.

2. We don’t have a PLAN on how to MANAGE our money TOGETHER.

We often believe that the answer lies in more income. Unfortunately, there’s a concept called “life creep” that describes what happens when we make more. Our lifestyle creeps up based upon our income level creeping up. So, while the brain surgeon makes more than the gas station attendant, oftentimes both struggle with managing finances in their homes and their marriages. The answer lies in having a PLAN. This is a really boring solution, but you and your spouse need to sit down before the month begins and create a PLAN for next month. Whether you’re earning $2,000 or $20,000 per month, if you don’t agree TOGETHER on a PLAN for where your money is going then the money will just seem to vanish.

Homework: Recognize who is a saver and who is a spender. Text or call your spouse right now and say, “Hey, I think we need to sit down and make a plan for our money next month. Will you do that with me?” You won’t do it perfectly the first time, but you need to begin somewhere.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

How to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Marriage (60 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:09:53 GMT

Day 5

How to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Marriage (60 Second Read)

Two of the most common phrases I hear from couples is:

“We love each other but we’re not in love anymore.”

“We just feel like roommates.”

Here is a surefire way to keep the spark alive in your marriage:

ADVENTURE

If you aren’t having NEW adventures together then your marriage is going to get stale.

Marriage is more than working, paying the bills on time, taking the kids to soccer practice, and getting dinner ready.

Those are all good things, but where’s the ADVENTURE ?

Adventure involves RISK – Try a new activity that neither of you know how to do. You may completely fail and you’ll have a good memory to laugh about in the years to come.

Adventure involves DIFFERENT – Go try the new restaurant in town that just opened. It might be fantastic. It might be terrible. Either way, we’re in for something exciting.

Adventure involves ACCOMPLISHMENT – Achieving a new goal alongside your spouse creates significant bonding and a sense of winning together.

HOMEWORK: Ask your husband or wife if they’ll go on an adventure with you. When they give you a weird look, describe for them what you mean and begin brainstorming on something you could do together.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

Two Ways to Handle Stress in Your Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:04:58 GMT

Day 4

Two Ways to Handle Stress in Your Marriage (90 Second Read)

It’s 2023 and the world isn’t slowing down anytime soon. If you’re yearning for the good ‘ol days when Andy and Barney were strolling down Main St. in Mayberry looking for jaywalkers then you’re going to be disappointed.

Here are a couple of ideas to get you started and headed back toward Mayberry:

1. JUST SAY NO

The temptation these days is to fill our schedules with distractions (sometimes good ones) and stretch ourselves to the edge of breakdown. It’s almost a badge of honor when someone asks how our day is to say, “Oh, whew, super busy!” How many times have you felt this way and continued to commit you and your family to more things? It’s ok to say “no” to a request, maybe even one from your spouse.

2. PLAY TOGETHER

I read a recent study that asked participants to rate their current level of stress. They were then taken for a long walk on a wooded trail. When they finished, they were asked to rate their level of stress again. I don’t even have to tell you the results. Their level of stress dropped significantly! I know that we all have obligations, but if we aren’t building in time to strategically play and recharge together then we’re going to wake up one day and find that we’re not only stressed, but also living with what feels like a roommate.

Homework:

1. Pick one thing you can say NO to this week to unburden yourself from another obligation. Maybe even tell that person that you’re trying to be better about overcommitting yourself. Chances are they’ll totally understand.

2. Strategically find time to PLAY TOGETHER with your spouse. This could look like taking a walk, sitting out on the patio after dinner (without phones), or treating yourselves to a quick coffee date together.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

One Healthy Way to Handle Intense Marriage Conflict (2 Minute Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 20:01:17 GMT

Day 3

One Healthy Way to Handle Intense Marriage Conflict (2 Minute Read)

At some point in your marriage, you’re going to have a disagreement that just seems insurmountable. Every time you talk about that topic, tempers seem to flare. Sometimes, it’s good to take a break and walk away so you don’t do more damage by saying something in the heat of the moment that you’ll later regret.

Here’s how it works:

1. Anyone can call a timeout at any time. Whichever one of you is the more emotionally in control and more mature will be the one who calls the timeout.

2. Always use the words “I” or “We” when calling a timeout. “I think we need a timeout.” Or “I think I need to take a break and calm down.” Never say, “YOU are out of control and YOU need a timeout.” (You get 1 guess on why I had to add this rule.)

3. Once the timeout has been called, the conversation on this topic is over. Do not be that person that has to get in the last word. Do not follow the other person around the house trying to continue the conversation. That is disrespectful. A cease fire is in effect. You may continue to communicate about other life circumstances, if possible, but this topic is off the table for further discussion at this time.

4. When you call a timeout, you MUST choose a time (preferably the same day) that you will get back together and address the disagreement. “Let’s meet back in the living room at 8pm after the kids are in bed to talk more.”

5. Use the time apart to consider your point as well as the other person’s point. Is this worth arguing about? Could the other person’s point have some validity? Did I come across accusatory or aggressive? Is my pride getting in the way of finding a resolution?

6. Meet back together at your specified time to continue to discuss the problem. Consider listening to one another more than talking at one another. Consider apologizing for your part in the disagreement and how you may have come across earlier.

Homework: Decide whether it’s you or your spouse who is the more mature one…just kidding!

Real Homework: Read these timeout rules aloud with your spouse tonight and ask if you can try to put them into practice if you ever find yourself in a big argument or stalemate.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

3 Important Times to Communicate in Your Marriage (1 Minute Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 19:57:36 GMT

Day 2

3 Important Times to Communicate in Your Marriage (1 Minute Read)

If you’ve been married more than 5 minutes you realize that you married an alien that speaks a completely different language.

It can make for some spirited discussions.

Here are the three most important times when you should communicate extra with your spouse.

1. When things are BAD

During a disagreement or a family crisis we must work extra hard to communicate well. Emotions are high and we’re likely doing more miscommunicating than we are connecting. You can bet that communication has ended if: 1. voices are raised, 2. there’s no eye contact, or 3. You keep interrupting each other.

2. When things are GOOD

One of the most powerful forces on the planet is encouragement. Have you ever met anyone that turned down encouragement? We all doubt ourselves everyday. When you catch your spouse doing something good (Hint: They do many good things everyday) then verbally tell them you noticed and appreciate what they did or how they did it.

3. When things are BORING

In our world of endless social media scrolling, it’s easy to use down time as personal phone time. When we’re waiting for a table in the restaurant, riding in the car together, or waiting in the car rider line for pickup, use that time to call or talk to your spouse. Share about your day and ask them if you can share about yours. It’s often in the mundane times that connection happens.

Homework: Which one of these situations needs some work at your house? Try to be intentional about communicating well this week in that area.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

The Importance of Trust and Respect in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 19:45:40 GMT

Day 1

The Importance of Trust and Respect in a Marriage (90 Second Read)

Trust and Respect are two of the most frequented reasons couples come to counseling.

“I just feel like after what he did, I’ll never be able to TRUST him again.”

“I just think she has absolutely no RESPECT for me and all that I do to help our family.”

Without trust and respect, a marriage is limited in how much longer it can survive.

TRUST

A lack of TRUST is rooted in a lack of SAFETY. Our super-efficient brains work to keep us safe by calculating the future based upon the past. When you’ve hurt me in the past, all my alarm bells go off in my head screaming DANGER DANGER!

The formula for rebuilding trust is simple (but also excruciatingly slow at times):

1. Admit your mistake and show the other person that you see how badly it hurt them.

2. Prove yourself to be safe consistently over time by doing the right thing over and over and over.

RESPECT

A lack of RESPECT is rooted in a lack of ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Everyone wants to be seen and admired for something. When you feel like your efforts go unnoticed or that your contribution doesn’t matter then you’re going to feel disrespected.

The formula for growing respect is also simple:

1. Catch your spouse doing something good and praise them OUT LOUD.

2. Read #1 again! (You’d be amazed at how many husbands and wives I meet that will tell me all the amazing things they think about their spouse but then never say it OUT LOUD.)

3. Extra points if you praise your spouse publicly in front of friends or family.

HOMEWORK: Rank the level of Trust and Respect in your marriage on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best. Based on your results, what’s your next step?

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

What Do You Identify As? (2 Minute Read)

Wed, 31 May 2023 14:25:36 GMT

We are big University of Georgia football fans.

I often laugh at Georgia games when I see grown men fanboying over 17-year-old high school recruits. They know their names, height, weight, completion percentages, etc. They even shout the names of these kids from the stands just wanting to get a little head nod from a high school junior in hopes that that kid will be Georgia’s next superstar. I AM A GEORGIA FAN! GO DAWGS!

What do you identify as?

For some it’s their favorite sports team like I said above.

For some it’s their gender or sexual orientation. They believe that the LGBT community will fulfill them and tell them who they are. I AM GAY/TRANS/PAN!

For some it’s their work. They call the shots and they’re respected here. Maybe they aspire to build a great business empire. They believe their job will tell them who they are. I AM A CEO!

For some it’s their status on social media. If I can build a following and post the right things then I will get more likes and hearts and thumbs up. They believe a growing personal brand will tell them who they are. I AM AN INFLUENCER!

For some it’s their family. They pour everything into their children. They sacrifice and fight for their kids to give their kids the best chance for success. They believe that raising admirable kids will tell them who they are. I AM A MOM/DAD!

For some it’s their Christian faith. They live by a set of standards prescribed in the Bible. They believe that there is a God who is bigger than them, who created them, and who tells them their mission and their purpose in life. I AM A CHILD OF GOD!

What do you identify as?

Final question:

Has your identity given you what it promised to give you? Has it fulfilled you?

If your identity has left you unfulfilled, chasing the next best thing, and wanting more, then it might be time to reconsider what you’re placing your identity in.

Need help? These are big questions. Don’t go at it alone. Go find a GOOD counselor in your area to bounce ideas off. A GOOD counselor will ask you GOOD questions to help you sort out these big questions that you may be wrestling with.

“Listen to counsel and receive instruction so that you may be wise later in life.” Proverbs 19:20

Is it Resistance or Fear? (60 Second Read)

Wed, 24 May 2023 21:26:21 GMT

People are not resistant. People are fearful.

Your husband that resists going to marriage counseling isn’t resistant. He’s fearful.

Your friend who resists hearing your opposing political view isn’t resistant. She’s fearful.

The person who resists getting involved with a local church isn’t resistant. They’re fearful.

So what can you do when you’re trying to connect with a fearful person?

Listen without judgement – Sometimes when we listen it may help alleviate their fear. Even if it doesn’t, maybe you can better understand their perspective.
Gently ask questions – Asking good questions helps clarify what is in our heads. It makes us put that fear “on trial” and determine whether it’s reasonable or not.
Be persistent about checking on them – This doesn’t have to be a one-and-done conversation. Let them know you care and that you will follow up with them.

The next time someone you love is pushing back on an idea or request ask yourself, “I wonder what they’re really afraid of?”

Find the answer to that and help reassure them and you’ll be well on your way to reconnecting and moving forward.

Starving for Relief (2 Minute Read)

Mon, 08 May 2023 20:02:11 GMT

As early as I can remember I’ve always wanted to fit in.

On the playground, in social circles, in our families, and in our work, we silently ask the questions:

Am I worthy?
Do I matter?
Am I going to be ok?

We are starving and desperate for a YES answer to those questions.

The problem with literal starvation is that a starving person WILL eat anything put in front of him whether it’s healthy or not. To a starving person even a piece of moldy bread looks good.

A lot of the tension in our world right now is due to our desperate attempts to get a YES answer by any means, in any way, and by anyone.

We turn to self-help books, intimate relationships, substances, achievement, identity groups, and a myriad of other things in hopes that that thing will say:

YES!
You are good!
You are one of us!
You belong here!

What we must consider, however, is whether the thing we are turning to is really healthy or not.

Moldy bread WILL fill us up, but it WILL hurt us in the process.
A shallow hook up on Tinder WILL cure our aloneness today, but it WILL also make us lonelier tomorrow.
A 6-pack of beer WILL numb a bad day at work, but tomorrow WILL be the same...now facing it with a hangover.

My faith and my life experiences have taught me that human wisdom, human advice, human inventions, and human self-identity are, at best, limited and temporary. This is why so many people look to something or Someone bigger than themselves when they are in the depths of despair.

Look to healthy over unhealthy.

Look to fulfilling contentment over temporary thrill.

In all of it, choose connection. There’s safety in numbers as we wrestle with our hurt.

If you or someone you know is hurting, please give them my contact info. I’d love to hear their story. Even if I’m not the best fit for them as a counselor, I’d love to help them find the right counselor to walk with them.

How to Increase Gratitude (45 Second Read)

Tue, 02 May 2023 16:59:07 GMT

When something in my life goes WRONG, I’m frustrated, angry, and upset about it. I want it fixed immediately.

How often do we stop to notice what is going RIGHT in our lives?

When is the last time you thanked your husband for going to work?

When is the last time you were grateful that your car started when you turned the key?

When is the last time you were thankful that your kids are healthy today?

The truth is, we are deeply aware of all the things in our lives that are going WRONG.

Isn’t it also true, though, that there are far more RIGHT things in your life than there are WRONG things?

Challenge for the Day:

Find 3 small things in your life today that you have neglected to be grateful for and say to yourself, “I am thankful for_____________.”

The better I am at staying grateful, the better I am at staying in a place of peace and joy.

Who Are Your People? (1 Minute Read)

Mon, 24 Apr 2023 15:42:54 GMT

The question is not IF we are going to have struggles in our lives, It’s WHEN.

The thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone.

So here’s my big question for you today:

When your marriage is falling apart…

When you get a cancer diagnosis…

When you are faced with a major life change or transition…

WHO ARE YOUR PEOPLE?

We were not created to live life all alone.

If you don’t have a person or a group of people that you can call when things get tough, then you’re putting yourself at risk.

WHO ARE YOUR PEOPLE?

Maybe you’ve been burned by people in the past and you’ve distanced yourself from relying on others.

Maybe you just feel awkward or guilty putting yourself out there or asking.

I get it, but when it comes down to living life, we need connection.

Here’s a great resource if you’ve been hurt by people in your past:

“Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Ideas to begin reconnecting:

1. Get back into a good church and begin serving to get involved or join a small group.
2. Get involved with a local hobby club with like-minded people who enjoy what you enjoy.
3. Reach out to old friends that you may have distanced from and ask about doing dinner soon.
4. Go connect with a counselor to get started with connection and brainstorm on more ideas.

What other ideas do you have for connection and finding your people?

How to Cope With Tragedy (3 Minute Read)

Tue, 28 Mar 2023 20:25:51 GMT

THE PROBLEM:

Whether it’s a natural disaster like the recent tornadoes in Mississippi or a community tragedy like the recent school shooting in Nashville, we’re left reeling and wrestling with what to do with the pain and hurt. Where do we turn for answers?

THE CONNECTION:

The most important thing we need right now is one another. We need connection. These are situations that no one can understand and to feel confusion in the midst of them is…human.

If you’re feeling angry, confused, sad, or hopeless then:

You are just like the rest of us - There’s no script for these tragedies or how to respond perfectly. No one has this all figured out. It doesn’t make sense to any of us and we’re all sighing in frustration.
You are probably functioning just like God designed you to function. Your confusion comes from the way God wired you to problem solve yet your brain and heart can’t line up and solve this.
You feel compelled to do something but you don’t know what to do.

THE KIDS:

It becomes even more challenging to know how to help our kids manage it because they certainly feel out of control.

Your kids want your permission to feel what they’re feeling. They don’t know what to feel or may wonder if what they’re feeling is right or not.
Tell your kids WHAT you’re feeling whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion. It’s good to show weakness and vulnerability to your kids. Putting on a strong and stoic front could send the message that having painful feelings is wrong.
Tell them WHY you’re feeling that way. It sometimes helps others if we use language that can help them label something that may feel unidentifiable to them.
It’s ok if you don’t know the answer to their question. Let them know that they’re not in it alone. We’re both feeling it together.
Reassure them that they’re safe with you and they can come to you to talk about what they’re feeling anytime.
Don’t make it a one-off conversation. Check back in with them regularly in the coming days and weeks.

THE SOLUTION:

It’s normal to feel outrage and want to begin pointing fingers to find out who is responsible. This will happen in the coming days and weeks. Just wait for the news media and politicians to begin to capitalize on this tragedy.

“It’s the Republicans’ fault for not passing more gun control legislation.”

“It’s the Democrats’ fault for propagating a culture of mental health brokenness and confusion.”

“It’s the school’s fault for not having a gated campus with a safety fence around the whole property to keep people out.” (Yep, I saw this one on social media already.)

I think back to 9/11 when tragedy struck and we briefly became a people more focused on God. For a moment, He became the solution. There’s something wired into us that makes us want to look to something or Someone bigger than ourselves when things feel out of control. Deep down we want to know we don’t have to be control. Humanity struggles when we try to be our own gods.

The solution is CONNECTION:

with our hurt,

with our loved ones,

with our God.

THE FINAL WORD:

I say it often: “The thing that is worse than hurting it hurting alone.”

Grab someone today and hug them. Put aside a petty squabble that you’ve been hanging onto, apologize, and move on. Call a friend or a family member and tell them you love them.

Most of all, look to God who is the One who is able to empathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15) and who is close to us when we are brokenhearted and saves us when we are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

The Man’s Guide to Empathy With Your Wife (5 Minute Read)

Sun, 19 Mar 2023 22:11:40 GMT

I meet a lot of wives that complain that their husbands are empathy challenged.

I’ve joked that God 1st made Adam and then 2nd he made Eve. She was version 2.0. She had extra features and some more complex circuitry.

All joking aside, while empathy is harder for some, it can be learned.

Men, I want you to try this. It’s not one size fits all, but these are ideas that have worked for others. It takes practice, but it will be worth it. If your wife has ever said, “I want you to pursue me (nonsexually),” this is one way to show her that you’re trying to do that.

Ladies, if you read this, laugh, and say “That crazy counselor is clueless!,” that’s great! Read this with your guy and then help him understand a better way he can show you empathy. He really does want to understand and do it better, but he needs a roadmap.

Here’s your crash course guys!

Dr. Theresa Wiseman* gave us one roadmap in her 4 attributes of empathy:

1. See the World as Others See it*

This is all about perspective. We must first recognize our emotions, worldviews, and biases and then get past those so we can see our wives’ perspectives.

Ask yourself:

“How would I feel if I was in her shoes?”

“What does she value?”

“What are her fears?”

“How does she measure success?”

Hint: The answer to these may be very different from your answers to these questions and that’s OK!

2. Understand Another’s Current Feelings*

This is all about recognizing the emotion your wife is feeling and labeling it correctly. A lot of men sigh and admit that they aren’t good at this. That’s ok, sometimes it can be just as meaningful to your wife if you just ask her how she feels.

Here’s a sample conversation:

Husband: “How are you?”

Wife: “I had to get the kids off to school, then go to work, then my coworker came in and wouldn’t stop talking, then my mom called…”

Husband: (Recognizing that she just listed a bunch of things in an exasperated tone). “Wow, that’s a lot. So how are you FEELING after all that?”

Wife: “I don’t even know. Exhausted, Overwhelmed, Hopeless, Frustrated, Annoyed, Scattered!”

Husband: “Well I’m glad you’re home. I’m sorry it’s been such a difficult day. What if I deal with most of the home stuff tonight so we can get it squared away and maybe we can relax earlier than normal?”

The husband, not knowing how his wife feels, simply asked. Then, once he knew the feeling, he could react to it and help alleviate some of her burden.

3. Non-judgmental*

Guys, this is where we shoot ourselves in the foot. When we jump to “fix it” mode, sometimes we unintentionally communicate that we know how to deal with life’s frustrations better than our wives do. This leaves them feeling like we’re judging them. If you’re coming across as an expert and giving advice without being asked, then you risk coming across as judgmental. Rather than being the expert fixer try becoming an expert detective. Expert detectives ask great questions and search for factual evidence.

Good questions to ask and then LISTEN for her response:

“What is the hardest part about this for you?”

“What do you wish was different about this situation?”

“What do you think the best next step would be to make it better?”

Hint: A great follow up question after your wife answers these questions is, “What else?” Rarely do people give a full response on their first response. Asking, “What else?” tells your wife that you’re listening, engaged, and not just looking for a quick resolution so you can escape the conversation. You are wanting to go deeper into it with her.

4. Communicate the Other’s Feelings*

The opposite of being judgmental is validation. The question I get here is, “But Daniel, what if I don’t agree with what my wife is feeling given the situation?” Good news! You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings to validate them. For instance, I don’t agree when someone has decided to cheat on their spouse, but after hearing their story, I can validate the loneliness, sadness, depression, and hurt that they must have felt to get to the point of making that decision.

Situation – A wife is venting to her husband that she’s stressed because she said “yes” to 3 friends’ events all in the same day.

Wife: “Today sucks. I feel like I’m failing everyone, and I’m being pulled in so many directions.”

Husband: “I’m sorry it’s been rough today. I know it’s important to you to let everyone know that they matter. I love how you care about all your friends and want to make them feel special. It has to feel exhausting to be doing this much and still feel like you aren’t winning.”

What we want is to feel like someone connects with us. Afterall, the thing worse than hurting is hurting alone.

Shoot me an email or message and let me know the best ways you’ve found to show empathy to your significant other.

* Wiseman, Theresa. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing. 23. 1162 - 1167. 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.

But Why Would I Need to Go to Counseling? (60 Second Read)

Mon, 27 Feb 2023 18:46:48 GMT

“My wife and I aren’t headed toward a divorce or anything…”

“…I’m not having panic attacks and I don’t feel depressed where I can’t get out of bed…”

“…I have a good job, finances are stable; I mean, I’m doing ok…”

“BUT, I really like coming to meet with you once a week/month.”

Maybe counseling is not just to fix something broken within us but to help settle us?

Life is nonstop most days, whether you’re running your own business, getting the kids to where they need to go, or just trying to figure out what your next move in life is.

3 reasons people see a counselor even when they’re ok:

1. Time Set Aside From a Busy World – When was the last time you stopped and sat down to focus for 5 minutes? Slowing down and thinking strategically helps us be more productive in the long run.

2. Time to Self-Evaluate – When was the last time you took a deep breath and asked, “How am I doing?” Counseling is a scheduled time set aside for reflection to check in with yourself.

3. Time with Someone who “Cares but Doesn’t Really Care” – When was the last time you talked with someone who was completely unbiased? You want a counselor that shares your values, but also one who is willing to challenge you. You should always receive loving truth from your counselor.

If you wonder if counseling may help settle or unwind your life, shoot me an email. I’m having more and more people reach out for that very reason.

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

3 Steps to Become an Influencer (90 Second Read)

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 23:54:24 GMT

Do you want to become an influencer? Some of you just rolled your eyes at that question didn’t you? The others secretly cringed at having to admit to themselves that they dream of this.

What if we talk deeper about INFLUENCE than just the shallow social media influencers we all know and love.

Human beings, when we’re at our best, want to make a difference in the world. We want to have INFLUENCE on the world for its betterment.

What if your influence goes against what I believe? Now we have friction!

What if the influences in our kids lives are different than what I think should be influencing them.

What if my husband or my wife is letting things influence them that I don’t think are healthy.

Here are 3 principles for having greater INFLUENCE on those around you:

1. Listen to people – Let the people in your life know that you hear them and understand their point of view.

2. Connect with people – Common ground makes us feel safe. Find the parts of an issue where we do agree.

3. Love people – There’s an old saying that says, “Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.” Being harsh will not grow your influence. Having influence in someone’s life may not happen overnight but keep loving them.

Shameless plug for counseling:

Counseling is a great way to bring someone else in on a big decision or a big challenge you’re facing. It’s another voice who can give you a different perspective and potentially INFLUENCE your thinking for the better.

If you’re wondering if your situation is right for counseling, then shoot me an email at daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com. It’s free and I’ll send you a real-life personalized reply!

How to Help Someone Get Help (90 Second Read)

Mon, 13 Feb 2023 21:16:38 GMT

The world is changing for the better in a lot of ways. There are more people now than ever before throwing off the stigma of counseling and connecting to get a counselor’s perspective.

So what can you do to encourage a friend who is still a little hesitant about reaching out to a counselor for the first time?

1. “I wonder…” - This phrase says, “I’m interested” and “I suggest” in a casual and nonthreatening way. “I wonder if it would help to go talk to a good counselor who can help from an unbiased perspective?”

2. Transparency - One of the most powerful connectors is shared pain. Telling your friend about something you’ve struggled with can help them step out and take a risk. “Back when I was going through my divorce, I remember how lonely it felt. You may not know this, but I spent a lot of sleepless nights by myself questioning everything. Looking back, I wish I had gone to talk to someone about it.”

3. Personal Experience – If you or someone you know has talked to a counselor, make a direct recommendation. “I know that when my daughter met with Daniel she really got a lot out of it. Maybe shoot him an email and see if he could help with this situation.”

4. Ride Along – Fear of the unknown is terrifying. Offer to go along. “If this is something you want to do, I’ll ride along with you to your first meeting and just wait for you in the waiting room. We’ll go grab coffee afterward and you can tell me how it went.”

If none of these ideas works, THAT’S OK! People will go and get help when they’re ready. Take a step back and remind them that you’re here for them and you love them.

If you know someone who is ready, have them reach out to me:

daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Depression or Life Suck? (67 Second Read)

Tue, 07 Feb 2023 21:04:37 GMT

“I’m just depressed.”

“I have no motivation to do anything.”

“There’s nothing that makes me happy anymore.”

If you’ve been around someone uttering phrases like this, then it can really feel dark. If you’re the one uttering them then you know it feels dark.

Keep reading. There is a solution!

I’ve found that there are a lot of folks that use the word “Depression” to describe the feeling that some tough circumstances that life is throwing at them. Whatever you want to call it, it’s no fun.

Sometimes I call it “Life Suck.”

It’s when your circumstances aren’t giving you life but seemingly sucking it right out of you.

When you have a death in the family.

It may not be Depression but Grief and Sadness.

When you’re single and craving connection but can’t find the right person.

It may not be Depression but Loneliness.

When you found the right person and now your marriage is barely hanging on by a thread.

It may not be Depression but Disconnection and Disappointment.

Depression is very real and everything listed above can turn into depression if we don’t stop numbing and distracting ourselves and tend to it. Also, every single struggle listed above (including depression) has a solution.

This is where counseling comes in. A good counselor can help you decide whether this is Depression or Life Suck and then help you discover possible solutions and feel better.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

When Medication Won’t Fix Your Anxiety (90 Second Read)

Tue, 31 Jan 2023 17:13:56 GMT

Anxiety is more than just brain chemistry and you are more than just a robot that needs a software patch to fix a bug in your programming.

The limitation with medication is that it doesn’t fix our environmental and social struggles.

Medication WILL NOT fix a marriage where communication has broken down and contempt has set in.

Humility, Self-Examination, and New Communication Tools WILL.

Medication WILL NOT fix anxiety over a schedule so packed that you feel like you’re drowning.

Prioritizing, Healthy boundaries, and Saying “No” WILL.

Medication WILL NOT fix anxiety over out of control debt where collectors are calling daily.

Self-discipline, A Budget, and An Accountability Partner WILL.

Before we simply take our doctor’s advice and take another pill, consider where your anxiety is stemming from.

Maybe consider a different kind of prescription, a prescription for change.

If you need help identifying and making changes to some areas of your life, then consider talking to a counselor. Counselors aren’t perfect and we’re figuring life out one day at a time too but it’s never good to go at it alone.

I’d love to meet and hear your story. Even if I’m not the right fit I’d love to help you find someone who is.

Email me at daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com today.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Church Hurt (2 Minute Read)

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 23:36:24 GMT

Have you ever heard the statement:

“I don’t go to church anymore because the church is full of hypocrites.”

When a person is hurting, beaten down, and disappointed by life and they come to the church with an expectation of receiving help, do we help them?

I mean, do we REALLY help them?

I wonder if those of us in the church often send them away with this message, “Wow, we hate that you’re struggling but stop doing drugs/womanizing/using bad language and then we would be thrilled to help you get your life back on track so you can be just like us.”

Disclaimer: I have never literally heard someone from a church say those words to someone who is hurting. For some reason, though, people walk away from Christians feeling this way.

If I, as a follower of Christ, can’t be vulnerable about my life struggles and my inability to manage my own life well, maybe I too am silently sending this message.

Maybe a better way to begin is through relationship. One of the quickest ways to CONNECTION is through common ground.

“That part of your story really resonates with me.”

“Here’s how I felt when I was going through something like that.”

“Here’s how I am finding relief now on this side of it.”

It is in this place that shame often vanishes.

“Really?”

“You struggle a lot of the time too?”

“You’re just trying to figure out this life one day at a time too?”

”Good! I’m glad I’m not the only one!”

I’ve sat with countless people as we worked through their past church hurt. Counseling is a great way to unpack a lot of those old let-downs and disappointments.

If you or someone you know is struggling with church hurt, then send them my way. I’d love for them to have a chance to meet a hypocritical Christian counselor who doesn’t have all the answers.

2 Questions to Ask When Trust is Broken (60 Second Read)

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 16:00:46 GMT

1. “How did we get here in the first place?”

We tend to repeat our past mistakes when we don’t understand why the mistake happened. If you cannot definitively answer this question then the relationship will struggle to heal. I’m afraid you’re just trying to avoid the uncomfortable conversations and you may hurt me in the future when things get tough again.

2. “Do you truly understand how deeply this has hurt me?”

Can you put yourself in my shoes? Can you see what this must feel like from my vantage point? This is not just saying the words “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Being able to sit with me in my hurt that you caused me and truly feel the hurt will help me begin to heal. If you feel it with me then the odds of you hurting me again go down significantly. Now I can begin to feel safer with you and open myself up to rebuilding trust.

Pay Attention (90 Second Read)

Fri, 13 Jan 2023 00:53:39 GMT

When my teacher in school said “Pay Attention!” she really meant “Pay attention to ME!” I was already paying attention…to something else… more interesting that her.

I think a good question to ask is, “What am I paying attention to?”

The word “paying” implies that it’s costing me something. By engaging in this task or activity, I am spending time that I will never get back.

On a flight this past weekend from LA back to Nashville, I couldn’t help but notice how my fellow passengers spent their 4 ½ hours of flying time.

I’ll break it down like this:

60% watched movies on a phone or tablet

30% slept at a comfortable 85° incline

5% had conversations with their seatmate

5% read a book or magazine

Why do you think we choose disconnected activities more than we choose to connect and engage?

I think it’s easier.

I think it’s the path of least resistance.

I think it’s more comfortable.

I think we like flying on autopilot.

I think we like being entertained.

At the risk of seeming judgmental, I share this quote with you.

“Five years from today, you will be the same person that you are today, except for the books you read and the people you meet.”― Charlie "Tremendous" Jones

This week when you have 20 minutes free…

Call or text a friend or a sibling to ask how their week is going.

Read one chapter out of a book that’s been sitting on the nightstand for 7 months.

Sit in silence. Breathe and ask yourself the question, “What have I been paying attention to this week?”

Finally, I finished 1 ½ books and tried to talk to the older man next to me. Unfortunately, he was busy playing solitaire on his phone plus his hearing aides were turned down.

I love helping people who are struggling with getting this connection back. It's my passion and my mission. If you or someone you know if really struggling starting the year out would you send them my way. I'm here to help.

Self-Care (90 Second Read)

Mon, 19 Dec 2022 17:19:49 GMT

SELF-CARE is simple. It’s just a battery recharge.

We go out into the world each day and get beat up and scuffed up.

- The line at Walmart where there are 2 registers open.

- The new baby that kept you up all night.

- The kid running around the house screaming Christmas carols while you’re on the phone.

Usually, we tend to life’s problems well when they need our attention.

- When the “Low Fuel Warning” light comes on, we pull in and fill up the gas tank.

- When our phone batteries get to 20% and warn us, then get to 10% and turn red and start yelling at us, we plug our phone in.

However, when it comes to us, our Bodies, Minds, and Spirits, we don’t pay as much attention to the warning lights and alarms.

- When my eyes get heavy, I don’t go get some sleep, I drink another cup of coffee to keep going.

- When my irritability is pinging off the charts and small things cause me to explode, I work more hours to get more done and catch up.

- When my anxiety is causing me to lay awake in bed all night or causing my head to spin uncontrollably, I go grab a drink and scroll on social media some more to distract myself.

SELF-CARE is simply a battery recharge.

This time of year is stressful and draining. This week, commit to pay attention to the warning lights and alarms that you’re Body, Mind, and Spirit are sending you.

Slow Down

Ask For Help

Reset Your Expectations

Do you need some help with identifying the warning signs and knowing what to do to get them to turn off?

Shoot me an email and ask about how counseling can be beneficial. I’d love to help you come up with a new plan of how we can get through this holiday season and start the new year off right with less warning lights and alarms flashing. I’m here to help.

Goal Setting for a New Year (2 Minute Read)

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 22:57:38 GMT

Goal Setting for a New Year (2 Minute Read)

Maybe you’re dealing with the post-Christmas hangover, getting the kids ready to go back to school, or just trying not to freeze to death walking to the car.

In this post-holiday malaise you have a BIG decision to make.

Are you going to coast into the new year like you’ve done in the past or are you going to take charge this year and live intentionally?

Here are two ideas that might help you begin to consider what 2023 could look like for you.

1. A PRINCIPLE is “a concisely worded statement of truth that transcends circumstance.” (Alex Judd – “Path for Growth Podcast”)

2. An ACTION is “the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition.” (Meriam Websters Dictionary)

So here’s your homework before January 1, 2023. I want you to answer these two questions and write down your answers on a piece of paper.

1. What PRINCIPLE do I want to focus on living out in 2023?

AND

2. What ACTION am going to commit to repeating this year that strengthens that principle within me?

Here are two examples to get you started:

PRINCIPLE: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Prov 4:23 (NIV)

ACTION: I’m going to choose to turn off the news and talk radio this year because I think it creates more fear, worry, and anxiety within me.

PRINCIPLE: We become like those we surround ourselves with.

ACTION: I’m going to start politely turning down the lunch invitations of my negative coworker this year and begin reading or listening to a personal growth podcast at lunch each day.

Let me know what some of the guiding principles are in your life and what actions you use to back them up and reinforce them.

If you feel lost in trying to find direction or if you just can’t get over that hump of putting that action into practice then maybe consider talking to a counselor.

Reach out today and start the year right. I’m here to help.

www.danielcrosbycounseling.com

Your New Year’s Marriage Resolution (90 Second Read)

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 21:59:29 GMT

Can we just be honest and admit that marriage is hard sometimes?

If you talk to anyone with some gray hairs, they’ll tell you that the “for better or for worse” clause in the marriage vows is real.

What do we do when the “worse” days seem to linger? What do we do when we start to secretly have those fleeting thoughts of doubt?

“Is this all there is?”

“This is not what I signed up for.”

“I’m just not happy here anymore.”

The normal person stuffs it and tries not to think about it.

The ordinary person stays busy with the daily grind and assumes that it will get better over time.

The typical couple distances pouring themselves more deeply into their own individual interests hoping that their spouse will feel this distance and make a change.

Well, I don’t want you or your marriage to be normal, ordinary, or typical anymore.

Doing nothing rarely works when you feel stuck. Watching more Netflix or scrolling more Instagram is not going to move the needle.

It’s time to do something different.

It’s time to go get help.

Sitting down in front of a marriage counselor to talk through things isn’t magical. It gives you a place to dedicate uninterrupted time to hear one another and potentially get some valuable insight from someone who hasn’t been stuck in YOUR marriage for years.

Marriage counselors aren’t weird…well, at least not all of us anyway. We’re people just like you who wrestle with our own stuff too. You need to find someone you connect well with and to whom you can relate.

If you or your spouse is struggling, make it a New Years Resolution to start getting better TODAY. Shoot me an email or schedule an appointment. I’m here to help!

The Power of a Group (90 Second Read)

Tue, 06 Dec 2022 23:28:02 GMT

The Power of a Group

You have a problem and you need to make a decision to solve that problem.

Before you make that decision be sure to consider WHAT is happening and WHY it is happening.

It is easy to be blind to the WHY when you are too close to the problem.

This is where the POWER OF A GROUP is incredibly valuable. You want a group where you know people are for you…

…for your success,

…for your health,

…cheering you on to win.

You also want a group who is unbiased enough to be outside of your problem. They are FOR YOU, but they are NOT YOU.

3 Characteristics of a Good Group:

The group must be safe. (We don’t blast one another for pitching ideas.)
The group must be real and vulnerable. (We’re allowed to disagree and express fears and passions)
The group must be brutally honest. (We’re expected to respectful but not over-filter if we have something to add)

Without these three characteristics you run the risk of getting more biased information that could move you toward the wrong decision.

One of the best places to begin finding a unbiased opinion is counseling. Counselors shouldn’t make your decision for you, but offer you SAFE, REAL, and HONEST feedback to help you make a better decision.

If you or someone you know is facing a big decision, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help.

3 Ways to Fight Off Holiday Loneliness (2 Minute Read)

Mon, 28 Nov 2022 15:00:39 GMT

LONELINESS is a common and perhaps unexpected heavy feeling that pops up around the holidays. This one may come as a surprise because the holidays are a time when we’re surrounded by others and feel like we supposed to be enjoying the fun and festivities.

There’s a difference in being “alone” and feeling “lonely” though. Feeling lonely is about feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or out of place.

Common Causes of Loneliness

Maybe you’ve gone through a divorce.

Maybe you’ve lost a baby.

Maybe you’ve lost a loved one this year.

Maybe your marriage is teetering on the edge right now.

Maybe you are trying to find that person to share your life with and you just keep coming up empty handed.

Maybe you’ve fallen prey to the old comparison game where others just seem to have it better.

The Remedy

The remedy to loneliness is CONNECTION. That doesn’t just mean being surrounded by people but actually being with people who hear us, understand us, and care about us.

Go Connect

If you’re lacking these people in your life then search out a group that has common interests or a common belief system. Church groups or hobby groups are great places to connect. Car clubs, Mom’s groups, Celebrate Recovery groups.

Go Serve

One of the best ways to connect and ward off those lonely feelings is by giving to others. You may find that by serving you are able to connect with other servers and also gain new perspective on your own hurt. Greenhouse Ministries, Journey Home, and Boys and Girl’s Club are a few in addition to churches in our area.

Get Moving

Exercise, while it can be solitary or with a group, gets us reconnected with ourselves. It’s time away from the busyness of the world to reset, feel like you did something good for you, and to just think.

If you’re or someone you know is struggling with loneliness and want more ideas on how to cope and reconnect, please reach out. Counseling can be a great way to begin that process toward feeling better again. I’m here to help.

Do This ONE Thing to Improve Your Marriage (3 Minute Read)

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 21:03:52 GMT

Every car needs maintenance. Even a brand-new car that still has that great smell needs the oil changed and the tires rotated every so often. Being intentional about car maintenance keeps that car running great for many years to come.

But what about our marriage? Life gets busy and we often don’t do that same intentional maintenance to keep our marriage running smoothly.

The MOST important regular maintenance to do on your marriage is spending quality time together.

Therefore, continuing to date your spouse is key. I often tell couples with kids that you are certainly Mom and Dad now that you have kids. You’re also Husband and Wife and run the “family business” together. The role we often let fall by the wayside is continuing that Boyfriend and Girlfriend relationship even after years of marriage and parenting kids.

You need new adventures together.

I define a date as a pre-planned time that is intentionally set aside to do an activity together. This is NOT a date: “Hey, I’m starving. Want to grab a burger on the way home?”

I challenge couples to plan 10 dates per year, one each month. Each spouse should pick 5 activities (2 hours) that they would like to do with their spouse. Write your activities down on strips of paper and do a drawing on the first day of the month of what your date activity will be that month.

The other 2 months will be your anniversary month and 6 months from your anniversary month. Those months’ dates will consist of a short overnight activity out of town. Go within a day’s drive and see some new sights. It doesn’t have to break the bank. Go to Chattanooga to the TN Aquarium. Go to Memphis and eat BBQ. Go to Gatlinburg and walk the strip.

Here are some quick date ideas to get you started:

1. Have dinner at a restaurant in The Avenue that neither of you have tried yet. Follow that up with some good old-fashioned bowling at LTA or Strike and Spare.

2. Grab a cup of coffee at Joanie’s, Brass Horn, or Just Love and bring a pack of Uno cards. The best out of 5 games wins bragging rights.

3. Grab a burger at Busters or Jack Browns and then exercise your inner lumberjack at one of the axe throwing places.

4. Get a healthy smoothie at Vibe Nutrition or a bowl at Boro Bowls or The Boro Juice Bar on a Saturday morning and go for a walk on the greenway.

Send me your ideas of what you and your spouse love to do for dates.